Mizpah Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 And not because of DH not being able to be alive. What I mean is, do any of you who have recoupled or had children post-death felt guilty toward some of your widow/widower friends? Yesterday was Mother's Day, obviously. It was a terrible day for many of my widow friends, many of whom are about my age (mid- to late 30s) and who have spent recent childbearing years mourning, and who had wanted to be mothers and now feel/fear/know that they will not. I had a great day (took my 11-month-old daughter hiking up her 2nd mountain with her father and had a great dinner together later without the baby). I wanted to go on and on about what a great day it was (partly because it's been rough for a long time and things have been going really well). But I didn't. I felt terribly guilt about the women with whom I've become very close over the past four years. Widowhood is isolating, taking care of a baby is isolating, and having a baby as a widow is isolating. (I do realize I'm complaining because I'm so lucky and happy and can't share it, which is really quite a spoiled complaint, but still... it is what it is.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddalena Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 i do understand, and was overjoyed when both of my close-by young widow friends found man-friends... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momtojandj Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 I get it, found a really great guy and dating since August . Realize some wid friends, haven't been as lucky . I also have a few friends never married or kids , I try to tread lightly with my good news as of late. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest fleur Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 There are so many opportunities to feel badly about so many things. Life with kids is hard, life without them is also hard. If you have a chance to be happy, embrace it for all you can. You didn?t just hop on the easy train, you are paying the fare every, single, day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted May 11, 2015 Share Posted May 11, 2015 Yes. Same. I had an awesome Mothers Day yesterday. New guy came to my house, cooked dinner, with dessert and included my kids. I wanted to shout it from the mountain tops but I did feel guilty. No FB post, no mention here. I try to be mindful as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jess Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I think this thread shows why having this particular space set aside is important because people that have found new relationships and happiness CAN shout it from the rooftops. So, share and shout away and leave the guilt at the door here. And also, thank you for being the type of people that are sensitive to others' journeys. It is a hard line to walk sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcoxwell Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have struggled with feelings of guilt, too. I met my New Guy VERY early on. He and I started seeing each other just a few short months after Kenneth died, and my relationship with New Guy has been far better than I ever could have imagined or expected. Quite honestly, due to the medications, build up of toxins on the brain, and all the medical needs, the last several years of Kenneth's life was really hard on me, physically and emotionally. Kenneth's needs were so great, that there was never anything left for me. I didn't have the energy for self care, and he didn't have the ability to think about my needs or wants. Everything had to be about him. To have a man in my life now, who is everything I ever could have asked for, and who loves me so completely, is like spending years wandering in a desert, and finding an oasis that offers shade and rest and water. New Guy brings me happiness; but sometimes, I feel guilty to have found happiness, when others along my timeline are struggling with grief and are not anywhere close to dating or finding a new relationship to enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 but sometimes, I feel guilty to have found happiness, when others along my timeline are struggling with grief I resent it. I don't resent my fellow widows - the opposite, not at all - I feel the hugest compassion and sadness for them. But I resent death so much. It's the ultimate "gift that keeps on giving," because even when you ARE happy, it's not pure (and I'm NOT saying I don't struggle with grief too or that I don't miss DH, just saying that my current life is (often/at times) a good one). It's not just like, "Yay!" It's like, "Yay! BUT: my poor dead DH AND my poor widow friends." Death. It tries to take everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I feel guilty to have found happiness, when others along my timeline are struggling with grief and are not anywhere close to dating or finding a new relationship to enjoy. I have found that the two aren't mutually exclusive, at least for me. I too started dating very early out (I met New Guy at three months out), and I think that while it did help early on with the most intense feelings of loneliness, it maybe complicated some other aspects of the whole process. I think for me, there aren't such things as simple or straightforward emotions anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I have come to see love as the great equalizer. No matter how much money or good DNA or whatever other goodies you get in life, love levels us all. Once we love and lose, as MrsTim says, there is no such thing as a straightforward emotion. Every happiness is shot through with poignancy for me. Mizpah, you have indeed paid your dues and any measure of happiness is something I wish for you wholeheartedly. But I definitely grapple with feelings I don't know how to share. I remember feeling, on Valentine's Day (a bs holiday, but bear with me), "wow, I haven't spent valentine's day alone in over 20 years." I had a boyfriend by the time it rolled around after being widowed, and another boyfriend this year. I did not share that thought with anyone because it felt like something out of Mean Girls, but I felt grateful for it. A small example, but I tend to self-censor things as a widow and appreciate the people I don't have to censor myself with. Sending support all around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted May 12, 2015 Author Share Posted May 12, 2015 you have indeed paid your dues and any measure of happiness is something I wish for you wholeheartedly. I did not share that thought with anyone because it felt like something out of Mean Girls, but I felt grateful for it. It's these two statements exactly that completely symbolize what I said much more long-windedly: the urge to indulge in the "yay!" (bc, right?!, we've ALL paid our dues (and our DW/DH's) and then some!) combined with the need to hold it in so as not to be a hurtful gloating @$$hole. And just what MrsTim was saying about nothing being simple. Yes. I love knowing I can come here to babble about anything and it's understood even when we struggle with putting it into words. [edited: MrsTim, I definitely didn't mean to equate new relationship with "grief over." I don't feel it's the case. There are things about grief that are specific to our lost person, but there are things about grief, such as loneliness and lost general dreams (parenthood, travels not-alone), that are general and not person-specific. It's the general stuff that I feel guilt over - the chance to be a mother in this specific case at this specific time, and to share that with a living man. It still breaks my heart that Simon never got to be a father, and that I never will have our children. But I am a mother.] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted May 12, 2015 Share Posted May 12, 2015 I was an older young widow, and never had nor wanted children. One of my friends had a grown child die of a drug overdose, though, (coincidentally one month to the day before my late husband died) so there are lots of reasons for Moms to have bittersweet feelings on any holiday. Maybe when we suffer losses, we can become more mindful of what we do have? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neverthesame Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 I think this thread shows why having this particular space set aside is important because people that have found new relationships and happiness CAN shout it from the rooftops. So, share and shout away and leave the guilt at the door here. And also, thank you for being the type of people that are sensitive to others' journeys. It is a hard line to walk sometimes. I just wanted to take a minute and agree with this statement. Being in a new relationship and happy again didn't mean that my widowhood is over. I've found that it's just a new phase with it's own set of challenges to deal with. On YWBB I was very hesitant about posting for fear of making things harder on someone who was earlier in their grief. I'd like to thank those who opened this this new section so that members can post about the good (and bad) things that they are experiencing in a new relationship. Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now