NoKindaDancer

Squidley -- I have included some things below for you that I have written to others in the past about my experience with my kids. We are now almost 3 years out, and we did grief therapy through the local Children's Bereavement Center for 2 of those years. This was incredibly helpful for our whole family and I highly encourage it if it is available in your community. Also, I want you to know that now, my kids are good. They are resilient and well-adjusted. They are comfortable responding when others ask about their dad or talk about him. All of this comes with time. Your daughter will be ok, even though she's not right now. (and so will you) Regarding people coming up to hug her -- I had the same experience. It was annoying to me. I felt like people wanted to hug my kids or give them presents just to make themselves feel better. The kids looked at me confused about it. So I just explained it to them matter of factly -- "this is a person that knew Daddy. they worked together. (or whatever). Daddy was important to them and it makes them sad he is dead, and they want you to know that they care about you." I usually said this in the presence of the other person since they often didn't have the capacity to say those words themselves about why my kids are getting hugs from random people they don't know. I would also sometimes ask them if they wanted to go back to the car or whatever to escape those interactions. Regarding the questions/understanding of death: I kept all my answers honest and concrete because this is the developmental stage where they are at. When my son was 3 my mom was dying from a brain tumor and I found out what to tell him from our local bereavement center. I have applied that knowledge now also - "abstract" concepts like heaven and angles watching them can be confusing (so my 5 year old says daddy is in heaven, but I don't suggest it to them). The book called Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and The Family Book by Todd Parr have been helpful to my 3 year old. Also, I have been very straightforward about the "medical" side of all this - my DH and I were/are both doctors, so the kids are used to dinner discussions about organs and bones and such. Here is mostly what I've told them: Daddy was hit by a car while walking on the sidewalk on the way to work and that the doctors and nurses tried hard to save him but his body was too hurt and he died. His heart didn't have enough blood to pump. Dying means that he is dead and he won't come back. We can see him in our memories and in pictures. Other questions they had: 1. where is daddy? - at first, his body is at the funeral home but his spirit has left his body. later...his ashes are in the box in mommy's room. 2. his ashes? why do they burn him?... - this is what daddy wanted. he wanted to be cremated - where they heat up his body and turn it into ashes. one day we can spread them somewhere else. 3. was his face hurt? could he walk? other questions about EXACTLY what happened to him? - I just answered very honestly. his spleen was hurt, this stores the blood and his liver was hurt. they tried hard to fix the bleeding but it was too much and his heart didn't have enough blood to pump to his brain and his body. 4. when can I see him? we can look at pictures and see him in our memories (personal choice not to include heaven...I don't want my kids to want to go there yet to see him, and is the whole abstract thing...but I understand that others will do this very differently) 5. how come xxx has a daddy? lifetimes are different for different people. your daddy had a shorter lifetime. I found that childrens books are a wonderful way for them to learn about death and their own grief and how to process. It is a nice way for them to hear something over and over and over and slowly process it. These are the books that helped my kids the most. Lifetimes - the beautiful way to explain death to children - by Bryan Mellonie The Family Book - by Todd Parr The Feelings Book - by Todd Parr The Invisible String - by Patrice Karst Wherever You Are - my love will find you by Nancy Tillman I'd know you anywhere, my love - by Nancy Tillman Always By My Side - by Susan Kerner http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/grief video to watch with the kids. The whole toolkit also has a book "something small - a story about remembering" It is a horrible thing to have to explain to a small child that a parent is dead. I'm sorry you have to do it. There is no right or wrong way and we often just have to find the way that works for us and our family.

Squidley- Almost 3 years ago my husband was also hit by a truck and died. My kids were 3&5. I'm so sorry you are going through a similar experience. I will write more later today with specific advice but for now, I just want you to know that you're not alone.

Sadly, there is a great shortage of children's mental health professionals. In texas, it is often much easier for me to get kids in with a counselor - meaning lpc, social worker, psychologist - usually within 2 weeks. But getting them in with MD psychiatrist that can prescribe antidepressants if needed is much harder like 6 months. Calling and getting on a wait list would be great if you can drop everything to be at an appointment short notice. Would they let you donate a time slot that you are scheduled for to your daughter instead since you are already established? Are there crisis centers available? Although she is not in crisis yet, sometimes going to the walk-in crisis center staffed 24-7 gets you into a counselor sooner. Is there a children's grief support center in your area? They often have more availablilty. Beg your pedi to call places and discuss how important it is that your daughter be seen sooner? Sorry this is happening to you.

There is a book, "why bad things happen to good people" by rabbi kushner that really helped me to reconcile much of what you are battling with. It just helped me see things with a different viewpoint. I go to church often out of the community of it and because of my kids. I sometimes figure that I have a very different perspective than most others in the pews. I don't think that God plans for bad things to happen or that there is a greater better plan for me. I think the plan got messed up by random chance and free will.

I have not had that level of scrutiny. I have started keeping a spreadsheet spending. All household expenses(as listed by Trying) divided by 3 plus each kids childcare and clothing and whatnot. Vacations too. I typically stop once I reach their annual SS amount out of laziness. Bummer that they have targeted you for audit. Sound like a pain in the ass.

We did great wolf lodge with a single mom friend of mine. It was an easy and fairly local alternative to a long plane ride like mexico or hawaii. Very friendly for young kids and a less overwhelming trip than disney. It was a good way for us to mix it up a bit. My kids were 4 and 7 when we went.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/11/03/beyond-get-well-soon-create-an-empathy-card/?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share I wish someone would've sent me one of these cards.

I like svs' plan. Makes sense to touch base on how your personal life made you better professionally I understand the pride in not wanting to mention the tragedy in your life. I would like to think that your colleagues recall what you have been through and why some years were slower in your professional life. But -- I would imagine that currently they have forgotten because you likely are presenting yourself as a put-together person that is easily getting it all done. And, if they haven't lived it they wouldn't fully understand anyway. At the end, be proud of all of your professional accomplishments and privately you can be proud of your personal ones as well. Best wishes.

Ts - I want to be sure I understand your point of view...do you feel like you shouldn't include this portion of your personal life because that wouldn't be professional in the application OR that it's too difficult for you to write about it? Either way, do what is the right thing for you. You know what that is. Get it done on time and be proud of the product you're submitting. You got this!

Yes. Absolutely acceptable.

I am over 2 years out. I now have had a successful workers comp case and wrongful death case. Thelegal proceedings took incredible amounts of my time and energy. I feel no better that they are over. But I do feel proud that I was strong enough to go through with it so that I can tell my kids that I did everything I could to do my best for them. The hell of the legal proceedings was so small compared to the hell I live every day without my love. Drop in the bucket.

Yes. I now send a short email to the teacher before school starts to briefly explain when and how DH died. For my youngest starting kinder, I just requested that the teacher back her up if she over hears another kid calling her a liar about her dad bc the story is so unbelievable to young kids that they just can't fathom it all. And I let her know that DD is very matter of fact about it all bc I just don't want people to be shocked when she just says "my dad is dead. He's in a box on the dresser in my moms room". Otherwise I didn't discuss more how to handle it. My oldest is now entering 3rd and its a small school so the kids mostly know the story by now but I just briefly tell he teachers, mainly so they aren't shocked on "tell me about your family picture day". When he was going into first, it had all just happened, so my email was a bit longer explaining that he was in the mode of just trying to be normal and didn't really want to discuss...that changed as the year went on and he was more comfortable with the teache and other kids. It is a shitty thing to add to the back-to-school to-do list.

I'll join in. I read a review of the book a while back on nytimes and have been interested just never followed through. Good idea!

Thanks for posting. I needed that. I hope that my kids will have such kind things to say about me in 20 years.

Hunter - As I approach my 2nd year as well, I share many of your sentiments. The time warp is such an odd thing. -nkd