Please give me a reason to be here (I hate Earth)

[Mcdc10]

First, let me start off saying I'm not suicidal but I feel as if I'm in limbo. I have two wonderful, young kids who I love so very much, but this is just getting too hard to bear.  I was doing just fine until I came into the 5 1/2 month mark.  I've taken care of most of the paperwork and dealt with planning for our "new normal."  I thought when you get around the 6th month things will get better.  Boy was I wrong! This just sucks!!! I looked and acted so strong, but reality is beginning to set in and it is not pretty.  If I hear, "You're so strong", one more time, I think I'm going to scream.  I hate being on this Earth.  I hate to hear the ridiculous things people complain about.  While many are up in arms about politics, I can care less.  This Earth is not for me and I need a reason to be here besides my children.  I need to know that it will get just a little better and this knife that I have in my heart would dissipate. In almost every aspect of my life, I'm a leader, which sucks even more because people depend on me, which drains the little energy I have left. Yes, I see a therapist and she has been helpful, and yes I'm a Christian who prays but I find myself wishing time would fly by so I can get out of this purgatory. Even though I have many people around me who love me, they just don't get it and I'm not one to complain or let out my feelings to just anyone.  Earth feels like a prison sentence and I know I have to be here for my children, but I need another reason. Please someone, just give me a reason!

 

Thanks for listening. (That felt good to let it out)

[Mrs Reader]

I hear you. I am eight months out, and I feel the same as you. I felt better earlier but now all the optimism has gone out of the window.

I don't know what to say. Physical excercise seems to help. And sometimes shopping. Movies make me happy for a while. And talking to a good friend. Kids keep me busy thank god. But nah, I don't know. I can't seem to let go of him, maybe that is the way out of this limbo and get forward?

 

[Mcdc10]

Thank you Mrs Reader

 

I know we are trying our best.  I just needed to get it off my chest.  I was wondering if there were others out there who got worst around this time.  The have been a big distraction but the shock has definitely wore off and this terrible reality has set in. I'm so sorry for your loss, keep being active.  I will try to do the same. 

[Nicky11]

I'm right here with you. At the six and a half month mark. Finding a purpose feels close to impossible... but hopefully we all get there eventually. I used to be so on top of the news and current events, and like you I haven't cared for months. I find I do best when I completely get my brain into a project... for me it's normally crochet. This new normal sucks. (Hugs)

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi there,  I'm sorry that you are suffering.  I, too, bought into the myth of 6 months.  I repeated it in my head like a mantra "if you can just get to six months" over and over.  And then 6 months came and went and by months 7 and 8 I crashed.  Spectacularly.  But I soldiered on, I learned not to be so hard on myself and to forgive myself for my many mistakes, I accepted that grieving is really, really hard work and exhausting and that it had to be done.  You will, too.  Accept that you're hurting right now.  Of course you are!  I had to spend a whole lot of time sitting alone with myself before the clouds started to part.  I had to figure out who I was now that everything had changed - I spent the first six months pretending that if I just kept doing everything the same way that we always did, then everything would be just like it always was.  Boy was I wrong! 

 

But from where I sit now, just over four years now, I can promise you that it does get better.  But for me it took time.  Somedays it still sneaks up on me when I'm least expecting it.  Sending you all strength and hope. 

[Mrs Reader]

TooSoon put it well. Six months of soldiering, that's what it was. I also thought that I am mastering this widowhood so exeptionally well, and then came the months seven and eight and I was back in the day one. So here I am now, starting all over.

Hang in there Mcdc, we will get through. Hugs!

 

[Mizpah]

Mcdc, I'm so sorry.  As I read your words, I had remembrances from 5-5 1/2 years ago.  You say you don't care about politics, and I remember how I stopped watching the news when DH died and I never had any clue what was going on and I felt a keen awareness of how little it truly mattered what went on in the broader world.  (Osama bin Laden was killed the weekend DH died, and I didn't even know for weeks.)

 

For me, the full first two years were very, very hard.  Though, for me, it never ever felt as bad as those first few days/weeks, I do distinctly remember the feeling the day after the end of the first year.  It was a deeper sadness than I'd been in, because not only was nothing different, but I also felt exiled from grieving. 

 

In the beginning (I barely remember the first 5 months), I hated how time took me further from him, took him further from existence/reality.  I monitored myself pretty closely, the waves of feelings - do I feel a little better?  Do I feel worse?  Am I ok?  Am I crazy? 

 

Does it get better?  My opinion: yes.  Yes, very much so, but very very gradually and over a long period of time.  (And as a mom to a 2 1/2 year old, I know that always having to be "on" and always having to put others first, to be a servant of sorts, to never have time alone, not to be able to indulge your own needs or feelings, it is extremely hard all on its own even without grieving.)

 

In April, it'll be 6 years for me.  At two years, I started to feel alive again.  It had been coming and growing for months by then.  I was still very upset at times though.  I don't know when that stopped.  But I know that now, I'm ok.  Pretty fully ok. 

 

I think one of the worst things we widows can do in the beginning is look for a big grand "graduation" of sorts - finding a big inspiration, a big "reason for living," and big new 5-year-plan, a big better feeling.  For me, it was about the little things.  Finding joy in simple pleasures again, slowly, random ones at random, unexpected moments.  Being interested in reading again.  Finding other people's (more minor) problems worthy of concern and sympathy.  Wanting things for my future, even if I didn't know what.  Starting not to shudder when people touched me (in the beginning, each touch upset me because I wanted him to have been the last to touch me), and then eventually, missing and craving romantic/sexual/physical contact.

 

In the beginning, I found it best to just engage in simple, healthy habits and not think too much about the future or goals, thought mostly about him and loss and grief - really delved into it mentally and emotionally.  Just keep going.  One day it won't feel so hard. 

[Mcdc10]

Wow!  I am absolutely amazed how you guys captured exactly what I'm feeling.  Also, hearing from those who are many years out gives me hope for the future. Thank you everyone for the encouragement and not feeling as if I am alone and crazy.  I was searching for a purpose and some grand feeling that I'm supposed to feel around six months. I know now more than ever after reading the responses that I need to take each day slowly and not to be too hard on myself. Right now, I have no idea who I am.  I was two and now I am one. I don't even know what one is.  I've always been a planner and always had a five-year plan. The unknown is very scary.  But for now, I'll be in the present knowing that each smile, each laugh and each enjoyment is an accomplishment.