I feel so alone

[Monique]

It's been 3 weeks since I lost Sam. One of the hardest things right now is just feeling so completely alone. I have my family, his family, and friends who care, and I'm grateful, but I still feel isolated. Everyone else has jobs and families and lives to get back to, but my whole world has been ripped out from under me. At my parents' insistence, I quit my job and moved all my stuff back to their house (on the other side of the country). In two months I'll be going back to a seasonal job where I worked before I met Sam. In the meantime, I'm spending a few weeks with my family and a few weeks with his. I don't have a lot to keep me busy right now, and it's just really frustrating because I feel like I have no one to talk to, or like I'm inconveniencing people because they actually DO have a life outside of dealing with grief. Anyone have any advice or wisdom? Does this feeling of isolation ever go away?

[Mizpah]

Yes, this feeling does get better over time, and I stress "over time."  You're going through many changes at once - the hugest one, losing him, but also moving and changing jobs and leaving your home and geographic change, and no longer being in the place where you have memories and shared a life.  It's a huge, huge change.  My advice if you are able to make it happen: therapy.  Having a time and place where you can just pour it all out and sort through the debris of what was your life and feel everything and indulge all your thoughts, tell the stories, despair, find hope, etc., etc. - it's invaluable.  And lean on fellow widow(er)s - we understand and speak the same language.  We feel or have felt everything you are feeling.  In some areas, you can find meetup groups for young widows.  Unfortunately, the isolation and loneliness is part of the grief.  I hope you have/find a person or two who will allow you to feel comfortable talking as much as you need to.  We're here on the same path next to you, ahead of you, behind you.  Wishing you comfort and solace. 

[Wheelerswife]

Hi, Monique,

 

It is so early for you and your move has taken you out of your environment.  But...in all honestly, everything gets disrupted when you lose the love of your life.  It is hard to lose your routines...because, while hard to even keep, they are routines and they are almost like automatic pilot.  You get up, you shower, you try to eat, you have a place to go, you have some responsibility.  Sometimes, that can help you get some relief from the constancy of thinking about your loss.

 

But right now you don't have that.  In some ways, your parents have almost reduced you to a child and are telling you what to do.  You are back under their roof.  They have already made some overtures that have had the effect of minimizing your loss.  Your soul wants to scream...as well it should! 

 

When my first husband died, I took off 6 weeks to recover and get some rest, but I was in my own home.  I took some day trips and visited other family, too.  I visited the cemetery every day.  I stood at his grave and talked to him.  I found a young widows grief support group through a center for grieving families, even though I didn't have kids.  I found the precursor to this board and connected with folks near where I lived and I started corresponding through private messages with others in a similar time frame as myself.  When I went back to work, that occupied my thoughts for a number of hours a day and that was helpful.  I spent the rest of my time pretty much alone.

 

When my second husband died, I was attending a university (again...in my late 40's) and I went back to school right away.  School gave me a reason to get up and out of the house every day and get my assignments done.  I had a counselor at school, too, who listened to me cry and process my grief.  My family doesn't live close by...and they have never truly understood my losses either.  (My father said this to me 3 months after my first husband died:  "You knew he was going to die.  Why are you so sad?")

 

Your loss is so fresh right now.  It is going to hurt...and people, for the most part, are not going to understand.  I suggest, though, that you don't stop talking about him, your loss, your disrupted life plans.  We need to process our losses.  I don't know what is best for you.  Maybe you can write in a journal.  Maybe a grief counselor would be better.  You can call and ask at a funeral home or hospice, even if you didn't use their services.  Some people find that exercise is their new best friend.  This intensely painful time does not last forever.  Your life will always be influenced by your loss, but that is not all bad.  You will see the world through different eyes, but it is truly possible, in time, for life to be good again.

 

Hang in there, Monique.  Hugs to you.

 

Maureen

[Monique]

Thank you both. I did have the opportunity this weekend to talk things through with a priest I've been close to for several years, which helped. My parents are frustrating in some ways, but they are trying to help. Hopefully I can find ways to show them what kind of help I really need. I'm hopeful that staying with ny in-laws for a while will be healing as well. I have things to look foward to in the next couple of months, but getting through the days until then is so hard!

[MR]

Hi Monique,

So sorry for your loss. As time passes the feeling of isolation will reduce and you will also learn to deal with them. This board is great to pour out your feelings. Write some journal as that might help but you really need to talk whether with a friend, family member or therapist. Drink lots of water and eat healthy as much as possible. God will give us some strength to deal with it.

 

Hugs

Manoj