Here's The Truth

[Monique]

This one goes out to all the people I run into on a daily basis who casually ask me "How are you?" but don't really care about the answer.

 

How am I, you ask? How am I?

 

I hate that question, because there's no good way to answer it.

I'll probably tell you I'm okay, or alright, or fine. Never good, because that's too bold of a lie. But none of them are the truth. I guarantee you don't want the truth. But here it is anyway, for those of you willing to hear it.

 

The truth is, I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry. And I'm really, really sad. All the time. Even if I don't look like it.

 

The truth is, I'm falling apart. I can't keep up at work, I can't think straight, I can't have a normal conversation. And I can't bring myself to care.

 

The truth is, everything I do feels meaningless now. I have no interest in anything.

 

The truth is, I'm not just overwhelmed at work, I'm overwhelmed by LIFE.

 

The truth is, I can barely manage to get out of bed some days.

 

The truth is, I feel like a failure at everything: life, love, work, all of it.

 

The truth is, I'm more fragile than you think. Sometimes all it takes is the wrong tone of voice to make me cry.

 

The truth is, sometimes I just lose it because of a song on the radio or a memory that pops into my head.

 

The truth is, sometimes I get so angry at the world that I want to scream at the top of my lungs and put my fist through a window.

 

The truth is, I come home and cry at night and wonder what's the point in living.

 

The truth is, I spend significant amounts of time contemplating ways to die.

 

The truth is, every breath I take feels like a betrayal. How can I go on living when the love of my life is dead?

 

The truth is, I don't want to live anymore, but I don't really want to commit suicide either. I've seen what it does to the people left behind, and I don't want to perpetuate that cycle. Plus I'm too afraid of eternal damnation. But if I could just get struck by lightning or something, that would be great.

 

The truth is, I feel completely alone all the time, even if I'm surrounded by people, because no one gets it.

 

The truth is, I feel guilty for not being a good employee, a good friend, a good daughter. I'm letting everyone down and I hate it.

 

The truth is, I'm constantly afraid of being too much of a burden on the people around me.

 

The truth is, I hate  saying I'm okay, because I'm not and probably never will be. Nothing will ever be the same. But I'm not supposed to tell people that.

 

Aren't you glad you asked?

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey Monique, truth is I remember feeling all of this too early on. You nailed it!

Something I read that resonated with me was " if you're going through hell, keep going". Believe or not, that helped to get me through some pretty dark days. Oh, and the people here to of course.

Hugs

[Wheelerswife]

I get it. I was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer just weeks after my second husband died. I hoped it would just take me out of my misery. Obviously, it didn't. Even though I still get my low points, I no longer feel so hopeless.

 

How did I get to this point?  Especially when it was so bad?  I just kept breathing through it all.

 

Hang in there...by these threads that let you express what is going on. And...make sure you are talking to a counselor of your choosing. Someone close to you needs to know how you feel and should be able to check in on you. And if you ever feel anything that is remotely akin to taking your own life, call a hot line or get yourself to a hospital. There is a difference between thinking it would be okay if you got struck by lightning and planning to actively do something to harm yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Bambi]

So this ..... OMG soooooooo this !!!

Thank you for sharing xxxx

[JeanGenie]

Oh Monique,

I could have written all of this as well...early on.  I know you hear it all the time, but it gets better. Sure there are still moments when any one or several of the things you wrote still apply. But thankfully only for short bursts of time and I'm able to move through them.

 

There are still days when I want to scream back at those who casually ask "how are you" and have no interest in really hearing how you are. But we hear you here.  So come here and share and rant and let it out. And take it one moment, one hour, one day at a time.

[kailee]

Oh Monique,

I could have written all of this as well...early on.  I know you hear it all the time, but it gets better. Sure there are still moments when any one or several of the things you wrote still apply. But thankfully only for short bursts of time and I'm able to move through them.

 

I believe it gets easier. I believe that. I really, really do.

But get better? I can't believe it will ever be better. He will always be gone. Everything we had ever wanted and ever planned for and ever dreamed of is impossible. So the pain may dull, but it will never be gone. Not for me. Not for this. That's a reality that I can't look at full on, at least not yet. I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.

[Laura1612]

Monique,

 

I am seven months out, and I feel much the same way you do all the time. Especially the part about being overwhelmed with life. I want to die but I'm not going to kill myself. I'm just so exhausted from getting up and breathing every day.

 

Laura

[Guest Metv]

I think most people have good intentions and hi how are you doing is their way of just simple communicating.

I remember early on any reactions from people seemed to bother me now I wish sometimes to go back and say hey thanks for being concerned it was really nice of you to think of me, no matter what they said.

[lostwholesoul]

Nailed it. I'm 6mos, 4 days in and I still hate lying about this question, but am told to not be so honest. I guess these people could ask what is the expectation from me of how to say hi. I haven't figured out what I want them to say to me, but I damn sure know that this isn't it. All the platitudes are just fillers of time and space. When I do start talking, I mean really talking, they are not fully prepared to handle. So, I just keep most of it bottled up. This site is a place where I think we all get each other. Thank you for sharing.