Mixed emotions leaving me feeling guilty

[Corriebean28]

Hi, I’m new here. My late husband died less than two months ago after a horrific year long battle with cancer. We had many challenges in our 12 year marriage and I was actually on the brink of filing for divorce prior to his diagnosis. I thought the illness would be easy for him to overcome and then give us a new lease on life, even save our marriage... but it didn't work out that way. There are a lot of unresolved Issues. At the end I told him I forgave him and he told me he forgave me, but that’s as much resolution as we had. I’m having a hard time knowing how exactly I should feel. I go back and forth between remembering all the good times and being sad, but then I’ll think about all the things that broke my heart and sometimes I’m still just angry at him. I feel like I’m a bad person for not being sadder. I generally feel “okay.” Am I already moving on? Or am I just in shock still? Has anyone else experienced these kinds of emotions? 

[Portside]

9 hours ago, Corriebean28 said:

I generally feel “okay.” Am I already moving on? Or am I just in shock still? Has anyone else experienced these kinds of emotions? 

 

So sorry to hear of your situation. I think for most folks, emotions are all over the place for awhile. 

 

Each of us recovers at our own pace: some do fairly quickly, some do within a year or two, some longer, and some never do.

 

I started moving back towards 'normal' rather quickly. So, you may be also - oh, there'll be ups and downs along the way, but if you feel pretty good much of the time, that's just fine. 

 

If I were to offer any advice, I'd say to push yourself to do whatever it is that you'd like to do. Be bold, strike out in new directions and seek out those things that please you. It isn't always easy, but it certainly can be done. 

 

Good luck! 

 

Mike

[Corriebean28]

Thanks, Mike!

[MikeR]

Corriebean,

 

It's been 14+ years since my wife died. I am in a good place, but it took me longer than I thought to get here.

 

Although there is no set time to resolve  grief - it's different for each of us - it's still early on for you. I think two months is not much time to resolve all the different emotions you describe. In any event, it's not really important what you call where you are. As things progress a new life will emerge for you. The new life is what's important, not whether you have "moved on" (some widdas take offense to the term - they feel it represents forgetting their loved one).

 

Some thoughts about what you wrote:

 

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 I’m having a hard time knowing how exactly I should feel.

 

There is no way you "should" feel so don't let anyone tell you differently. You will feel what you will feel. How you deal with those feelings is what counts. However, it sounds to me like you still have unresolved emotions over your loss. I found it helpful to keep looking for WHY I was feeling a particular emotion. Once I understood why, the difficult part of that emotion became less painful.

 

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I told him I forgave him and he told me he forgave me, but that’s as much resolution as we had.

 

That's a LOT! I'm not sure what more you could ask for!

 

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I feel like I’m a bad person for not being sadder.

 

See my comment under the first quote

 

 

 

Let the process happen. Take things at your own pace. Don't put any pressure on yourself to feel a particular way or to feel differently.

 

Mike R