Did you Re-appear?

[Neverthesame]

As seems to be the case with a lot of widows/ers most of my friends kind of disappeared for about 10 years (4.5 years of cancer and 6 years of being widowed). However, when I began dating someone seriously people seemed to come out of the woodwork. As soon as we started dating My GF and I began to get invitations to dinner and group gatherings. People at church and in my small community would go out of their way to come and talk to us instead of going out of their way to avoid me. Even my best friend, who I rarely heard from for 6 years, started texting me about once a week just to say, ?How?s it going?.

 

It really stood out to me because it was like flipping a light switch. It was like I was invisible for all those years and then all of the sudden I reappeared. I understand that a lot of people didn't know what to say or do so they tended to keep their distance. Still, I kind of resented it at first; I mean, where were all of these people when I really needed them? At the same time though, I enjoyed it because it was nice to feel like I was a part of the real world again.

 

I guess I?m just curious to know if this is the norm among widowed folks. Have those of you who have started a new relationship noticed such a night and day difference?

 

Bill

 

[anniegirl]

Yes, people dropped out of my life during the caregiving and widowhood. Even with those I made an effort to stay connected to seemed lukewarm and sometimes it felt like they were doing me a favor even.

 

I met my second husband about the end of the first year and married within six months and it seemed like people couldn't reconnect fast enough once they found out.

 

I think this is more common than not. I am ambivalent about it because I understand how death and grief makes people uncomfortable and everyone has a different threshold for being able to deal with it. My best friend and her husband were wonderful the entire time but another dear friend, who is almost like a sister to me and her family is like family, she really had a hard time being around me and once she got to know my second husband, she did a 180 and everything was "the same again".

 

Except it's not really the same because you never forget how people shunned you as though you were walking dead. It's difficult to forgive and I don't know that we truly forget.

[ATJ]

 

anniegirl said:

Except it's not really the same because you never forget how people shunned you as though you were walking dead. It's difficult to forgive and I don't know that we truly forget.

 

A resounding YES!!

 

 

"If you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!"

 

~~ Marilyn Monroe

 

AMEN!!

 

 

ATJ - Still trying to comprehend the meaning of "friend" post widowhood!

 

 

 

[Guest tableforone]

Yes. People seemed so relieved. I have yet to jump back into doing "couple things". My husband and I tend to do more things with my motely crew of single friends. He has just been absorbed into the group.

[IfIonlycould]

Neverthesame-Some members of my immediate family did this....once I recoupled it was as though in their books I was "normal" again,  made me feel like they didn't really love my husband...they seemed comfortable to insert "Boy B" into "Slot A" and keep it rolling as though nothing had ever happened.  Sad.  I think it makes them feel like I must be all better now which allows them to move along in their lives without the messiness of my widowhood. I have learned their limitations and act accordingly,  makes my life easier, I have learned who I can be real around.

[Captains wife]

Unfortunately, yes. I felt alot of people disappeared from my life after I lost my husband - I know some of this was due to the busy-ness of our lives generally but I also know for a fact it was because couples didnt want to hang out with non couples + certain people couldnt deal with the sadness of my "tragic" story. I am dating someone now and I did notice that couple related invites started to re-appear over the past year. But, honestly, I see my new bf so little, I dont want to hang out with these people in our time together (and neither does he really) so I dont accept most invitations. But its "funny" how that works. People in general just seem relieved when I tell them I am dating someone...(and I never go into how hard it is sometimes either lol).

[Sugarbell]

Yes. The couple and shallow friends suddenly reappeared during the 6 months I was married (2011).

But that's when it hit me that outside of being "coupled" and having kids close in age we had nothing in common.

 

My new set of friends I have reconnected with are all divorced or never married. Our friendship is based on commonalities, interests, etc..Not who we are dating. Actually all of us are dating someone now...but we leave men and kids out of our friendship (some have no children some have as many as 4)

 

I am still polite when I see my old couple friends...and it's forced interaction because of kids activities. But honestly I find them quite boring. They just gossip about local people and really have nothing interesting to say (besides adult gossip and gossiping about others kids)... I tend to smile and now stay away...Don't want any part of that negativity.

 

Plus I don't think they are too bright. Or maybe book smart...but certainly not world smart.

 

Yeah...that experience has been one of many aspects of this grabs social experiment called widowhood.

[Neverthesame]

Thank you all for the responses. Sadly I see that I'm not alone in yet another aspect of widowhood. Like most of you, I'm happy with my new life and really have no time or desire to renew old friendships. Like Sugarbell, I'm polite when I'm around them but that's about as far as I'm willing to go.

 

Bill

[Guest TooSoon]

This is timely.  I've only recently, though I am not remarried, come to (what for me was) the important realization that I do not want that life back.  I've built something else, something new, something true to the "me" I have become through this whole journey, possibly even really gotten back to the core of who I always was "before," as hard as it is sometimes to admit that.  The person I was at 30 when we entered into marriage and then parenthood and suburbia made sense then, but I am no longer that person and they no longer make sense.  I have no ill will toward anyone; that life simply doesn't fit any longer.  My husband would have wanted us to grow and change and adapt and find newness and a different sort of happiness - and we have.  As I said to a colleague just this afternoon, I kept the parts that still matter to me and I let the rest go.  No guilt, no (ok, maybe one or two in my darkest moments of grief but still) regrets.