So many mixed emotions

[lcoxwell]

I am going to apologize in advance, because this is likely going to be long and rambling. In the last couple of weeks, I have been bombarded with so many mixed emotions about life, about loss, and about my future, that it is nearly crippling me and keeping me from functioning, due to being so lost in my own thoughts. I am hoping that, by sharing my thoughts, I will find others that have felt this way; and if not, that sharing it will at least help me sort some of this out.

 

Several months ago, New Guy, who lives just over two hours away, asked me to move closer to him, so we could spend more time together. After giving it great thought, I know that this is the right thing to do, for me. Continuing to live in the house I shared with Kenneth and to stay in this little town (that I only moved to 14 years ago, so I could be with Kenneth) is holding me back, in some ways, and keeping me from moving from active grieving to beyond active grieving. As long as I stay here, I think I shall stay mired in my grief, if that makes sense. On the other hand, though, as excited as I am to be making a move and to be doing something that will ultimately make my life better, I think, the whole idea of moving, of going through Kenneth's things, of searching for a new job, and of packing/unpacking and settling in to a new place overwhelms me beyond words.

 

As the move gets closer, I am feeling much more morose and maudlin, than I expected. The grief waves are hitting faster and harder than they have, in a while. I am so filled with sadness, because I feel like moving on means leaving my Kenneth behind. I hate the idea of walking away from the life I had with him, but the reality is, I will never have that life again, and it truly hurts that that realization is sinking in with such clarity. I love him, will always love him, but I can never, ever be with him again, not even for one moment.

 

Also, as the move gets closer, I am finding the need to visit his grave more often, knowing that I won't just be able to swing by whenever I want, once I make the move. Yesterday, as I was sitting by his grave, the thought occurred to me that my relationship with New Guy is truly everything Kenneth wanted me to find in a relationship, and that thought brought a smile, which was quickly followed by feelings of sadness and regret. I also found it very odd that I should be sitting there by the grave of my deceased husband, thinking about my new love, but there I was, doing just that.

 

There is more love, more passion, more openness and joy, more compatibility, and more peace with New Guy, than I have found in any relationship I have ever had with anyone, including Kenneth. Everything about my relationship with New Guy is simple and easy and natural. He and I just "fit". With New Guy, I truly feel a sense of belonging, as though, after years of wandering in the desert, I have found an oasis. With New Guy, I feel like I have finally found the one person in the world that God molded and made, just for me.

 

Much of what makes my new relationship so wonderful, are the lessons I learned from my marriage to Kenneth, especially learning that life is far too short to live with regrets and thoughts of "I wish I had done this, or said that". Because of my life with Kenneth, and my loss, I have learned to truly appreciate and enjoy every good moment. Kenneth's death taught me to live life to the fullest and to embrace love, with no holding back, so I am far more open with my love, affection, and appreciation for New Guy, than I ever was with Kenneth, or anyone else, for that matter. In many ways, Kenneth's death has made me a better partner, and I am truly grateful to have someone I can love so deeply and cherish as much as I do New Guy.

 

Sitting by Kenneth's grave though, as the feelings of sadness and regret rolled in, I found myself apologizing to Kenneth and thinking that he should have had the parts of me that New Guy is enjoying, too. Kenneth deserved to be loved with such abandon. I couldn't help but think, as the tears rolled down my face, that I should have loved him more, should have kissed him more, should have held his hand and laughed and forgiven and appreciated him so much more than I did.

 

So now, I am filled with love, excitement, appreciation, joy, sadness, regret, hope, and despair, all rolled into one.

 

For those of you, who are in serious relationships, have you felt this kind of mixed bag of emotions, too? If so, how did you deal with it?

[Guest TooSoon]

Let me say first that I might be off the mark here so if I am please disregard; my intention is to be supportive.  I was with my husband for just under 10 years.  2 of those we were dealing with cancer.  One of the things that has helped me enormously in the process of coping is to recognize that who I was and what I wanted then (at 30) are not the same as the person I have become through it all - motherhood, cancer, death - at 40.  Our love only made me stronger, only made me realize how elastic the heart is to go to the places I went with Scott through brain cancer (and by god it was ugly) and then to be able to return to find a new me, a new perspective on life, eventually to love again.  Ask yourself what you would have wanted for him had the tables been turned.  He would want you to be happy.  And it is normal to feel all of the things you are feeling, I think.  With that said, I'm a year further along than you are.  Remember always to take care of you and what will make you happy and fulfilled - first.  xoxoxox

[Trying]

First of all, big hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.  You are about to make so many major changes that are both symbolic and literal acts of leaving your old life behind.  Of course you will always carry Kenneth with you wherever you are but the things you can see and touch and smell that remind you of your life together will be packed up or left behind.  How could this not cause a grief wave? You are doing what is best for you and moving towards your future but it isn't easy.

 

I can relate to your feelings that you are giving your New Guy a more evolved version of yourself.  I want to love better and more openly this time around.  I don't want to take one minute for granted or ever cause my New Guy to feel like I don't appreciate him or cherish him.  Tim did not get the best version of me but I learned so much from my relationship with him and from losing him and I think he would expect me to use all I have learned in my current relationship. 

 

Just last night I broke down in a wave of confusion, missing Tim and our old life at the same time as I was frustrated that I can't be with my new guy the way I want to be.  Longing for 2 different men in 2 different ways at the same time. It's not something I can really put into words because I can't wrap my own head around it. 

 

You know this move is going to be difficult but you have already survived so much that I am confident you will get through this.  I think we both will be able to make peace with our past and our present eventually, with a little faith and a lot of time.

[MissinGrizz]

Sitting by Kenneth's grave though, as the feelings of sadness and regret rolled in, I found myself apologizing to Kenneth and thinking that he should have had the parts of me that New Guy is enjoying, too. Kenneth deserved to be loved with such abandon. I couldn't help but think, as the tears rolled down my face, that I should have loved him more, should have kissed him more, should have held his hand and laughed and forgiven and appreciated him so much more than I did.

 

 

YES. I totally feel I'm a better wife to husband number two, but I was with my late husband from ages 19 to 40. This is different than who I am now.