Guest TooSoon Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 So, in characteristic fashion, my husband had elaborate instructions for me regarding his ashes. I managed to spread some at the shore the first summer out on the jetty but since then I've sort of been avoiding it. Many of his requests are tough to fulfill (San Francisco, Rome, the Ganges) but one of them is our back yard. I feel weird about this because I am probably leaving this house sooner rather than later and I have no truly happy memories here as he was diagnosed 3 months after we moved in but I still feel compelled to carry out his wishes. I have a vegetable garden as we always have had and which he always loved and I was thinking maybe I should just do it. No kid, no fanfare. Just me, possibly a shot of whiskey or similar and the hose. Do I sound insane? It has been grating at me these past few days. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Do I sound insane? TooSoon, I believe that this "little matter of death" with its surrounding circumstances has at times probably caused many of us to ask the very same question and has made us do, feel or think that which would have been unthinkable before. We sometimes have to do or think "the insane" to feel a bit more sane, and to enable us to deal with the insanity of our reality. In context of his wife's illness and death, Edgar Allan Poe wrote the following: "I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." ― Edgar Allan Poe ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 EAP nailed it. Working up my gumption just to do it. Somehow doing it as part of a work-a-day thing seems fitting. If I must slog along, then he should, too. He's lucky he's not getting spread out in the laundry.....I jest. xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SoVerySad Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 TS, I don't think the garden idea seems insane at all. It was something you enjoyed doing together, so it seems fitting to me. I understand your feelings about leaving the ashes there where you may be moving away from soon, but since Scott specifically requested it, you shouldn't carry any guilt over it. I was thinking that while your experience in that house hasn't been positive, Scott may have felt differently. One on hand, we went through very difficult days there with his illness and didn't get to enjoy or realize the dreams he had of your lives together there. Yet I'm thinking that he also learned how truly and very deeply he was loved by you there as you fought for him, cared for, loved him until his last breath. So even if he never got to have a lot of happy days there, he did have many days of knowing the depths of an unconditional love many may never be privileged to experience there. Sending you love and tight hugs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I love you, SVS. You are so right. Thank you. xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I did it. I put my favorite song on and had a glass of champagne and remembered happy times and cried a river of tears. On step further away? One moment close again? I don't know. But it had to be done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsT85 Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 TS, I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread for just a moment to tell SVS: You always have the sweetest, most thoughtful, most profound and most helpful things to say. Reading you message to TS about how Scott must have felt as she cared for him in their home together brought tears to my eyes. You are a treasure. TS, I'm glad you were able to have your moment with Scott and your garden. I hope that as hard as it was, it set your mind a bit at ease and lifted at least a tiny burden from your shoulders. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Sending hugs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I did it. I put my favorite song on and had a glass of champagne and remembered happy times and cried a river of tears. On step further away? One moment close again? I don't know. But it had to be done. Good for You, TooSoon!! I have had to do some things that others would have considered QUITE "insane", and often even *I*, but they were necessary to deal with the situation. Whatever others think about our actions or thoughts is really quite immaterial. And we have to do the difficult, often heart-wrenching things, first in order to allow us to move forward. I believe that with your non-conspicuous Act of Love today you paid the highest tribute to your husband by honoring his wishes! Sending you Light and Blessings! Solidarity (((HUGS))) ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rifatheroffour Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 TS, I hope you don't mind if I hijack your thread for just a moment to tell SVS: You always have the sweetest, most thoughtful, most profound and most helpful things to say. Reading you message to TS about how Scott must have felt as she cared for him in their home together brought tears to my eyes. You are a treasure. TS, I'm glad you were able to have your moment with Scott and your garden. I hope that as hard as it was, it set your mind a bit at ease and lifted at least a tiny burden from your shoulders. I have to completely agree with this!!! And TS, nothing is crazy as far as ashes spreading. Consider yourself "lucky" to know exactly what he wanted done with them...I'm totally guessing on my end, 6 locations so far and one more major one to go but who knows where the rest will end up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grammy Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 (Hugs) I am glad you got to honor his wishes. I I am trying to honor his wishes but it seems out of my reach at this point. Maybe someday Doreen the road but for now he is in the closet where I am supposed to keep him until I remarry and go to Hawaii on my honeymoon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Good god, I'm now sat in a bar outside of Philly waiting for a musician I used to see weekly in college. Just need to lose myself on a crowd and be invisible. What an odd world we inhabit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATJ Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 What an odd world we inhabit. Odd and insane are the "New Normal" when our world has been turned upside down! ATJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CBB Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Hugs TooSoon, I think you handled it brilliantly. Not crazy at all to me. Perfect! Cyndi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NoKindaDancer Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Ts - When I read that he wanted you to place his ashes in the garden, I thought of a song by guy Clarke called "home grown tomatoes". It was a favorite of dh's who did love home grown tomatoes...and even though he didn't leave me instructions for where to put his ashes and I have not scattered any yet, I think a garden is a fine place. A few lyrics below and link to the song. If Is to change this life I lead You could call me Johnny Tomatoe Seed Cause I know what this country needs Home grown tomatoes in every yard you see When I die dont bury me In a box in a cold dark cemetary Out in the garden would be much better Cause I could be pushin up a home grown tomatoe Home grown tomatoes, home grown tomatoes What would life be like without homegrown tomatoes Only two things that money cant buy That's true love and home grown tomatoes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SimiRed Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 Yet I'm thinking that he also learned how truly and very deeply he was loved by you there as you fought for him, cared for, loved him until his last breath. So even if he never got to have a lot of happy days there, he did have many days of knowing the depths of an unconditional love many may never be privileged to experience there. Sending you love and tight hugs... This! I left our home in NC, but before I did.. I took some of Rick's ashes and crawled way into the back of the crawlspace under the house. I had a black sharpie and on the center beam I wrote "The Dance" 08/04/1990 - 09/19/2009... Our Dance, like the song, I could've missed all this pain, but then I would have missed the best dance of my life. A part of his ashes are there, cause that is where we "Danced"...AND, I'm am so Thankful that I did that, it felt good, it was right, it was the place we brought our baby home, it was home. I will NEVER ever regret leaving a small piece of him there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 SR, I so love the metaphor of "the Dance." I'm just now coming to to full realization that spreading his ashes and liquidating the clutter of our years here is part of my tip-toeing toward taking leave. I didn't realize it at first but that's what it is. The dance is done and like you, I'd not have had it any other way. It is all so intense and unpredictable. xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 Hugs TS. The dance is done and I too would not have it any other way. I cherish the memories. Intense and unpredictable describes it perfect. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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