Summer break dreadful

[Jennica]

So I am hitting another first - summer without my husband. My husband died 3 days into the school year. I teach and I have two in grade school and one under the age of two. We had a system and a routine, FINALLY. Now it's all screwed up. This is our first summer without him and I hate it. All I do is think about him. I am into day 4 of summer break and it sucks. Working, taking care of three kids, running around, doing everyday things well it wears you out (apparently I like that because I'm busy).Now I am just grasping at things to do and keep me busy. I hate changing who I was. I used to be a homebody. I could stay at home for days and be perfectly content. Now I need to go, get out, do  something, keep busy. Why do I have to change me when I liked me just fine. In order for me to be at peace, I need to go go go or do do do. I loved sleep now I function on less sleep and seem to be fine. But now I have no job to wake up to because I'm on break and it sucks.

Jennica

[Julester3]

The year of firsts is hard. We had a hard time finishing the school year as my husband died with one quarter left so the kids struggled like hell. The summer was a time to finally breathe and not worry about sucking anything up and pushing forward for the kids. I however had to work full time to support us. I get you on the crazy tired front. Just doing everything and never seemingly stopping. We would go mall walking, the movies, we did a grand tour of different fro-yo and ice cream places. I started to let a few things in the house go and focus simply on spending quality time with the kid to strengthen us as a trio. We did okay and it made us closer. I hope you can find a balance. We all need time to ourselves sometimes to recharge. Hugs for the rough start of the summer!

[Guest TooSoon]

Oh your post took me back to my first summer ---  my husband died one week into spring semester in early February (I teach college).  My daughter was in kindergarten.  We powered through that spring semester, mind over mattering it and when summer break came, I tried to keep it up -- swim team every day, camps, trips to the shore --- but I crashed mid-way through summer break.  In a major way but even mid-crash, I still resisted it and then, in the middle of fall semester, I fell apart completely. 

 

The best advice I can give you is take this time to grieve if you can.  Let it wash over you before another school year starts.  If I could go back and do it all over again (which I actually of course never want to do again), I wish I wouldn't have filled my days with so much busyness and determined avoidance.  I paid a very high price for that later.  Sending support. 

[klim]

Teacher here as well....but my kids were older. Yes without the structure of job and school, there was a certain need to keep busy. I didn't seem to have trouble with  it,it seemed right. I don't think I would have done it differently, I think that busyness carried me through. I planned extra trips, did extra visit with friends, I worked at staying busy...........do what feels right. Good luck getting through another first.

[RyanAmysMom]

Wow, do I understand all of you!!!!!  My DH passed a month before I began my first year of teaching (3rd career...I'm no spring chicken!)  I pushed through until Christmas break, fell apart, and then when summer came, I was a complete wreck - completely put off all of my grieving until the end of the school year - what a mistake! 

 

But I recall trying to stay busy, trying to keep the kids busy, keeping my mind off the thing I'd been avoiding for a year....... 

 

And in some ways, I'm right there again this week! 

Sorry you're going through this, especially with little ones....

[Jennica]

I have kept these comments made from this post close to my thoughts for the past few weeks. Thank you all for sharing. I think in a way I was not wanting to feel the pain, the fear of life without my husband (I still feel the need to call him my husband). When I think like that it hurts right in my chest and I have taught myself to stop that feeling by distracting myself. That is not to say that I have been numb for the past 10 months but I think I just allowed a little bit in at a time. 

These past few days have slowed down. I have noticed I wake up several times in the middle of the night (this never happened during school). Tears have started flowing again. The loneliness has started to set in. I was so exhausted before that I was to tired to feel that loneliness. I am taking your advice and trying to allow all these feelings to pass through. I find it hard. I had surrounded myself with my sisters and parents to occupy my kids and myself.

Well today we went to the zoo by ourselves. Normally I would have asked my family to tag along but I know I need to do things alone with the kids. We did have a nice time but my son was sad at times. I don't know how many hugs I gave him but it was a lot. He held my hand at times. This never happens anymore, he is 9. He said several times he missed papa. I gave the kids pennies to make a wish and I am pretty sure he wished he would see his dad someday. If I would have had my sisters and their kids there we would not have felt all of these emotions. The kids would have been occupied with their cousins. I think we need to get use to it being a family of 4 versus a family that was 5 then jumped to 13+ which includes my parents, sisters, brother-in laws, and nieces and nephews. I am close with my family but I do not share how sad I am or how much I miss my husband. I think that has blocked my grieving process too.

I learned a bit today to say the least. Thank you all. This is the only place I share my feelings.

[Guest Metv]

You don't have to change who you are. Just be yourself and that will change others.

[fairlanegirl]

Yes without the structure of job and school, there was a certain need to keep busy. I didn't seem to have trouble with  it,it seemed right. I don't think I would have done it differently, I think that busyness carried me through. I planned extra trips, did extra visit with friends, I worked at staying busy...........do what feels right. Good luck getting through another first.

 

Jennica you poor thing, I remember this very, very well. I was pretty much like klim above here - found that indeed, there was enough time to grieve and be busy! Though some well-meaning friends worried about me doing too much, others realised I had to be kept busy, and I was very grateful for that. I was never a homebody, quite the reverse, but being widowed exacerbated that. Even now six years down the track and with a bloke around some of the time, I have discovered the hard way I need to have plans in the weekends, one plan at least. It depends too on your children, mine fight a bit and too much spare time can be a bad idea. I think I am now perhaps more at standard solo mother lack-of-structure than widowed lack-of-structure, but those bad grief days still hit hard.

Ten months is nothing. I still call my husband my husband, don't like the word 'late', makes him sound about 80. And I have a lovely man who loves me and the kids and vice versa. I know that is not relevant to your problem, but just mean to say, keep using husband for the rest of your life if you want. He's not your 'ex'. 

All I can say is, it will be more manageable eventually. Hang in there.

[Adley]

I'm sorry too, I know it's worse than rough. I think going to the zoo was great. I've found, at least for me, the more time I get with just me and the kids, the more we can be ourselves. Emotional moments can happen without a well-meaning relative stepping in. They will get to know you better, and that will help them long term.

  As far as summer break goes, I also kept too busy at first and the grief finally caught up with me. Everyone's different. Take time. You will make it!