Trying

[Amber08]

This is my first post. I lost my husband December 1st, 2016. It was from an aortic aneurysm. It has been a hard month with Christmas and our anniversary on Jan 1st. I am trying to get into a normal schedule, but not going well. I have 4 kids: 16, 13, 11, and 2. Still sleeping on the couch because I can't bear to go in our room. I keep rethinking the whole thing. He fell over in our room. I did CPR and my 13 year old called 911. He gained consciousness for a couple hours until his surgery. Unfortunately, he didn't make it through. I'm not sure how to get through this part. I can't concentrate at work and am trying so hard to find the positive things. Any advise?

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Amber,

 

You have just been through the worst month of your life.  Your husband died suddenly, you had to hold life together for the holidays for your kids, and you just passed one of the hardest days for any of us widows, your wedding anniversary.

 

You are doing everything you could possibly do at this point!  I know you feel miserable.  There aren't many positive things right about now, save your beautiful kids.  It is completely normal to have difficulty concentrating.

 

Stick to the basics...sleep when you can, eat when you can, drink water, feed your kids whatever they want, and make sure they are dressed when they leave the house.  Take help from whomever you feel comfortable if they offer.  Let your kids go on play dates.  Accept another casserole.  Let a neighbor manage your yard or snow removal or whatever you need.

 

Cry, vent, rant away.  We get it.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Julester3]

I am so sorry about your loss. It is hard no matter the time of the year and you have been through so much at a crazy time of the year. I can't agree with Maureen more: stick with the basics, accept any help offered, learn to let some less important things go, and cut yourself some slack. You are allowed to be off - it is understandable to be distracted at work. I was quite distracted for over a month before I forced myself back into to a busy rhythm. I'd have bad days once in awhile but you do what you can. Be kind to yourself and be sure to give yourself some time and space sometimes. I know it's hard when you work and have kids. I have 2 teenaged girls and a few pets so we get busy as well.

 

Another piece of advice I would give is do not be afraid to change your point of view to help you get through things - any thing. For example, I couldn't stand my husband's empty chair at our kitchen table or his empty side of the bed so my kids and I always changed seats so his chair was never empty when we ate meals in the kitchen and for a long while I slept on his side of the bed so I wouldn't have panic attacks when I reached out for him and he was not there. I also changed much of our traditions as we needed to help us get through them.

[georgina114]

Hi Amber!  I am sorry for your loss.  My husband died exactly 14 days ago and I understand the difficulty of going through the holidays.  We didn't have kids but we have a doggie and at the moment, he is keeping me going.  The thought that he needs me to care for him each day makes me get out of bed and go through the day even when it's like a zombie existence.  I think you should gain strength from your kids.  They need you and you need them.  Just take each day at a time... that's what most people tell me... It is hard but I still try.  I will go through with our supposedly 15th year wedding anniversary on the 25th and I still don't know what to do.  Maureen's advice on allowing yourself to grieve, cry but keep yourself hydrated and fed is very helpful.  I've never needed water more than now (probably because I cry a lot)...  I also do what Julester does... I sleep on his side of the bed to avoid panic attacks. Sometimes I sleep spread-eagled or crosswise... It's all weird but I had to do it for my sanity.  I wish I have casserole-bringing nice neighbours but most of the people around here are callous and insensitive Filipinos (don't get me wrong, I'm Filipino too but I've been away for 15 years and the culture somehow seem strange to me now).  I don't go out a lot but I keep in touch with my friends online.  Also, I find that I can express myself more by writing and sharing what I feel.  Do what you feel would make you feel even a tiny bit better.  Hugs to you and your kids.