Grief Changing Form at 9 Months

[Justin]

The last week has been tough, another cycle of grief after actually feeling pretty good for a while. I noticed that I was about two days into this spiral before recognizing it as grief, and this has also happened the last couple of times that I have been hit. I say "hit", but I have noticed that the grief for me now is less like a wave, and more like a rising tide that lifts me off of my feet  - coming in so gradually that I don't notice until it is chest high. Anyone can have a bad day or two, not even related to grieving, right?

 

I am guilty of becoming complacent; not that I arrogantly thought the usual 9-10 month crash would not affect me, it was more like I was when you start recovering from a cold and forget to take your antibiotics. I had started feeling better and have been neglecting to sit in my grief and process it. When it did come around, I subconsciously pushed it away. If I can't see the rough patches coming on, I'm going to need to do a much better job of being pro-active rather than reactive. I made the mistake early on of pushing myself too hard, then pulled back too far. I have probably never gotten back to the proper amount of facing the grief head-on and am working on that.

 

I also have to say I wasn't really able to come to this conclusion myself. Long talks with another wid friend helped me sort this out - perspective over my own situation seems in short supply.

 

Have any of you experienced this same change in the way your grief affects you when it really comes on around this stage in your timeline?

[robunknown]

7 Months here.

 

I found there are a few kinds of grief I hit:

1) [Ongoing] The one that hits quick and goes away quick. Like a memory that hits and maybe a tear shed, but in minutes I am past it.

2) [0-7mo.] One that feels like literally there is a 200lb weight getting lowered onto my shoulders. I have to stop what I am doing and do something 100% different to ward this off, else I start to spiral

3) [6mo. -7mo] I start to obsess (positively), slowly at first, about a time period with DW. Then it starts to consume me and I daydream and fantasize about the time period non-stop, which usually pile drives me into the sea of grief. Yeah the last time it hit I was about 6 days in before I realized I was in bad shape and circling the drain and I needed to pull myself out.

 

I try to look for the signs now that I am wallowing in my grief for too long. I'm not sure how to balance number 3 yet. Remember the "good ol days" without kicking myself in the ass to hard.

 

[WifeLess]

Justin,

 

My 8 to 9 month point also occurred around this time of year. It was the springtime when everything returns to life here in the northeast, although I couldn't help but notice back then that this excluded my deceased wife, and therefore myself. Even the position of the sun in the sky, as well as the length of the shadows and of the day itself, began to resemble what they had been when my wife died 8 months earlier. The return of spring that year was a melancholy time for me.

 

Perhaps some of these same factors are affecting you as well. If so, I hope your recent resurgence of grief is only a temporary one and passes quickly.

 

--- WifeLess

 

[Amor]

I am at 261 days without my Love.  I was just starting to get better and able to focus again when yesterday I went full force back to grieving.  All out not able to hold back.  This wave was the first of the storm.  Cried until I slept then woke up crying again.  I need my Love here with me.  The hurt is consuming me. 

[Justin]

Thank you all. I really appreciate your well wishes and views.

 

Rob: I also have that ongoing pain that hits really quickly. As someone else wrote, it's almost like the sharp pain from an old injury that makes you wince and then goes away.

 

WifeLess: Thank you for your perspective, and you are absolutely right. This cycle started late last week, and hit me really hard on Saturday. I was doing yard work, and realized that she would never again come outside to check on me (making sure that I was overdoing it), or bring me something cool to drink. (DD means well, but cannot fill that void - nor should she.) My wife enjoyed spring so much, the blooming flowers and trees here in Kentucky have brought back many thoughts of her. On a positive note, I really started pulling out of the mire yesterday and actually had a really good day and today is pretty good, too.

 

Amor: ((hugs)) to you. Hold on, you are strong and know you can ride this out to some peace again.

 

 

 

All, I should also mention that I have learned that I must absolutely stay away from alcohol when I am sad. I had a bad night last Saturday and drank too much. This has happened a few times since the death of my wife, and I never intentionally set out to become intoxicated but I still end up there. It temporarily causes me to forget but makes things so much worse by causing me to feel depressed the next day and making the grief worse. Not to mention making me act like a jerk to people I care about.

[Wheelerswife]

Justin, I had a particularly tough time near 9 months out from losing John.  My anxiety was really kicking my butt and I didn't always realize it, even though some wise widow friends could see it clearly.  It wasn't as obvious as panic and anxiety attacks, but more of a struggle to process information, feeling overloaded, and being unable process charged information logically.  I'm doing better with that...my dog helps tremendously...and I am functioning better on many levels.  I still have grief triggers and I think I know well enough to let myself experience them for what they are.  I'm able to function at somewhat higher levels, though my focus is a challenge and I have to force myself to do schoolwork.  Fortunately, I have deadlines, and they help a lot.  Next week will be tough because of events are occurring that have been named for John.  I know, though, that whatever the intensity of my grief, I've made it through every bit of it before and I know I will survive it again.  I wish it wasn't this way...but I have no control over it, really.

 

Hang in there!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Amor]

Thanks for the hugs.  I am wishing with all of my heart for my Love to come back!  Knowing now that is not possible crumbles the heart. 

I hope all of us get the peace we need and the comfort at the right time.