Moving Forward And Embracing the Future

[lcoxwell]

With my little unexpected trip to the hospital this week, I have had some extra time on my hands, time I have used in reflection. My New Guy has been absolutely incredible and supportive through all of this, for which I am so grateful. As many of you know, I met New Guy VERY early on, after Kenneth died. Some might have said (and one close friend did insinuate) that I might have gotten involved with another man too soon. New Guy has been there for me, every step of the way, though, and I could not have asked for a more thoughtful and patient man, as he has given me the room I needed to do the hard work of grieving.

 

In my little forced reflection, I realized I was spending more time thinking about my future, than my past, and I came to the conclusion that I did do the work necessary to deal with my grief. I did not rush into a relationship to avoid dealing with the loss. To the contrary, in the last year, I have done all the "right" things - I've seen a grief counselor; leaned on my Widda community; turned to friends and family for support; read the Bible; prayed; gone to church; exercised; took time to take care of myself (okay, that I partially did); leaned into the grief, when necessary; and pulled myself up and took care of life's necessities, like work and bills, when I had to.

 

New Guy has been a significant part of my life, for about a year now. Recently, I have been making plans and taking steps toward leaving my life with Kenneth behind and toward a future with New Guy. As I have discussed my future with New Guy, and with my Mother, I have come to the conclusion that I am ready to let Kenneth go. I am ready to think of him and to honor his memory, but I no longer feel that my identity is as Kenneth's wife, or even primarily as his widow. As I was lying in the hospital bed this morning, reading momtojandj's "Simple Statement" post, "Never forget your past, embrace your future" (that quote was "powerful" for me, too, so I had to steal it), it occurred to me I am ready to embrace the future. I do not belong to Kenneth any more. I belong with New Guy.

 

This might have been asked before, but I am medicated, so please forgive me, if I am repeating this. For those of you, who have moved forward into new relationships, in terms of a relationship, how do you identify yourselves? Do you still think of yourselves as the husband or wife of your DW/DH, do you think of yourselves as widows/widowers, or do you think of yourselves more in terms of your new significant other? At what point did you stop thinking of yourselves as the other half of a couple with your DH/DW? I am very curious about this.

[Guest look2thesky]

You can honor the memory and still embrace the future at the same time

[MissinGrizz]

Somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking myself as Michael's wife. I still miss my friend and want to sit and chat with him about the kids, but I don't long for him as I used to in a romantic sense.

 

Yesterday I read a journal entry I wrote two years out at how I'd always be his wife and would never decouple.. Today, five years and four months after losing my love of 21 years, I approach my first wedding anniversary with John. Last night we refinanced our home so we can save towards retirement. Yes, I'd say I'm looking towards the future.

[Silwe]

I too have stopped to think of myself as a young widow, and have started to feel more like just a girlfriend to New Guy. A girlfriend who has some difficult shit to deal with, yes, but no longer "a widow who is with a new guy". At times I feel a bit guilty about it, and it is confusing, as I feel mostly happy nowadays. I look to the future now, too, and mostly I feel that I'm doing the right thing. Mostly.

[Bluebird]

I think of myself as DH's wife, WifeLess's wife AND a widow!

 

I guess I didn't need to stop thinking of myself as one, to think of myself as the other?

 

It does get a little confusing in conversations though :-)

 

Take care, Bluebird

[anniegirl]

I think that most of the people who know me well, find out sooner - usually later - that I was widowed, but it's not a defining thing.

 

I was widowed and that's exactly how I say it when it comes up (which is not much). It's a thing that happened to me and I lived through it. It's mostly always been a verb rather than a noun.

 

Now I am just me. DH's wife. DD's mother. SDDs stepmother. The community yoga teacher. Whatever label people have come to know me under now. Unless I am commenting here, I rarely reference LH and my past life as someone else's wife because it really has very little to actively do with my daily life.

 

And that's odd because were it not for the deaths of our late spouses, DH and I would not have the life that we do.

 

[Golorth]

I guess that I see myself as all of those things. I'm DW's husband, my in-laws' brother/son in-law, a Wid, and Sapphi's Squeeze. All of those things have made me who I am, and they can all peacefully co-exist within me.

 

-G

[Sugarbell]

I identify myself as just me. No ones wife or girlfriend.

 

It took a while to get comfortable in my own shoes again-but so worth it.

 

For me...DH is the father of my children...that's honestly how I refer him...and my late husband when needed. But after 8 years...no I no longer think of him as my husband. He is the father of my kids...that will always bond me with him.

 

(and this is just me.. Not at all saying anyone needs to do this)...I had to gain identity on my own...and process my relationship with DH before I could totally give to any relationship.

 

New guy...he's my exclusive love interest with strong potential for future melting lives together (like in 10 yrs)..

 

My brain just gets confused...so I had to handle it at my own pace.

[mmg19]

I am moving forward and this week I am content on embracing the future with choices I'm making. 

 

My house sold.  I'm going to rent for 1 year and then buy a smaller more affordable house.  The man I'm seeing commented this week that I did not need to do this alone.  He is really a good person and has qualities I admire.  BUT I do need to do this alone.  I'm happy with my life right now and need much more time to process in my mind what I have to offer to a relationship.  This is just me right now.  It hit me with his comment that I'm much more than what appears on the surface.  He deserves so much more than what I would bring to a relationship.  Actually I'm excited with the possibilities ahead of me.  Just realized that because I was happy in my marriage and loved being married did not mean I had nothing to contribute otherwise.  Not naive in my thinking that I will never have bad days, lonely nights, and exhaustive parenting trials, but it's my time to find out if I have the faith, strength, and courage to not settle.

[lcoxwell]

Thank you so much, for all of your thoughtful replies. Many of you touched on thoughts I have been having lately, and I appreciate you sharing with me.

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow this why I love being here. Great thread on moving forward.

[conflicted]

I have been widowed only 9 1/2 months.  I was with DH 8 1/2 years.  I allowed myself to fully grieve and to grieve mostly alone with the support of friends, family, and a grief counselor.  After only 6 months, I started dating New Guy - an old friend from high school (whom I've known about 20 years).  I was not looking for someone new, it just sort of happened.  New guy had reached out to me a few times to make sure I was ok and offered to meet for coffee or lunch, which I had declined on a few occasions.  Finally, after the 6 month mark, I was going insane. Having lost 50 lbs in the first 4 months with much hair loss and 1 problem away from being locked in an asylum, I needed a friend; someone to pull me out of my fog. I had no expectations, but ended up connecting with New guy. He had experienced a few tragic losses of his own, so he could relate to my level of grief.  It was as if we were meant to be brought together during that specific time.  He is always there for me, he cares for me, he is absolutely everything I could have asked for.  But I still mourn my DH every single day.  And I feel immense guilt for having moved on and for being happy with someone else.  I am still very conflicted and torn between my different emotions.  He has a daughter, whereas, I have no kids.  I feel like we have moved in a fast pace, but at the same time, it just feels right.  And for that, I feel even guiltier. :-[  I don't feel like I've been thrust into this new relationship, as it was my own choice - knowing what is in front of me.  I just still feel uncertainty at times because I'm so conflicted and confused with my emotions and grief.  It's like I want to move forward, yet I can't let go.  Lucky for me, New Guy is incredibly patient, understanding, and sympathetic with my situation.  Not once has he ever complained about the necklaces from DH that I still wear, or the picture of us on my apartment shelf, or when I still talk about DH a lot, or just him knowing that I am still in love with DH.  New Guy is always there to comfort me. It's what I needed.  The feeling of loving another is very confusing.  It's strange because some people told me to start dating at 4 or 5 months, which PISSED ME OFF.  But only a couple of months later, I ended up with New Guy.  I feel like it's too soon, but even DH's own mother gave me her blessing and said she is glad that I can find happiness in someone else, especially since I'm still somewhat young (36).  Life has shown me the hard way that it is sometimes too short, so we must not spend too much time being stuck in depression.  Yes - grieve.  But no - do not limit yourself from life or its joys.  It sucks it took a traumatic tragedy to make me realize this and to appreciate life more.  I just wish I could get to the point where I am no longer so guilt-ridden  :'(

[Pammy]

Interesting question you pose lcoxwell, something I really hadn't thought too much about until reading your post. I am different than most widows in that I felt like a widow and single from just about day one.

 

A little backstory on me: I have been widowed 10 years, 337days and some odd hours that I don't want to try and figure out, so basically 11 years. I have been married 9 years 174 days and, again, some odd hours that I can't be arsed to figure out lol. My title or label is ever evolving, but also self-limiting. I am a wife when I need to be, I am also a widow when the situation fits (such as meeting a new widow/er) I am also a daughter/sister/mother/cousin/friend/diabetic/divorcee and lately I am menopausal/bitch/quirky/eccentric and a general PIA when it suits me.... well you get the picture. I am all of these things, and yet there are times I am none of them too. I don't know if this makes sense, but I guess what I am trying to say is that a label is only important in the situation you are in at the time you are in it. I guess I have never been one for labels except as a temporary reference when it fits.

 

Also, Conflicted, the guilt does go away. I met my husband when I was a fledgling widow at 3 months, he was 6 months widowed and we managed to navigate the grief with each other to lean on. I love him more than the day I decided I was in love with him and there is no guilt. I quickly learnt, as a widow, you do what you have to do to get through it and come out with some dignity and sanity on the other side. My journey is unique, yours is unique and no one knows what that is except for you. Being a widow, I can IMAGINE what you must be feeling and going through and I will likely get much closer to feeling what you are feeling than someone who is a non-widow would get, but still way off the mark probably. Like I heard someone say the other night "If we are lucky we MIGHT get what? 75, 80 trips around the sun? Why would I care how others think I should be living my life? Seems to me like that would be a wasted trip - and I don't waste my trips to anywhere"

 

Made sense to me.

[conflicted]

Thanks for your insight Pammy. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this new relationship circumstance and that no one can put a time limit on when to move forward and when to love again.  I think your situation is beautiful that you were both able to find each other to lean on and build a new life with. DH will always be in my heart forever, no matter what, but it feels good to love again. I love someone new in a different way and I live almost a polar opposite life than I had before. I understand what you mean about doing what you have to do to maintain your sanity. And the whole label thing on my position from my past relationship to this one...It took me a long time to figure out exactly where I was with that and now I realize that it really doesn't matter.  What matters is how you feel and how well you are managing with where you are at. 

[thejourney]

I am really appreciating this subject as it is very relevant for me.  CH2 has had a real hard time with my world - it is a combination of both the reality that she faces being with a widow, and her own reaction to that reality.  I think she over reacts and is far too sensitive, but that is easy for me to say since I am not the one on the receiving end of the negative reception. I find it interesting that people are not happy with me for moving on 'too quickly' in their opinion but take it out on her.  as for the 'too quickly' part, those in glass houses .... until you walk in our shoes, you cannot know what it is like.  I may start another post about this, but sometimes it feels like moving away from my community and friends and tearing my kids away from that may actually be the only solution.  just so much history every where you go.

[Justin]

conflicted,

 

I became involved romantically with my chapter two love when I was only four months out - and that was after it took me a while to sort out my feelings. A little before five months, I was flying on a plane cross-country to meet her for the first time. I am now one year out, and am waiting for my daughter to complete her last year on high school, then we are moving to be with my new lady and live 1800 miles from where we do now.

 

For me, I never once felt any guilt about having feelings for my new girl, who is also widowed and on my same timeline. I was a faithful husband that loves my wife (and still does), but she is no longer here. I was not not looking to date, but this special person came into my life and we just clicked. Being widowed is the reason that we met, but not the reason we are together. When you know it is the right person, you know.