I still feel guilty

[rooshy]

he's been gone for over four years but I still wake up at night thinking his death was my fault.  Matt had an infection that turned septic, causing a heart attack; my in-laws and myself had to decide to keep him on or off life support.  We decided to remove him since there was chance of recovery.  Since then I've been waking among every night thinking that I've done something wrong, forgotten something for the kids,etc - that something disastrous will happen.  I am so tired of thinking that his death was my fault when it wasn't - he's the one who let his Urinary Tract Infection go for too long and sepsis developed.  How do I resolve and move on?

[Wheelerswife]

I think that we need to be gentle with ourselves. (Ann E always says this!)  We did the best we could with the information we had.  My first husband began his descent into hell about 16 months before he actually died.  He crashed on me at home.  I had finally put my foot down and told him I was taking him to the hospital because he was too sick and I couldn't do it myself.  I tried my best to treat him like the adult he was and let him make these decisions for himself.  I waited a little too long, in hindsight, to over-rule him.  Obviously, if I had know he was THAT close to plugging off a lung, I would have put my foot down sooner.  Suddenly, instead of me taking him to the hospital, it was a frantic 911 call.

 

You did the best you could do under the circumstances.  He was an adult making his own decisions, too.  Sometimes, we just have to accept that reality.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[ATJ]

((Rooshy))

 

I believe that it is a natural tendency for us to second guess ourselves, forever wondering WHAT we could have done differently. But we did the best we could with the understanding and resources available at the time, and we did it with LOVE, not carelessness!

 

Guilt and doubt can devour us, if let them.

 

"Guilt: The gift that keeps on giving."

-- Erma Bombeck

 

 

Even great thinkers have had doubt.

"I know that I know nothing"

~~ Socrates

 

Sometimes we must attempt to let go of our painful ruminations and say to ourselves: "I did the best I could!" And our loved ones knew that.

 

 

 

 

"Earth teach me Regeneration, as the seed which rises in the spring."

 

~~ William Alexander

 

May Peace and Serenity surround your troubled heart, and may you find regeneration!

 

ATJ

[Carey]

ATJ ... I know your words weren't intended for me but I couldn't not say that I gained some comfort and insight myself from them.  I carry quite a bit of guilt for the way things went with my husband and our relationship and his death and today in particular I've been dwelling some on it, so thank you for the obvious time and thought you put into each post.

[lcoxwell]

Honestly, I am in the "feeling guilty" boat, too.  Two days before hospice was called in, I had a complete meltdown, crying, arguing, begging, doing anything I could to try and convince my Kenneth to stay in the rehabilitation hospital for a few weeks, just until they could get him stabilized.  He was determined to come home, though, and nothing I did could change that.  When we got home, I told him I just couldn't do it alone, anymore.  We had lost home health, because he had reached a point in which he was beyond anything they could so for him, and I was desperate and afraid.

 

I was the one, who went the next day, and spoke with the doctor.  I was the one, who asked if it was time to call hospice in.  I was the one, who set up the appointment to meet with them.  I have often wondered if I made the right decision, and I often feel guilty, thinking that if I had waited, he might have lived long enough to see my son graduate and to make it to my daughter's wedding.

[BrokenHeart2]

We all did the very best we could for the ones we loved the most in our lives. At 22 months out I too did beat myself up with the same questions. In time, I realized he and I both knew and know now that I gave him my best and he so appreciated all of it. He wanted to die at home and I made sure that happened.  It wasn't easy but 'it is what it is' for all of us. Just remember, no matter what, we all did our best.

Hugs to all of us Wids! ❤️

[anniegirl]

I don't think many of us every completely reconcile the feeling that we should have done something differently. Even though in most cases, the outcome wouldn't have changed at all.

 

The feelings fade with time but when they do pop up instead of giving into to the "if only's", remind yourself that you did what you had to in the moment under incredible emotional pressure and that you didn't have superpowers then or now that could have changed anything.

 

Give yourself permission to not look back. To not dwell on decisions that can't be unmade.

 

You are a good person. You loved your spouse. There is no reason to beat yourself up for having done the best that you could possibly do. That anyone could have done.

[Guest look2thesky]

You get it into your mind that you could not change fate, and realize you did the best you could, and be proud, of that.

[Carey]

Did I really do the best I could? Sometimes I really think I killed him. For our entire marriage he struggled with alcohol.  Some times were worse than others, but it was ALWAYS there. I felt like I was always battling it.  He got laid off from his job here and things took a swift downward spiral. He associated his identity with that job.  He was a jet engine specialist and adored his career. He could "turn off" the alcohol for work. It NEVER once in 17 years affected his job. He had been delivering pizzas on the side to make extra money.  When he got laid off, delivering pizzas and unemployment were it and he felt like a "loser".  I was hard pressed to get him to get up and GO to the pizza job at all,  and when he did he was drinking and driving. We were sinking FAST and he wasn't looking for a job. He was wallowing. So I started looking and found the job in Saudi.  It was a contractor position, but instructing on the F15e which he was qualified for and I thought he would love. ALSO, what I loved was that there is no alcohol allowed in Saudi Arabia.  To my mind, it was like getting paid to go to rehab.  I thought it was the perfect solution. He could do that for a year and that would buy us some time to come up with a better plan and it would dry him out and maybe kick the alcohol for good.  What was I thinking?  Drugs are illegal here ... does that mean people don't die daily from drug overdoses? Not only did he drink there, but it was WORSE.  He was depressed and lonely and separation anxiety haunted him.  I was always the one that made sure he got to bed, made sure he was taken care of when he drank. How could I do that from 7000 miles away? It was his birthday. Our sons birthday was the next day. Thanksgiving was less than a week away.  Our anniversary was the following Saturday. Not to mention Christmas coming up. He was alone there and all those important days were staring him in the face.  He had promised (ha ha ha) not to drink that weekend.  He did and I knew it and was angry. I purposefully ignored him on Friday because I knew he was drinking and I was hurt and disappointed. On his birthday he was given or bought a bottle. He locked himself in his room and drank it all. He was found sitting at his dinner table ... plate of food on the table along with the bottle. He was found dead right there. Had he been home, he would have lived. I would have made sure he got to bed to his CPAP machine.  I pushed him to "man up" and take that job and take care of his family and then I gave him SUCH a hard time every time he drank while he was there.  It all could have been prevented. By ME.  I just don't see another way to spin it.

[Catnip]

Carey, I?m so sorry for your pain. This is a difficult topic.

It?s been 8 years for me. I believe that everyone is born with so many breaths to take and when our time is up, it?s up. Doctors play God but are not. Some treatments work for some people, but not others. Miracles happen, sometimes. I believe that it is all up to God. My faith helps me the most.

My husband was 51 years old, an adult who was holding a professional job, making decisions all day at work, and at home keeping up a house with 3 sons, and me. Yet his final decisions were not the best, now looking back. He was diagnosed with pneumonia, and was put on an antibiotic. That did not really work. The doctor suggested it may be blood clots and wanted to send my husband for a CAT scan. My husband refused, saying it could not be blood clots, that another dose of antibiotics would help him. Well, after waking up one morning, not being able to breathe, me calling 911 and him getting to the hospital for a CAT scan, guess what? He died from blood clots in both lungs. I had offered to take him to the hospital days earlier, but he refused. I did not argue at the time; he was a 51 year old adult. But then again, he never died before. Guess he was just as surprised at dying as I was.

Peace to all of us,

~Catnip

 

[anniegirl]

Carey and Catnip,

 

It's easy to take on responsibility for others, isn't it. I've been there.

 

It's hard to remember that in reality, we can't make others' decisions for them.

 

I am not an expert on men but having been married to two of them, I know that you can't force them to do anything they don't want to.

 

My LH made decisions that caused him to not be diagnosed properly in the beginning and it cost us because it meant his decline and death was much harder than it had to be. Ugly. Long. Scarring.

 

But, I stopped blaming myself for not doing this or doing that instead of something else because the reality is that I only have control over my own actions. I am not powerful enough to take blame or credit for anyone but me.

 

It's my opinion - and nothing more - that we can hang on to those feelings of hurt, disappointment, anger and guilt - or we can accept that what happened happened and there really was nothing we could have done in the moment that would have changed anything.

 

Hindsight is really nothing but "what ifs" in reverse.

 

Having read your stories, I still don't see how you could have changed anything. Even a little. Everything you are whipping yourselves with are simply "what ifs" that you don't know for sure would have had any impact at all.

 

You will feel what you feel until you don't need to anymore. Guilt. Grief. They are somewhat the same in that they serve a purpose and when they don't anymore, they ease up and fade away.

 

No one here thinks you should feel guilty. You are good people who bad things happened to. It wasn't your fault. You did what was needed in the moment. That's all anyone can do. Be easier on yourselves.

 

 

[Lmsmdm]

Yes, I still beat myself up too.

 

What if? I hate it when that thought creeps into my head!

 

Edited to add, Rooshy it's good to see you here