Marrying a widower is tough...

[MauiMermaid]

What seems lost of the author of the piece and probably a lot of people who are with widows is how obligated we feel to keep our late spouses present in the public consciousness. To ensure that they are not forgotten. The new partner is here, but who will speak for our late spouses?

 

THIS. So this.

 

I know it must be difficult for NG to hear when I talk through memories or sadness. But the truth is my DH is forever part of who I am.

 

I found the blog post a little callous.

[Christopher]

Your wife and her children have sacrificed for you.  They are living in the shadow of your late wife.  It isn't easy to re-establish your life in a new place as an adult.  Making friends is difficult.  Making acquaintances isn't as difficult as making friends, but I'll bet your new wife is feeling at least somewhat isolated. 

 

It seems that the two of you are communicating well, but perhaps your wife hasn't really figured out the words to explain some confusing feelings about her new life.  Maybe I am reading too much into this, but I am just trying to relate my experiences to what she might be feeling.  I can easily list about 15 other widow/widower friends that have had to work through recoupling issues...and the biggest success factor has been compromise.  30 miles is not that far to commute.  Perhaps the whole family would be happier if you could purchase a new "us" home near her small city where your wife and her children can get back to some of what is important to them - and where your (younger?) children can thrive as well.

 

Nobody should live in the shadow of another.

 

It's just not right.

 

Yes, transitions are hard but the folks willing to go through them have true commitment and by their continued vigil show true love and dedication. I like that your new man was very eager to help you make the transition to what his life had become and that he was doing his best to help you integrate without living in his late wife's shadow.

 

The transition is difficult to make while retaining old behaviors and such. A person can quickly feel out of place, alienated and isolated by the sheer magnitude of it. This of course takes them out of their comfort zone quite a bit and many fear for their safety in such circumstances, running away to where they are familiar even if it is miserable.

 

As for those that responded that the deceased spouse is eternally a part of who they are, this is not in dispute. The point I raise is that the new spouse should not eternally live in the shadow of the lost one as permanently second-best. They are merely a different person and ought to be loved just as the first one was.