Solo parent "Sandwich" wids

[Sugarbell]

Before I start....I am truly grAteful my children have both sets of grandparents and they want to be involved in there lives and do help out with shoes, sports clothes, etc.

 

But I am at the age...where the "sandwich" thing comes in...I am busy working, running raising 3 kids solo...and they are at the age of "needing" me and my kids more (nor babysitting my kids...my kids provide entertainment for them)

 

DH only had one brother....he's an ass and lives 500 miles away. So it's all on me with certain things with the outlaws. I have one brother...he lives at home with my parents at age 39-he's bipolar and my Mom seems to become dependent on my boys entertaining him (but he obviously favors one son over the other..I have talked to her about it-Complete denial)

 

And now that I am involved with someone everyone (grandparents) are territorial constantly wanting to stop by unexpectedly...wanting me to call DAILY...and I think my Mom is afraid my brother has lost his 2 playmates in my boys because they like to do stuff with my new guy friend. Yes...it's crazy...

 

I can write this now with ease because since the closing of YWBB my Mother won't be able to read my posts (until she find this site-but I have a few weeks). Yes...I know it's bizarre.

 

I feel like I am pulled....almost helping take care of 4 elderly adults as well as 3 kids. I can handle the kids, house, work solo-I am learning to make time for a relationship now too...the grandparents though my God are wearing me out.

 

I feel bitchy saying all this....but I am always stressed navigating the dynamics between both sets and the kids.

 

Anyone else feel like a "sandwich" taking care of the young and the old now?

[Trying]

Yes, I totally get this.  And as the kids get older they don't want to spend much time with the grandparents or any adults and the guilt gets piled on.  My inlaws have been in Florida for the winter so it's been guilt by distance.  I need to make more effort but the more my MIL lays on the guilt, the less I want to.  My mom lives 2 1/2 hours away so it means her coming for a whole weekend and I have so much to do on the weekends.  She doesn't come to help, she wants to visit and go out to eat which is nice by takes planning and I have to put things aside that need to get done.

[imissdow]

My parents are 78 and 80. As are my DH's  so yes I'm starting to get this.  My in-laws want visits yet never invite me for anything or come to their stuff. Yet I'm suppose to stop over regularly.  My parents do on occasion invite me to something or come up for something yet they are 45 mins away and also want regular visits with me driving to see them.  I have 3 sibs who live out of state and a sister who is 2 hours away. Heaven forbid anything happen and I hear "what do you mean you haven't seen then in --Days/weeks?" Yet only 2 of the of the 4 visit at all.  With a 9yo being the youngest I'm only seeing this getting worse. 

[trying2breathe]

I get this too, SB.  We are grateful and lucky to have both sets of parents active and supportive in my kids'  lives.  They are all in their 80's now, and doing pretty well.  But their expectations and needs most of the time don't align with ours.  And to keep my teen kids interested in what they're up to - it's awkward, and usually lands on my lap to manage. 

 

I tell my kids that we're lucky to have all grandparents still with us, and this could soon change.  Definitely feeling like the middleman most days though. 

 

 

[AndysWife]

Of course you are worn out.

 

My own mother actually verbalised this a few years back - "Now that you are widowed, you can take care of me" despite the fact that she already disinherited us older 3 kids from her first marriage and has 2 adult sons 26 & 29 from her second marriage STILL living with her. I have kids too mind you.

 

I also made the mistake of moving to the beach last year. My extremely elderly inlaws decided to quit the church and move here too after barely seeing them either before or after DH died. They expect me to call in with MEALS every day also. They tell me that it is because they want to see more of my toddler son but they only growl and criticise him when they do see him. The truth of it is - they want me to look after them. MIL often tells me that DH offered to take them in when they got old and one night, she also dropped the bomb on SIL and me that they can no longer afford to pay for their funerals too. They sold their house and now rent after squandering the lot - not once helping me with anything. (I quickly piped up that I already paid for my dad's and for DH's funeral and there was no more money)

 

We are in very different situations though. I have no history with either my mother (I was raised by my dad) or my  inlaws who were also absent until DH died so I feel no obligation to do anything.

 

Maybe you could think about having a conversation with them all and implementing a schedule of sorts because everybody will suffer when you eventually burn out..

 

[messageinabottle]

It has to be hard.  I only have my Mom who is needing us more due to her cancer diagnosis but she lives far away.

I have reached out the in laws again trying to maybe pull them in but they aren't interested so their loss. 

 

But I can imagine it is hard being pulled to "care" for everyone.  I am pulled to care for my Mom on an emotional level and sometimes physical when I can get there and that is very difficult. 

 

But everyone demanding attention is hard (I end up with anxiety attacks over that truly.  Had one the other day as I had a lot of people in  crisis asking for help along with work demanding more. 

 

(((HUGS))) it is so hard to balance when all are pulling on you and your kids.

[Sugarbell]

Thanks for listening.

 

The outlaws have never had any concept of other peoples time. They are in there 70s and are too old to change. Very self centered...since my parents have taken my brother in... He wants to be at all sports stuff...and my boys enjoyed him...but he's manic, intense, takes the fun out of the game...my sons don't want to go to my folks house overnight because my brother keeps them up all night making them watch videos, talking sports. All night. I can't talk to my Mom...complete denial.

 

If I skip one day calling them...big time guilt trip.

Yesterday my Mom was telling me they were putting in ramps, railings and a chair lift in the house. (I have listened to the I am dying and crippled talk since I was 23...she does it when she isn't getting much attention )...They both get around fine right now. So I asked "Uh...are you planning on not being able to walk next week?"

 

I got the "Well you never know...we aren't doing well" (my brother is making it worse I know...but she transfers it to me not being there)

 

And talking on the phone daily for an hour drains me. I make my son Sonetimes make the call.

 

The aggravating thing is....if I was married I know they wouldn't pull this shit. Both sets of grandparents in there 40s traveled, had careers, etc...only saw parents a couple times a year. They don't see that I need a life too. And both sets of grandparents stress me out more than my kids. And my kids now have stuff going on every weekend (sports, sleepovers, etc) We can't be at there beck and call.

 

I will have this thread deleted in about a week. I am sure my Mother will find this site by then. (yes...VERY controlling)

[messageinabottle]

I used to talk to my Mom everyday and it was expected for an hour at a time.  After she was here for 2 wks for Christmas I decided I and the boys can't be her source of happiness if that makes sense and I really need to branch out to other avenues.  We became her "mission" so to speak if that makes sense.  I know that sounds terrible but with a sick father I was their "mission" source of happiness for years along with my brother.  It was trying to know that I had to go home every break from college ect because they had really no social life due to Dad's illness. 

When I got married I was able to not be "required" to be so "much" if that makes sense.

After he died I needed her and I guess she needed to feel needed.  I had to slowly break that cycle if any of this makes sense.

So after Mom's cancer diagnosis I do call a bit more frequently but in short increments.  I try to make sure I am on my way somewhere and need to go.  And it is just to check on her.  Love her dearly but I truly do not have time to be on the phone for hours and I know she is bored ect.  When she really needs me I am there 100% on the phone. 

But I simply can't do it again(I know I sound horrible and whiny).  I can't be the source of happiness so to speak.  But I can still call frequently ...have the boys call and do what I can.

Not sure if any of this makes sense but there has been in the past and is a lot of pressure on me to be the "one" so to speak. 

Anyway I ramble on

[ThalginsLuv]

My in-laws can be just as overbearing as my mother. I really felt suffocated for the first 3 months of this year. My MIL calls all the time but luckily she doesn't just show up anymore. I have had a few "rounds" with her over the years and in many ways I think she thinks I am her best friend. I don't sugar coat anything with her anymore but I am nice, have tact (which she lacks) and let her know I appreciate her. However I invited MIL to my daughters initiation to Job's Daughters. She was loud, rude, yelled at the other little girls, and overall disrespectful. I was so mad. Then she got it into her head she was going to come to ALL of my daughters meetings and events since she was a past Job Daughter herself. I had to take action and made it very clear to my BIL he needed to talk to his mom or I was going to and not be nice about it. (BIL is a Mason whose lodge supports my daughter's youth group.) Now we don't mention any of daughters youth group events to MIL so she can't just show up. Luckily she can't get the activity calendar. But if she does happen to show up I have already warned the other adults and the little girls that MIL is VERY OLD and maybe a little senile. So if they ever see her again and if she causes a problem to find me or one of the youth group parents or to just politely find a way to get away from her. Now I do whatever I can to keep MIL distracted. I will preempt to call her first that way I control how long the phone call is. I will say, "We haven't gone to dinner in awhile. I can't this week but how about next week we go to...". Or I try to find little helpful jobs for her, "Hey can you be on the look out for X? I need to replace mine" or "I have an appointment, would you be willing to watch the baby for me?" I feel like it's a part time job just to manage my MIL so she doesn't drive me crazy.

 

My mother suffers from depression along with other things. In January my mom got bit by some sort of insect we believe. The bite was on her backside and she didn't even know it. It wasn't until she ended up in the emergency with a 104 temp and dangerously high white blood cell counts that the doctors found the bite. She spent 11 days in the hospital, IV antibiotics every day, they had to give her a pic line and she had 2 surgeries to remove the necrotic tissue. When she was released she had a wound vac and daily infusion appointments for 3 weeks followed by appointments 3x a week for the next 3 weeks after that. Of course my brother and his wife offered NOTHING and they didn't even visit mom in the hospital. Even though they have the bigger house with extra bedrooms and they only live 1 mile from me, my mother had to move in with me. Also my SIL doesn't work and their kids are older. So I was the one who was at the hospital EVERY day with my infant to advocate for my mom. She was too sick to remember anything what the doctors told her and she nearly died from the infection. When she was released from the hospital, I moved my baby and me into our living room and moved my mother into my bedroom. I slept on the couch for almost 3 months with the baby in the playpen next to me. I did what had to be done since my mother couldn't be alone. Plus there was a huge screw up so my mom didn't receive any disability money this whole time. So I with my savings and my widow's social security I was paying all of her bills with mine: prescriptions, food, 2 rents, 2 car insurances, 2 household utilities, 2 phones, extra gas, doctor co-pay visits, her bandage supplies, etc. 

 

Now my MIL of course wanted to be OVERLY HELPFUL in helping with my mother. My mother tolerates my MIL. So I had BOTH of them regularly. I am so grateful that now my mom is healed, living at her house, and back to work. And grateful my MIL is now distracted with something else. But now I get the looming undertones from both of them..." I really miss your girls... I enjoyed being at your house... it was fun talking with your mom so much... maybe we should do this more often... why don't we do more family dinners at your house with all of us..." and on and on. Now I feel I have to manage both my mom and in-laws. I am about to go crazy. I have seriously been thinking of moving out of state completely away from ALL family because I feel so smothered.

[Sugarbell]

Things are not any better.

 

My weekend...Friday night. 2 games on Sat and 2 games on Sunday will be with all 4 of them and crazy brother.

 

I appreciate them wanting to support the kids....but I know neither set had their parents every fucking weekend smothering them. There parents lives hours aw away...we only saw my grandparents once or twice a year. My folks and the inlaws had a life!!!

 

And I know crazy brother living at home only working 2 days a week makes it worse. (He's my Moms golden child-always had different expectations for me and him.)...He wants entertained and takes these games way to seriously. Gives me a headache and ruins the enjoyment of just watching my kids play.

 

And yea....I still get resentful thinking "Where the hell were you all those years of Tball and coach pitch? When they were tiny and I was lugging a baby around doing this shit? Oh that's right...nowhere. Cause the boys weren't athletic superstars then and it wasn't an ego stroke"

 

No one texts....so schedule change I have to call.....or they blow my phone up calling all night.

 

Just venting...no solution. I have tried to discuss this with my Mom (my Dad gets it) she gets very defensive and the golden child can do no wrong. The inlaws-lost cause (it's all about boasting and bragging) I mean there son killed himself...I went off on them in my early days. No change. They are in there 70s not going to change now.

 

New guy friend is just going to have to meet them this weekend (I have been juggling him because my family (brother) is crazy and who knows how he will act when he meets new guy). Totally stressful and screwed up.

 

Swear I dream about running away deep into the mountains almost daily.