Visitation Dream, My Widower's Return to Laughter, 14 Years of Perspective

[jeudi]

I am now just shortly past the 14 year mark since my LH's death. His name was John. I hope everyone here will often take the opportunity to say their loved one's name and talk about their life with their lost loved one. It is a healing thing. I've never stopped talking about him. When something reminds me of him, when I recall something specific, I say it, tell it, write about it, remember, and remind those who knew him too.

 

My Mom was also a young widow and she talked about my Dad in normal ways. She hid a lot of things too, kept some things to herself but she was actually a pretty decent guide through my widowhood. I've lost her now too and what I miss the most about her is being able to talk to her when my emotions feel raw.

 

I've remarried. My husband, my H, was also widowed young and his journey through widowhood has been different from mine. He had a much longer period of time with his late wife sick and her illness was an effing horror story and his support system was different and lesser than mine. And as a result I think he lost more of himself. He suffered more than I suffered. I fought against suffering and to a large extent was successful. Don't get me wrong, I suffered but I always had a clear idea that I was going to survive...probably because my Mom survived. Also, I told John I would be ok and as I have gone on with my life, I've wanted to make sure this was true.

 

When I first met my H I could tell that he had lost his optimism and laughter was simply gone from his repertoire. He laughed at stuff to be sure but it was not fully fleshed. He couldn't fool me with this  partial version of laughter. Humor is important to me and this didn't change even in the darkest days of loss...instead I waited, bided time until something funny would happen and then I would let go with full blown laughter. H is past the 11 year anniversary of his LW's death and I would say somewhere around year ten he started laughing again. I've talked to him about it and he doesn't see this the way I see it. My life with John was so full of laughter I knew what I was missing with H. Last night while we were in bed together I heard him laugh in his sleep. It is like candy to me. I can't get enough of it. Seriously.

 

H's laugh sounds like Goofy the dog. He also has these incredible dimples and his eyes sparkle when he smiles. If I am a tough cookie he is a marshmallow. He believes that he has been a tough cookie through his grief (man-thinking) but if I die first he will probably, hopefully smile when he realizes that I am the strong one. Maybe it's his secret and he knows this already and smiles to himself on the sly.

 

I recently had a moment where I had a very, very strong desire to interface with John. I lay in bed before falling asleep and summoned up memories of his touch, the way his stubble felt against my cheek. I drifted off with that familiar feeling of loss, no longer so hard to cope with as before, still sucky, still a lousy feeling in the pit of the stomach but I am used to it nevertheless. During my sleep I had a visitation dream, my second, where he came through and materialized and I got to take in his physical presence again. I got to see his face in all of its detail. And I hugged him. And we shared air space. I touched his face. He gestured to my H, who in the dream was in bed asleep (in the dream we were in a hotel room) and let me know (telepathically) that he is good with this turn of events in my life. Glad I've got my H to go forward with.

 

xoxo

 

Judy

[Wife of Tomasz]

Hi Jeudi,

thank you for sharing your story. Its always nice to hear from people further out.

[Lmsmdm]

Love this!! Thanks for sharing

[ladybug]

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.  I have had a few "visitation" dreams.

 

They usually give me hope for a future.  I still miss my husband very much, but I know he would want me to be happy.

 

Thank you very much for sharing......it gives me hope.....thanks.

[Helena]

Thanks för sharing.

 

I´ve had two visitationdreams where I could really feel my LH´s touch -he embraced me and I kissed him on the neck. We were in the bed and I think I was somewhere between sleep and awake.

There was this feeling of reassurance when he looked at me. No words, just a strong feeling of love. When times are hard I try to go back to this and remember that feeling, a feeling stronger than I ever felt before.