sadiversary and new guy

[klim]

Today is the second anniversary of DH's death. I have been seeing a guy for quite a while now.. It is Saturday and we usually go out Saturday night. He knows the date. He says it's up to me what I want to do.

The thing is I am not doing any honouring of dh today...not my style . if anything I'd rather choose his birthday to celebrate him.

I'm conflicted though I somehow feel I should go slow today but not sure I want to sit  at home  I know New guy will honour my mood. I just can't figure out what my mood is.

 

Any stories about you handled new mate and sadiversaries or other special dates from the past.

[anniegirl]

I was never big on commemorating anniversaries of death. I always preferred to let them come and go. As you point out, there are other (imo better) dates like birthdays to designate for remembering.

 

I never really spent any of the anniversaries of LH's death alone. Even though we weren't technically dating, my second husband was a part of my life and his presence and the future always loomed much larger than my past.

 

If what is holding you back is the feeling that you SHOULD be doing something, I would say - let that go. There are no rules. There is what other people do because it works for them and what you do for you because that works for you.

 

If you want to stick to your routine, do it. It might not be as jovial an outing as usual but it's your now, your routine and it makes you happy.

 

My husband did the commemorating death anniversaries for his LW for the first two years. He did it out of a sense of obligation and because my step-daughters wanted him too. On the third anniversary, I pointed out that he was doing no one any favors by "sucking it up" every year and doing something he didn't see a point to simply out of obligation to custom. He didn't have to grieve the way his daughters did. The relationship they had was different than the one he had with LW. There was no reason for his expression to be anything other than his. And that was the end of his observance and my step-daughters now (nearly nine years on) have their own private daughter/mom rituals and really, everyone is good.

 

Do what you feel is going to best suit you. Grieving is for the survivors not the deceased, who even if they had an opinion shouldn't get a vote.

 

Whatever you decide, you should be the primary consideration. jmo

[mokie]

Maybe... Go on out with your regular plans.  Order a special drink, and say a silent toast, or if you feel comfortable, share a toast with new guy, to honor your husband's life, and you and new guy finding each other. 

 

I don't do anything special anymore either, but I do take a few seconds on those special days (birthday, anniversary, death date, etc) to just say a silent "You are remembered, you were loved, you made a difference in my life."

[Guest tableforone]

I just posted something about this in the new section on remarried/long term relationships. I also have never been one to do anything 'special' to honor the day he died. I think this past year I was at dinner with my new husband and mentioned what the day was. He said he knew because he had googled it. I thought that was sweet. We dropped it at that.

 

Appreciate that you have someone who is kind and understanding. Do what you feel like doing. I find that I always remember but prefer to just carry on. Our wedding anniversary? Well, that is more of a problem. Good luck to you.

[Guest look2thesky]

I would always just visit Her grave, say a little prayer, and light candles on the stone.

What You do should make You feel ok ..

I never really involved any other romantic interests.

It was my moments with my Wife's memory, and I held / hold it sacred .

[klim]

Thanks for all the input.

 

I did end up doing what works for me. A quiet moment with his ashes this afternoon, short and sweet and then back to routine.

 

Had new guy over for dinner. He brought everything including a small bouquet of flowers. Nothing was said  but he was extra sweet tonight.( although he's always sweet) Anyways made it through the day without any real anxiety.

 

onwards and forwards.

[Guest Mel4072]

Year 2 rolled around March 24 this year. Part of me felt guilty for not doing something extravagant. I really didn't do anything. I have a career, a teenaged daughter, I'm taking classes to further my career and I have a home to care for. I took flowers to the cemetery a couple of weeks beforehand.

March 21: my son got married. March 24: my cat died and I worked 12 hours that day. New dude knew my life experiences and was awesome for me. There is no doubt in my mind that he is completely in love with me. He is so supportive. That commands more of my attention than a death anniversary. I feel very blessed to have him in my life. The part of my life that he occupies.

Don't worry about your mood. You are entitled to feel what you feel at any given moment.

[thejourney]

Wow! 

it is so good for me to see your replies.  The whole 'should be doing something' has been an albatross on me in so many ways.  Even reading this board and YWBB, it always seemed like I was the odd one out by not making the 'special' days a bid deal.  It is comforting to know that I am maybe more 'normal' than I thought.  I don't want to look backwards.  Never did.  Bad things happen, and sometimes many bad things happen.  All I can control is going forward!  But that guilt thing and the whole concept of what I am supposed to be doing sure do get in the way of being happy sometimes.