Back and Forth

[messageinabottle]

Just feels like sometimes I go back and forth between grieving and rebuilding.  When I start rebuilding and hit an obstacle grieving hits. (don't like that because then it is both the disappointment and I think well I wouldn't be here if I had DH.  We would be doing something else entirely together and even with obstacles I would have him. 

And then every new milestone or success or not with my children brings a "ping" of sadness.  I know in spirit their Dad is there but not the same as if he was sitting beside me with pride beaming. 

So there is this back and forth.  I wonder if any of you hit grief when you hit a life obstacle?  I really don't want to go back to grief when those obstacles hit but forge forward .  Does this make sense?

[Guest TooSoon]

Im at a point where I just want to swat it away.  Go away, grief, we are done with you.  But then there is the reality of raising our children alone and the restrictions toward building a new life that that poses.  This is not easy.  In solidarity.  ox

[BrokenHeart2]

At 22 months I'm kinda there too. When I feel like I have progression I feel like I get sucked back down into the grief wave. It almost makes me fee like not wanting to progress but I can't let that happen. Sometimes I feel like I'm pulling myself up out of the black hole.  I will keep pulling myself up,  stay strong, we'll get there!

Hugs

[anniegirl]

What you are describing is just the process and it takes as long as it takes.

 

The farther down the road you get, the less often events will rock you.

 

But everyone is different and the circumstances of our lives is different and what one person weathers easily, someone else might not.

 

For myself, I have found that at heading to ten years out, things have the power to dislodge me only if I let it. I can shut it down and if I can't I can think my way past by reminding myself that detouring into the past or the what-if's is not the best use of my time and it's not good for me or my life and the people in it.

 

I think we absolutely should acknowledge the milestones but I am not so sure that sitting down and spending time with them is helpful as the years go on.

 

It's okay to swat grief away. It's not suppressing or denying to decide you don't have the time, interest or energy to deal with it again. It's not like we haven't given it its due.

 

None of this is easy. Even years on. We all figure out how to move forward more than back (and I don't think that grieving ppl are unique in backwards progression - it's kind of a human thing to fall off the track because change is hard regardless).

 

Perhaps what is missing is taking stock of all the forward progress we have made. It's much easier to focus on the "back" than the "forth" and maybe we don't realize that we move forward even when we don't think we are doing so.

[ATJ]

?Just feels like sometimes I go back and forth between grieving and rebuilding.  When I start rebuilding and hit an obstacle grieving hits.?

 

I really don't want to go back to grief when those obstacles hit but forge forward .  Does this make sense?

 

MIB,

 

'Rebuilding' is an enormous, multifaceted endeavor, and for some it can present a more daunting task than others, based on individual circumstances. Similar to a major natural disaster, it depends on the level of destruction that has been wrought and what elements of the former structure are still intact and usable. Is there any foundation left? Is the general area safe to rebuild, or has it been declared a 'danger zone' which is now off limits, or perhaps it has become a malodorous miasma, too unpleasant to want to stay. 

 

I have observed some variations among the widowed. The ones with whom I have become personally acquainted are all older than I, and they were without exception 'fortunate' enough (a relative term) to have the major structure of their lives still intact. They were left with a big hole in their "house of life", but the remaining part still stands strong. They did not lose ANY of their former friends, and their families stuck with them like glue. Often their existing relationships with both family and friends became even stronger, and the logistics of life also remained relatively undisturbed. - They still live in the same home which they shared with their spouses, often without making any, or only minor decorative changes, still drive the same car, frequent the same stores, restaurants, and are still deeply rooted in their communities and social circles. And while they miss their spouses, their lives pretty much continued on autopilot, and therefore they have adjusted rather well. Grief returns sporadically and briefly on special occasions, usually anniversaries.

 

Then there are others who have to go through a major metaphorical remodeling project, but still have sufficient original elements left intact and reusable. However, the enormous task ahead of them can be daunting and long, and sometimes, in mid process, as their remodeling plan unfolds, they realize that they don't like it and tear part of the new structure down again. It can be an intermittent 'hit and miss' project. All of this is energy draining, and during the ensuing upheaval grief often returns and exacerbates their exhausting efforts. At times it all can deplete them so much that they have to slow down and take a short or more extended break, meanwhile living in an unfinished structure, which contains part of the old and some new elements. Quite confusing, enervating and discouraging, indeed!!

 

Then, there is a third category, where EVERYTHING has been obliterated, no more usable elements left at all. No foundation, and even the original construction site can't be used anymore. In those cases the "survivors" have to find an entirely new site, in addition to new construction material. Every single aspect of their lives has been destroyed in the blink of an eye, and they don't even recognize the greater landscape anymore. They feel as if having been transported to a different planet. As a consequence, they have to literally reinvent themselves entirely, in addition to the logistical part of their lives. There is in fact no physical evidence that their former life ever existed - no children, no family, and no other witnesses who can attest to it. The collateral damage was too far reaching.

 

This can result in a MAJOR mind game, making them doubt their own sanity. It can transport them into a surreal state, questioning their identity and very existence. Perhaps it is similar to living under a witness protection program - with a fake identity, drastic relocation, and no looking back on what was before - the entire past wiped out and having to deny one's authenticity and assume different characteristics, just to survive. This can at times feel like an eerie 'out of body experience'. And even if "The New" has pleasant aspects, it all seems FAKE. And then grief comes barreling back with a vengeance at times, even as they want to leave it FAR behind, never to return. The resurfacing grief then often finds an ally in the nefarious hypnotist who puts the patient into an altered state of mind, and both form a new and powerful battle front.

 

And yes, even new triumphs and victories can feel hollow and meaningless, while outsiders enthusiastically applaud and express their admiration for our efforts.

 

Yep, this rebuilding can in its own way become almost as rigorous and challenging as the initial stages of grief. It's a different kind of struggle, but no less significant. We had to transition from the 'WE' to 'ME' thinking, thus feeling further separation in the process from not only our spouses but also our former selves, and with it a new sense of loneliness emerges.

 

No matter what each individual's circumstances are, widowhood is "the gift that keeps on giving"!! The only thing that keeps us going is trying to find renewed hope and clinging to it, which in itself is a challenging and often frustrating endeavor, as I described in my related post.

 

 

 

 

'The Climb'

by Emma Nurton -

 

Climbing up a mountain,

Pulling yourself higher and higher.

Out of the pit of misery.

 

Things seem to look brighter.

Grass is growing, Birds are singing,

And the sun emerges from the clouds.

 

Then you start to slip,

To lose your grasp,

And down you fall.

 

Not quite to the bottom,

Just teetering on a ledge,

Could you go over at any moment,

Have you the strength to climb again?

 

The pain of your cut soul

Burns like a fire,

The anger, hurt and frustration

Come flooding back into your mind.

 

The fight for survival starts again.

Overcome the fear,

Search for the holds,

Rely on the support from before.

 

I know it's going to be difficult,

But you did it once,

You can do it again.

Remember, you're not the only one -

 

Out there are other climbers,

Fighting their own battles,

Searching their own soul,

And conquering their own mountains.

 

-------------------

 

 

Let's keep climbing together and holding onto Hope!

 

ATJ

 

[Guest marian1953]

oh, bless you for this post.

Marian

[Mizpah]

Yes, completely.  I got in a minor fight with my boyfriend this morning.  Got in my car, and all I could think about was the smell of DH's cologne and how badly I wanted to wear it and if it's socially acceptable for a woman to wear men's cologne.  It was a few minutes of going deep down this rabbit hole of thought that I realized what I was doing and why.  Just a small example of yes, it definitely happens to me.

[anniegirl]

going deep down this rabbit hole of thought that I realized what I was doing and why

 

It's almost always about something else and grief is a handy learned response.

[messageinabottle]

going deep down this rabbit hole of thought that I realized what I was doing and why

 

It's almost always about something else and grief is a handy learned response.

        yes this totally

[Carey]

"Every single aspect of their lives has been destroyed in the blink of an eye, and they don?t even recognize the greater landscape anymore."

 

Sadly , this is me. I can't explain it to my family who seem so alienated to me now. My sister had a new grandchild born this week. Any other time I would have been right there, taking pictures, being the greatest great-aunt you ever saw. Now? No one called me until last minute and when they did, I found I couldn't/didn't want to go.  It's not just me, it's them.  They rarely call anymore but when they do, I tend to look for a way out. I've latched on to one friend as my lifeline and I don't want anyone else.  It's like Ive shrunk my world on purpose then complain because no one is around.  And I wonder did I cause that, or did I react TO it? Which came first the chicken or the egg?

[anniegirl]

It's like Ive shrunk my world on purpose then complain because no one is around.

 

That was me for a while and it took me a long time realize that I'd done it on purpose.

 

But, in most cases, those who I boxed out or avoided were people who couldn't accept that my life had changed and that it had changed me too. The wanted me to fit the same role in their lives that I always had, and in a lot of cases that meant being the person they could lean on, complain to and come to for solutions to their problems. I just didn't have the energy.

 

I had a small child who got first dibs.

 

I was a junior high school teacher and I had no choice but to be the same person I had always been for my students but outside of the classroom, I retreated, hoarded my reserves and was pretty damn picky about where I spent myself in terms of others.

 

It was a long time - years - before I bothered to repair relationships. Mostly I could because most people really do understand, but there were a few relationships where there was no going back. And though it's sad, I am better off without these people because I was never all that important to them in the first place.

 

But when you are still in this particular trench, it is a vicious sort of cycle. Once you realize what's happening the onus is suddenly back on you to feed the cycle or stop it.

 

I still avoid my family sometimes (because the are a dramatic bunch) and I ignore social stuff when I know that I really won't be into it and the effort would be more than anyone would get out of it.

 

I think personalities play into this too. I am very introverted by nature. Any extrovert people may see is a learned thing and it costs me in energy. I fall on the side of guarding myself and hoarding energy and building safe quiet spots and cultivating similar relationships because this is what I need to stay healthy. There is nothing wrong with this. I don't beat myself up for being who I am and needing what I need. I don't think anyone should. We are far to hard on ourselves. Needlessly so. Not wanting to be social isn't a crime. Needing space isn't either. What other people think about us isn't our business (as my wise old mother reminded me constantly as I was growing up.)

 

The farther away you are from your late spouse's death, the more easy it becomes to examine life in general and yours in particular. Even if there is nothing yet you can do to change things, knowing what you want to change is still good because thinking and planning now will mean you will be ready to move on it when opportunities begin to arise.