Life gets in the way

[Mizpah]

So yesterday was his yahrtzeit (the anniversary of his death according to the Jewish calendar).  Four years.  I wanted to spend the day reflecting on death and time and him, but the baby had been sick the night before and now I was (daycare - stomach virus - yuck).  There were difficulties in my difficult relationship with emotionally challenged widower baby daddy, and then once things were more peaceful, turns out he's sick too.  A deadline at work and no mental capacity from being sick, etc.  Left work early to sleep off the daycare virus nausea, to wake to the rush of evening - feed the baby, bathe the baby, read to the baby, nurse the baby, quick conversations about health status and plans for tomorrow and the weekend. 

 

Strangely, the only moment I could really devote was a quick text to babydaddy: "He used to call me mish-mish (it means apricot in Hebrew).  I swear I've heard him saying it in my head all day so far.  In my head - I'm not so crazy as to think I actually hear him talking.  I'm losing my f'ing mind.  Gonna stop and grab a lobotomy on my way home."  And his response (he never ever responds to my texts): "Babe, if you even think you hear him talking, like hearing his voice or feeling him around you, consider yourself lucky and call it an amazing day."  A sweet surprise. 

 

A snippet of my life, contradictions and all.  In my old life, pre-new-relationship and pre-baby, I'd have been sitting on a bench on the river in NYC staring at the water thinking or writing.  I have little to no attention to give now.  I miss it, my freedom and solitude.  I'm grateful for what I have, but I wish I could pause time for a day and just really devote my attention to him, what he was, what we lost, what we had.  But he loved life, so I suppose I pay tribute to him in the most honest way by living mine, in all its mundane details. 

[IfIonlycould]

I have nothing to offer but support from miles away....

 

I was pleased to read WBD's response to your text.

 

(((((HUGS))))

[ATJ]

(((Mizpah)))

 

Anniversaries are difficult, and even in the midst of hectic lives, they persistently and loudly knock at the door of our heart, wanting to be heard. And our heart eagerly responds and wants to give them the full attention that they deserve. But, alas ...

 

"We don't live as we wish, but as we can."

~~ Terence, Roman Poet

 

BUT, no matter how much life insists upon intruding and tries to interfere, it cannot take away from what we feel inside for the ones we loved and still do. They live on in our heart and soul.

 

"To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die."

~~ Thomas Campbell

 

"He used to call me mish-mish (it means apricot in Hebrew).  I swear I've heard him saying it in my head all day so far. 

 

"Memories are the treasures that we keep locked

deep within the storehouse of our souls,

to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely."

 

~~  Becky Aligada

 

 

I do want to believe that He was near his sweet "apricot" and smiled, seeing how she courageously continues living her life with integrity and seeking joy again!

 

 

 

 

May you blossom like the beautiful Apricot Tree!

 

Peace and Love to you!

 

ATJ

 

 

[ieh21]

Very nice that despite whatever difficulties you face, with life as new parents and with coupledom, he understood your basic need for recognition of that small moment in your head.

[hachi]

  But he loved life, so I suppose I pay tribute to him in the most honest way by living mine, in all its mundane details.

 

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