Friends?

[kailee]

A little over four months in. The loss still takes my breath away, but I feel ready to venture out into the world of the living a bit at a time.

The problem is that other than one friend I have had from childhood, I do not have anyone in my life who is not part of a couple--and I mean specifically who were not our couple friends. We really didn't have individual friends; our social circle is 100% made up of people where the four of us were friends together. I don't know how to make friends, forge some kind of new identity, even just talk to people by myself and not as half of a marriage, but I am starting to feel like I want to.

Where and how to start?

[CJF]

This is something I still struggle with.  I met a few friends on here who are local but we only get together a few times a year.  All of my friends I've known a long time are married and are never available to do anything.  My kids are out of the house now and I'm ready to start doing things but I wish it was easier to meet new friends.  I'm curious to hear how others respond.

[Julester3]

I'm pretty introverted but I made friends using hobbies and it's helped me reclaim my own individual identity. If you don't have any particular hobbies, consider taking a class to ease you into an interest: a craft class at JoAnn's, a home improvement class at Home Depot, a book club at the library. I scrapbook, see/crochet, and collect dolls so I have been able to tap my interests for new friends.

[Trying]

Kailee I relate to this so well.  We were married 20 years and our social circle was all couple friends.  In the beginning some tried to still include me but it was hard on all of us.  My DH was very outgoing and loved to have people over all the time. I couldn't handle doing it alone that first year but I did try a few times and it was often a disaster.  Most friends just left me out, interestingly the husbands reached out more than the wives.  One woman in particular loves to post everything she does on FB so I got to see everything I wasn't invited too.

 

I'm introverted and have trouble making new friends but I like the idea of using hobbies or interests to meet people.  Good luck, this is a big step towards rejoining the world and finding how you fit in it now. Baby steps.

[JeanGenie]

Kailee,

This is something I struggled with as well since my DH was my best friend and we only had a few casual couple friends. I really didn't have my own, individual friends (and didn't need them...we had each other). Early on (and still sometimes today) I hated the fact that I needed to make friends to now fill the void. I have to say, though, it has been worth the effort because these new friends provide me with most of the happy moments of my life right now.

 

I was lucky enough to find a few good friends via this board and Bagos (or via other wids) and they have become some of those I'm closest with today. However, it does take effort--to stay in touch, to get together--but it's worth it.

 

I have also tried to maintain some friendships through my church, but these are less comfortable/natural. They are all couples, DGIs, and although they sometimes remember and try to include me, I'm always the 3rd wheel and we now have less in common. But I continue the effort and trying new things. But mostly I focus my energy now on maintaining the friendships I've formed over the past couple years.

 

It does take time and effort and initiating get togethers which can be difficult, especially for introverts. But it's worth it...

 

So if you look at my friendship circle, it is full of fellow wids. Even when I meet new people through interests (such as hiking), I end up finding out that they are wids as well! Maybe we are just naturally drawn to each other!

 

[Wheelerswife]

Kailee,

 

In a couple weeks, I will have been a widow for 8 years. Like JeanGenie, my lists of contacts and Facebook friends are full of widowed folks that I have met here, on this board's predecessor YWBB, at bagos, through casual meetings with people when I had the opportunity to explain why I lived where I did...

 

For a while, these people were the only people I felt comfortable with. In time, I have made other friends through work and school. I'm different than I was before being widowed. I appreciate people who understand that.

 

To you and anyone else here who is new - I suggest that, within your comfort zone, you can try to connect with others here that you can resonate with. That can be your age, your timeframe, your circumstances, the mention of a similar career path...

 

I know some people aren't as comfortable with this as others, but you might be surprised that you might strike up a chat with someone and find a new friend.

 

I have been to many, many bagos and I have met a lot of people from this site and it's predecessor. Of course, not everyone I have met is a "best friend".  But I am in almost daily contact with someone from this board and I can't imagine my life right now without these friends.

 

Sometimes I feel very alone, but I could talk to someone at any hour of the day or night if I needed to. In my early months, I did just that.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[MikeR]

kailee,

 

My wife and I were best friends. We had other friends (couples) but mostly we were happy just being with each other. All of those other friends drifted away after Cathryn died (I'm 11 years out). I am not all that outgoing and I don't make friends easily. I struggled over the years.

 

One thing that hold true for anyone who is looking for friends (even non-widowed people) is to get out and find things that interest you. Hiking, painting, volunteering, whatever. For me, it's volleyball. I also volunteer.

 

You will meet people. Some will be simply acquaintances, but some may turn into friends. You can't force it, but you can encourage it. When you meet someone you resonate with, take a (perhaps scary) step and suggest a cup of coffee, or whatever. I'm not talking about dating - just friendship.

 

Mike

[beth_krkswidow]

I went to three Grief Groups.  My friends now are almost entirely wids I've met via these Grief Groups.  I also started a Wids Breakfast and we go out for breakfast twice a month, inviting people from the different grief groups and any wids I know elsewhere.  20-30 show up, people who had never met before and who have become friends.