Family, inlaws, wills, etc.

[Dragonfly]

Hi, this is kind of odd question but what have people done  about giving to in laws after spouse passed away.  I wish my husband had left some sort of directive about what he would have wanted in that sense. It's such an awkward thing I feel like. Anyone else been in the position of having to make those sort of decisions and not knowing what spouse would have wanted?

[klim]

I figure everything is mine so now it's my choice what to do with it. Now in my case it's not like we were the keeper of family heirlooms or anything so there really has been no issues.

 

 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Dragonfly,

 

I think that managing a spouse's possessions is one of the more stressful "tasks" after widowhood.  Unless there is something where others have legal claim to his property, his belongings are essentially yours now.  Many of us, but not all, find it comforting in the initial months and even years to keep our spouse's property.  Some find it hard to do simple things such as moving their shoes from where they left them, throwing away a used toothbrush, etc.

 

I understand that our spouse's family members want things because of sentimental value, heirloom status, practicality, and even downright greed.  Each of them grieves for the person that was our spouse, too.  I have been widowed twice and I have dealt with two very different families.  It isn't easy.

 

When my second husband died, his brother thought he was going to come and take over everything.  We had been together less than 4 years, married less than 3 - and they had had him (not really!) for 50-something years.  Fortunately, my husband had a will, I was the executor, and everything came to me.  I never told my BIL that his brother didn't trust him with money or ethics, and that he wasn't even a secondary beneficiary in the will, although BIL's daughter was. 

 

Still, though, his brother wanted many of my husband's things.  I sat and had a long, calm talk with my BIL and told him that, in time, I would go through my husband's property and he could have first crack at anything I chose not to keep.  I asked him specifically about a couple of items, such as a large telescope that had been a gift from their late father.  I told BIL to make a list so that I would know what he was interested in having. 

 

2 1/2 years later, I finally went through my husband's lifelong collection of memorabilia.  He had kept many, many things from his childhood up until the day he died.  I separated out what I wanted, disposed of financial records and other personal items that I felt my husband would not want his brother to see, and then I called my BIL to let him know I was ready for him to come and look through what was left.  My BIL came from Alaska, packed up just about everything I didn't want, and carted it off in a box truck to his daughter's home in Texas.

 

BIL wrote me about a month later to tell me how grateful he was to have been able to collect his brother's things, which included hundreds of books, childhood memories, and every single piece of correspondence my husband had ever had with his brother.  Recently, I sent BIL a collection of tie tacks, and, again, he wrote telling me he was grateful. 

 

I don't like my BIL.  He makes me very anxious.  But in the long run, he is happy, and I have let go of some really unusable things that his brother carted off from my house.

 

I guess the moral of my story is that communication is important.  You need to gently set your boundaries with his family and hope that works for you.  If you are able, give them some things that you can part with, or let them know that you will do that when you are ready.  Your loss is very recent.  You are hurting deeply.  It won't hurt anyone if you wait until you are more ready.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[daysofelijah]

Everything was legally mine and our kids as far as all his belongings, and there was no will. I offered his brothers some of his tools and guns, but they said to either sell or keep for my boys. I also gave his brothers the things that had been made by DH's father. I have some old pictures I still need to go through (4.5 years later) and offer to them from days before DH and I met, but I kind of doubt they will want them.

 

The money from life insurance and all that, I never considered giving to anyone since he left me with a lot of debt and 4 kids. I know his mom and sisters would have jumped on any money if I offered, but I didn't feel obligated to.

 

We do not live in the same state and I make an effort to get the kids to see them 1-2 times a year, but that's about the extent of our communication now.

[MR]

I don't have this issue as my inlaws are not expecting anything so really cannot comment much except according to me everything belonging to him should be yours and now it should be your decision what you want to give but again if there is something which is very imp for them and not that imp for you please go ahead and give.

[Portside]

Anyone else been in the position of having to make those sort of decisions and not knowing what spouse would have wanted?

 

Yes - I did what I thought was right. My late wife never would discuss such things so, as I said, I did what I thought was right.

 

In my case, that was different from what I thought she would want.

 

Good luck - Mike

[trying2breathe]

 

The only thing my in-laws requested was a portion of DH's cremains, which I gave to them.  DH has 2 niches - one in a cemetery near me and another in his home state near his parents.  I felt somewhat strange about dividing the cremains, but in hindsight it was the right thing to do.

 

My in-laws never asked for anything else.  After 20 years of marriage and 2 kids, much of what we had, we accumulated together.  There are a few of his family items that remain with me, and I made a point of letting my in-laws know that these items will be passed down to the kids at some point. 

 

It took me a long time to sort through possessions, and an even longer time to realize that decisions made were now solely mine.  In some cases I felt like I knew what DH would have wanted, and in other decisions I gave it a lot of thought and then made the best guess.

[Nicky11]

My husband has only been gone for a little over six months, but I did try to give his siblings something to remember him by right away. He was the youngest of nine and I haven't gotten to each of them yet, but I haven't unpacked (I had to move after his death) many of his things yet either... I know all of his things are mine now, but his siblings loved him too. So I want them to have something special. You'll know what to give them and when because it will feel right. I wont get rid of anything until I'm sure... like my husbands truck. I hate driving it, it's sitting in the driveway losing trade in value, but I'm not ready. So, there it sits and I drive it every few weeks so it doesn't just sit there and rust.