Asking Too Much

[Monique]

I feel like I'm asking too much of everyone around me. I'm desperate for someone to talk to, but it seems like none of the people I reach out to have the time to listen and be there for me as much as I need. They have their own lives, jobs, families. They didn't sign on to deal with all my problems. The only person who DID sign up for that isn't here anymore, and now I'm afraid I'm going to drive everyone else away. One person I thought I could lean on has been distant lately, so I'm trying to find others, but I don't want to burden anyone too much with the weight of my grief. It isn't fair that I have to go through this, so how could it possibly be fair to lay it on others too?

[Julester3]

The sad reality is some people can't take it because they can't relate or understand what you are going through. Have you thought to look for a support group accessible to you? I go to one and it's helpful to unload to people who understand and they are so much more understanding than a usual acquaintance. If that is no go, lmk and I'll message you my own phone number. Hugs to you. 

[Monique]

Thanks Julester. I'm kind of between cities right now, but it's something I'll look into once I get settled. For now, this forum helps a lot

[Mizpah]

It's ok to lean on people and to cash in on the implicit promises of friendship.  It is.  Some won't be there for you.  But some will. 

 

You say you're between cities - once you are in a place (or if you know where you're going to be and when, do it now), I HIGHLY recommend regular therapy.  It's a place and time that is all for you and your needs in a world that is not, where you don't have to feel self-conscious and apologetic or like you're burdening someone for grieving.  It saved me emotionally. 

[serpico]

I had some friends early on that were there for me a lot but their support seemed to dwindle over time.  At first I had some anger about it, but after awhile I realized I needed to face some things on my own and constantly relying on others wasn't necessary healthy either.  It's a balancing act, and it's fine to lean on others but there comes a time to wean oneself off that support as well.

[JeanGenie]

I hear ya. I also miss that person who is always there to talk to, even if it's just banter about our day. I live alone since DH passed and so there really is no one to talk to at the end of the day. I do have some close friends who I can turn to, but sometimes they are not available or I also feel like I'm bothering them (since I always seem to be the one initiating the contact). Then it becomes just another reminder of the person who left us and is supposed to be the one who would always be there for us. I'm at 4 yrs and I'm still trying to adjust to being "okay" alone, just me, talking to myself, but it's a slow process. I thought about getting a cat, but I don't want to become that old, cat lady (and other reasons as well related to allergies, etc.). So no good advise except to take it one day at a time and you can always come here to the board.  Feel free to PM me too if you'd like!

[Guest TooSoon]

My husband lived out his terminal cancer and his death like a performance art piece.  It was an 18 month public event and there were so many people involved that, looking back, I'm not sure how I managed being in the role of "curating" it, which is what I did.  After he died, that frenzy of support from so many corners - from his art community, the school where he taught, his childhood friends, our friends from a running club we were deeply involved in, my longtime work colleagues - continued for a while.  As I did during the illness, I kept up.  I guess I thought it would continue in that vein but it didn't. 

 

Once people began to recognize that I was falling apart, they started to fall away.  I suspect it was too hard for them to witness, let alone engage.  I started to recoil and keep to myself.  Like serpico said, I had some things I needed to work out on my own.  My priorities shifted.  I needed to recalibrate my relationship with my daughter and my relationship to work; hell, I needed to recalibrate my relationship with the whole world and somehow I knew that that task was on me and me alone.  While sometimes I think I took isolating myself a bit too far, I had to do it to come out on the other side of grief with feet firmly planted on the ground.  It took time. 

 

In my experience (and I am older, I think, than you are - 44), it was my friends from before I met Scott who came through in the end and who have - unfortunately, mostly from a distance - been my bedrock.  People I've known for 20 years or more.  In fact, those friends have come to me with their own problems and while they're not widowed, they've suffered or are suffering and we've found communion in that, a shared recognition that life is messy.  I found it odd at the time but also comforting that my pain allowed them to express their own pain.  They are the friends that I know will stand by me for a lifetime because they stood by me when things were really bad and when I was irrational and when I was absentee for stretches; they were the people who understood that they might not understand and who did not put expectations or timelines on my grief.  I was lifted up by their trusting me with the things they couldn't tell anyone else - not that I wanted or want them to be suffering but there is comfort in sharing the things we cannot share with the rest of the world.  Not every friend can "get it" and not every relationship can weather that kind of battering but some will. 

 

I also leaned on people I reached out to on the old iteration of this board.  Those relationships, too, have meant so much to me as we've together climbed the ladder of grief.  Some of them have been durable and some of them temporary, but those widowed friendships I made, each and every one of them, helped immeasurably.  I hope you'll reach out to people who are close to your same stage in the process of grieving.  And it is a process.  Four years for me and I'm still here pretty regularly and keep up with lots of people on Facebook and via text.  I still need to know that everyone is standing and that we all share this ongoing process.  I like to celebrate their "wins" as it were, too! 

 

Be kind to yourself and know that you will find your way and there will be people who rise up and meet you where you are, sometimes they turn out to be people you never would have thought would be there for you.  Sending support. 

[tybec]

So much good has been said already here.  It is just hard.  Process, time.

 

This Sunday on Sunday morning, they are doing a follow up interview:

 

On May 1, 2015, while vacationing in Mexico, the husband of Sheryl Sandberg, the chief operating officer of Facebook, died suddenly while exercising. Dave Goldberg was just 47. An autopsy, Sandberg says, showed that he died of coronary heart disease and had a cardiac arrhythmia.

 

 

Then known for her bestselling 2013 book “Lean In,” which urged women in the workplace to stand up for themselves, Sandberg unexpectedly found herself confronting her toughest challenge, as a single mother of two young children.

 

Anyway, after previewing on CBS this morning, Gayle King went on to say how glad she was this lady found new love as she must discuss this in the interview.  It made me very aware that society just really wants us to move forward and re-coupling is like THE outward sign of this.  It isn't required, and we KNOW here, that there are so many things to work through. Curious to see what this lady shares. 

 

My point.  Hang on.  Take time.  There are so many dynamics we all contend with, we never thought we would.  Happy to have found this board, also.  Life saver, often.

[Monique]

TooSoon, I've experienced as well that some of the people who have been there for me the most are those who are suffering in some way themselves. And my grief has also helped me understand how to reach out to them too. I feel I've grown closer with certain friends through this because we're suffering together, albeit in different ways. But there's also guilt there, because I don't want to burden people too much when they have their own problems.

[Monique]

I'm back. This morning I read Sam's suicide letter for the second time. I knew it would be hard, but my biggest mistake was doing it alone. Now I'm losing it and can't find anyone to talk to. Help...