Being on the other end of it

[Mizpah]

So I posted "the urge!," a while back about how I don't post except once a year on DH's birthday and I often have to stifle the urge to make people look at his face.  Well, yesterday was widower boyfriend's late fiancee's birthday, and when I opened FB, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.  His smiling face, looking sooooo happy with another woman, their faces close together: "The world was once a better place.  Happy birthday my love."  "My love."  That's supposed to be me.  It hurt.  It hurt bad.  Understanding or not, it f'ing hurt!  I only slept two hours. 

 

It's funny, because I'd been thinking about posting this year, and thinking about saying something about how remembering DH doesn't mean I love NG less, that we have starfish hearts, and about how much I love him.  Yesterday has given me pause.  I will still probably post on his birthday (I've been looking forward to it all year!), but will be EXTREMELY aware of what I say and how it could hurt NG (not so new anymore), and adjust accordingly.

 

It turns out, for as much as we say they just need to accept that we'll always love them, when you're on the other side, it's a whole different perspective....  I give so much credit to all the men and women who take us on - it's not easy.   

[Trying]

Well ouch!  I think it is very tough to honor a lost love while respecting a current love but it can be done with a little more tact than your guy showed. I'm sorry you had to read that.  Did you talk to him about how it made you feel? 

 

Since I have been in a committed relationship I post less often on FB about DH and avoid pictures of us as a couple and would not proclaim that "the world was once a better place", that seems very insensitive. 

 

Loving a widow/er definitely has unique challenges and as I expect my fiancé to respect that memories of my DH need to still be a part of my family he also has a right to expect me to honor our present relationship. 

[MrsDan]

I have long thought, even before I started dating, that a lot of wids are way too hard on those who date widows yet are unwidowed themselves. I find it exceptionally unfair to expect people not to feel jealousy or hurt. I had the privilege of being Dan's one and only and that is a tremendous feeling. Why would we begrudge anyone for wanting that? BF has been consistently understanding about Dan. But still, I do check in with him regularly about it. Because I think it makes sense that as feelings for someone grow, what they can and cannot handle in this arena would shift. I asked him the other day  if it bothers him when I post pictures of Dan and his response was, "Nope." However, I do generally save the commentary for Dan's wall.

 

I know in my head that I love both of these men, that my love for one doesn't take away from the other. And yet, I don't know if I could handle dating a widow. I know, it is completely hypocritical. I sure as shit know I wouldn't have been able to handle it if I was not widowed. I really don't know how my BF does it.

[Mizpah]

Trying, I did talk to him about it.  We don't see eye to eye on it, to say the least.  I'm much more sensitive in general than he is.  Nothing I could say about DH could really ruffle him, and I think he judges this by his own perspective rather than mine.  He did say he didn't say anything to intentionally hurt me.  That none of my posts from the past about DH bother him in the slightest (which is kind of as hurtful as his post - I WANT him to care - maybe I'm immature).  He feels we need to be able to grieve the way we grieve, and give each other that freedom.  I think I'm much more well-adjusted to DH's death than he is to his late fiancee's.  He did the denial/avoid method, and it hasn't worked.  Or rather, usually it does, but when it comes up on say a birthday or when he sees her family, he finds he's still in pain and still not accepting of what occurred.  And I think that makes me feel second best - that he's not moving forward about it. 

 

And yeah, MrsDan, I don't think I could handle dating a widow either.  Oops.  Too late!  Ugh!  In theory, I COMPLETELY BELIEVED I'd be so zen and understanding.  In reality, it's really really hard, even as we've been together for years, seeing a photo of him looking so happy with another woman, a woman he still loves.  Yeah, she's not here and I am, but it's the heart that we want as well.  ALLLLLLL of it, hahahahahaha.  Ugh.  I don't know.  It's so complicated. 

 

Struggling along!  It's all trial and error, huh?