Everything Happens for a Reason........

[Mizpah]

Serpico: Believing in something - ok.  But saying something so obviously, clearly, capable of real hurt and insult like this (I mean, really, "Everything happens for a reason," really means, "Your husband died for a reason") is stupid.  I don't care what someone else believes - I don't believe my beautiful, healthy, life-loving 28-year-old husband was hit by a car while he was standing on the sidewalk for any reason at all.  Anyone saying it to me is merely upsetting me.  Maybe believing it isn't stupid, it's subjective, ok.  (I don't believe it and don't know how anyone can).  But saying it to someone who is hurting.  That's stupid.  Know your audience.  Have some compassion.  If it's not stupid to say it, then it's malicious, so I prefer to think it's stupid. 

[serpico]

Serpico: Believing in something - ok.  But saying something so obviously, clearly, capable of real hurt and insult like this (I mean, really, "Everything happens for a reason," really means, "Your husband died for a reason") is stupid.

 

I agree with you - saying it to a widow isn't something I'd advocate.  It's calling the people that hold these beliefs stupid is where I took issue.

 

But obviously my energy stuff struck a chord with you in previous posts. lol. I rarely remember anything most people discuss in posts. I am flattered.  8)

 

Wishing you a peaceful day

 

I'm happy I could flatter you and also wish you well.  The energy stuff didn't really strike a chord but stuck in my mind because I'd never really heard of that sort of thing before.  Also, not in a mood, really, just not crazy about you calling people/beliefs stupid...especially considering I've gotten crushed on ywbb for saying far less.  But I understand the leanings of most on this board and ywbb and should be used to it by now.  I'll try to adjust

[hachi]

"If there is such a thing as divine justice or karmic retribution, the world we live in is not the place to find it."

 

I like this quote from an article in the New York Post Sunday Review.

 

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/19/opinion/sunday/does-everything-happen-for-a-reason.html?_r=0

 

An interesting topic, not one I would want to debate with anyone suffering a tremendous loss unless it was that person staring the conversation.

[Guest Questions]

I hate this saying too. After DH died a lot of people surprised me with their obvious attempts to convince themselves why death happened to my husband & could not possibly happen to them.

 

For a long time I believed it myself. I thought God was punishing me. Perhaps I'd taken too much for granted & He decided it was time I learned how fragile & special life really was by taking away everything & leaving me to wallow in the emptiness. That'd open my eyes for sure!

The people I'd counted on for support were treating me badly too. So it must be that I deserved this pain. It certainly seemed like everyone believed I deserved to suffer.

 

I began to feel tremendous survivor's guilt.

Afterall, DH made a difference in this world. He was the most altruistic person I ever met. Donating money to charities, taking in sick stray animals & paying to make them well & find homes for them,

washing dishes in a soup kitchen every weekend, following homeless people around the neighborhood & stuffing money into their pockets, writing senators & fighting against inequality. He was a very caring, nurturing kind of guy.

Whereas I've done very little of that. In essence I was just here breathing everyone's else's air. Why should I be allowed to live?

 

Unless..unless there is something better waiting beyond this life.. Something you earn your way to.

Maybe he's in heaven now & is happier I'd sometimes think. He certainly deserves it.

But what if there isn't really anything after this? How do I reconcile that? The fact that he worked hard all his life towards a comfortable retirement, only to get cancer & have his life ripped away just as he was about to realize that dream. That doesn't make any sense to me at all.

 

I got so depressed one night questioning it all that I called the Suicide Support Helpline & spilled my guts to the stranger on the other end. She was very comforting & listened but then she said:

"Everything happens for a reason."

I said, Oh? What's the reason?.. because I'd really like to know.

She said: We don't know. We can't know!..

I said: Then how do you know there is one??

She didn't have an answer to that & that served as my answer.. Noone really knows.

 

Now when people say it to me I roll my eyes & can't help thinking: Do you think you have some answers I don't have? What's so special about you that God or the universe chooses to talk to you directly & not to me? How do you know there's a plan for each of us? I think you have faith & strong conviction in your beliefs & that's very commendable but that doesn't make them real for me.

I know some people who think they're destined to be the next president but who are they fooling besides themselves really?

 

People like to think they're in control of their fate. It's comforting to think: Oh, if I do everything just right nothing bad will ever happen to me. Bad things happen to other people because of the mistakes they've made but I'm above that..

Or: Death's not so bad & is not the end. It can be a good thing, a reward of sorts. "He's in a better place."

Believe me, I've had all of those thoughts myself but the difference is that for me it never went beyond questioning. I simply haven't seen any proof to cement it in my mind as fact.

 

If I know anything now, it's that wanting something badly enough to believe it beyond a doubt

is no guarantee of having it. DH wanted to live. He fought with everything he had & it wasn't enough. The cancer took him anyway.

There have been days since his passing all I wanted was for my life to end & I thought: I'll just give up on living & then it'll be over soon because I've made my decision to let go... except it isn't.

I'm still here.  What's the reason?

Beats me!

 

DH used to say: "Life is full of compromises you don't want to make."

It surely is.. All we can do is make the best of the hand we're dealt.

[Jen]

Thank you for this-- you've summed up what I've tried to say, over and over, without success. I admire others' ability to believe in a reason, a plan... I just can't.