NoKindaDancer

Squidley -- I have included some things below for you that I have written to others in the past about my experience with my kids. We are now almost 3 years out, and we did grief therapy through the local Children's Bereavement Center for 2 of those years. This was incredibly helpful for our whole family and I highly encourage it if it is available in your community. Also, I want you to know that now, my kids are good. They are resilient and well-adjusted. They are comfortable responding when others ask about their dad or talk about him. All of this comes with time. Your daughter will be ok, even though she's not right now. (and so will you) Regarding people coming up to hug her -- I had the same experience. It was annoying to me. I felt like people wanted to hug my kids or give them presents just to make themselves feel better. The kids looked at me confused about it. So I just explained it to them matter of factly -- "this is a person that knew Daddy. they worked together. (or whatever). Daddy was important to them and it makes them sad he is dead, and they want you to know that they care about you." I usually said this in the presence of the other person since they often didn't have the capacity to say those words themselves about why my kids are getting hugs from random people they don't know. I would also sometimes ask them if they wanted to go back to the car or whatever to escape those interactions. Regarding the questions/understanding of death: I kept all my answers honest and concrete because this is the developmental stage where they are at. When my son was 3 my mom was dying from a brain tumor and I found out what to tell him from our local bereavement center. I have applied that knowledge now also - "abstract" concepts like heaven and angles watching them can be confusing (so my 5 year old says daddy is in heaven, but I don't suggest it to them). The book called Lifetimes by Bryan Mellonie and The Family Book by Todd Parr have been helpful to my 3 year old. Also, I have been very straightforward about the "medical" side of all this - my DH and I were/are both doctors, so the kids are used to dinner discussions about organs and bones and such. Here is mostly what I've told them: Daddy was hit by a car while walking on the sidewalk on the way to work and that the doctors and nurses tried hard to save him but his body was too hurt and he died. His heart didn't have enough blood to pump. Dying means that he is dead and he won't come back. We can see him in our memories and in pictures. Other questions they had: 1. where is daddy? - at first, his body is at the funeral home but his spirit has left his body. later...his ashes are in the box in mommy's room. 2. his ashes? why do they burn him?... - this is what daddy wanted. he wanted to be cremated - where they heat up his body and turn it into ashes. one day we can spread them somewhere else. 3. was his face hurt? could he walk? other questions about EXACTLY what happened to him? - I just answered very honestly. his spleen was hurt, this stores the blood and his liver was hurt. they tried hard to fix the bleeding but it was too much and his heart didn't have enough blood to pump to his brain and his body. 4. when can I see him? we can look at pictures and see him in our memories (personal choice not to include heaven...I don't want my kids to want to go there yet to see him, and is the whole abstract thing...but I understand that others will do this very differently) 5. how come xxx has a daddy? lifetimes are different for different people. your daddy had a shorter lifetime. I found that childrens books are a wonderful way for them to learn about death and their own grief and how to process. It is a nice way for them to hear something over and over and over and slowly process it. These are the books that helped my kids the most. Lifetimes - the beautiful way to explain death to children - by Bryan Mellonie The Family Book - by Todd Parr The Feelings Book - by Todd Parr The Invisible String - by Patrice Karst Wherever You Are - my love will find you by Nancy Tillman I'd know you anywhere, my love - by Nancy Tillman Always By My Side - by Susan Kerner http://www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/toolkits/grief video to watch with the kids. The whole toolkit also has a book "something small - a story about remembering" It is a horrible thing to have to explain to a small child that a parent is dead. I'm sorry you have to do it. There is no right or wrong way and we often just have to find the way that works for us and our family.

Squidley- Almost 3 years ago my husband was also hit by a truck and died. My kids were 3&5. I'm so sorry you are going through a similar experience. I will write more later today with specific advice but for now, I just want you to know that you're not alone.

Sadly, there is a great shortage of children's mental health professionals. In texas, it is often much easier for me to get kids in with a counselor - meaning lpc, social worker, psychologist - usually within 2 weeks. But getting them in with MD psychiatrist that can prescribe antidepressants if needed is much harder like 6 months. Calling and getting on a wait list would be great if you can drop everything to be at an appointment short notice. Would they let you donate a time slot that you are scheduled for to your daughter instead since you are already established? Are there crisis centers available? Although she is not in crisis yet, sometimes going to the walk-in crisis center staffed 24-7 gets you into a counselor sooner. Is there a children's grief support center in your area? They often have more availablilty. Beg your pedi to call places and discuss how important it is that your daughter be seen sooner? Sorry this is happening to you.

There is a book, "why bad things happen to good people" by rabbi kushner that really helped me to reconcile much of what you are battling with. It just helped me see things with a different viewpoint. I go to church often out of the community of it and because of my kids. I sometimes figure that I have a very different perspective than most others in the pews. I don't think that God plans for bad things to happen or that there is a greater better plan for me. I think the plan got messed up by random chance and free will.

I have not had that level of scrutiny. I have started keeping a spreadsheet spending. All household expenses(as listed by Trying) divided by 3 plus each kids childcare and clothing and whatnot. Vacations too. I typically stop once I reach their annual SS amount out of laziness. Bummer that they have targeted you for audit. Sound like a pain in the ass.

We did great wolf lodge with a single mom friend of mine. It was an easy and fairly local alternative to a long plane ride like mexico or hawaii. Very friendly for young kids and a less overwhelming trip than disney. It was a good way for us to mix it up a bit. My kids were 4 and 7 when we went.

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/11/03/beyond-get-well-soon-create-an-empathy-card/?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share I wish someone would've sent me one of these cards.

I like svs' plan. Makes sense to touch base on how your personal life made you better professionally I understand the pride in not wanting to mention the tragedy in your life. I would like to think that your colleagues recall what you have been through and why some years were slower in your professional life. But -- I would imagine that currently they have forgotten because you likely are presenting yourself as a put-together person that is easily getting it all done. And, if they haven't lived it they wouldn't fully understand anyway. At the end, be proud of all of your professional accomplishments and privately you can be proud of your personal ones as well. Best wishes.

Ts - I want to be sure I understand your point of view...do you feel like you shouldn't include this portion of your personal life because that wouldn't be professional in the application OR that it's too difficult for you to write about it? Either way, do what is the right thing for you. You know what that is. Get it done on time and be proud of the product you're submitting. You got this!

Yes. Absolutely acceptable.

I am over 2 years out. I now have had a successful workers comp case and wrongful death case. Thelegal proceedings took incredible amounts of my time and energy. I feel no better that they are over. But I do feel proud that I was strong enough to go through with it so that I can tell my kids that I did everything I could to do my best for them. The hell of the legal proceedings was so small compared to the hell I live every day without my love. Drop in the bucket.

Yes. I now send a short email to the teacher before school starts to briefly explain when and how DH died. For my youngest starting kinder, I just requested that the teacher back her up if she over hears another kid calling her a liar about her dad bc the story is so unbelievable to young kids that they just can't fathom it all. And I let her know that DD is very matter of fact about it all bc I just don't want people to be shocked when she just says "my dad is dead. He's in a box on the dresser in my moms room". Otherwise I didn't discuss more how to handle it. My oldest is now entering 3rd and its a small school so the kids mostly know the story by now but I just briefly tell he teachers, mainly so they aren't shocked on "tell me about your family picture day". When he was going into first, it had all just happened, so my email was a bit longer explaining that he was in the mode of just trying to be normal and didn't really want to discuss...that changed as the year went on and he was more comfortable with the teache and other kids. It is a shitty thing to add to the back-to-school to-do list.

I'll join in. I read a review of the book a while back on nytimes and have been interested just never followed through. Good idea!

Thanks for posting. I needed that. I hope that my kids will have such kind things to say about me in 20 years.

Hunter - As I approach my 2nd year as well, I share many of your sentiments. The time warp is such an odd thing. -nkd

AG - I've had much of the same experience lately. I am almost 2 years out -- working on forward motion, but also feeling very dedicated to preserving memories for the kids (and I've realized for me too). Recently I had my living room painted (moving forward), so all my family pictures and some travel pictures that DH took were taken down. I thought I would be ok with this, but the urge to put pictures back up was really strong. I miss looking at pic's of DH and being surrounded by the memories we made together. I have a box where I put some of those important "touch stones" - the only dress that DH picked out for DD, a shirt that DS wore to the funeral so that one day they are there for the kids if they want them. I grieve ALL the things that DH is missing in the kids' lives, and all the things he would have taught them...It is so unfair they will miss out on having an awesome dad and he misses out on seeing his amazing kids grow up. The guilt of getting rid of things though -- I am starting to feel it less. Sometimes like I'm a museum curator - choosing the best stuff to keep in order to teach the next generation...rather than a grieving widow. And it has helped me to go through things little by little -- only when I have the energy to do it. Sort through things and then sort through them again with more clarity of what will matter over time. I find myself making piles of things to donate, but then keeping that pile in the closet for months before I decide I'm actually ready to take it to Goodwill. babysteps. It is such a difficult task.

Thanks sphoc for sharing. All she wrote was so totally relatable for me.

Ts - When I read that he wanted you to place his ashes in the garden, I thought of a song by guy Clarke called "home grown tomatoes". It was a favorite of dh's who did love home grown tomatoes...and even though he didn't leave me instructions for where to put his ashes and I have not scattered any yet, I think a garden is a fine place. A few lyrics below and link to the song. If Is to change this life I lead You could call me Johnny Tomatoe Seed Cause I know what this country needs Home grown tomatoes in every yard you see When I die dont bury me In a box in a cold dark cemetary Out in the garden would be much better Cause I could be pushin up a home grown tomatoe Home grown tomatoes, home grown tomatoes What would life be like without homegrown tomatoes Only two things that money cant buy That's true love and home grown tomatoes

I read this today and thought some folks might find this story relatable. It is written by a widow of an alcoholic. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/27/surviving-an-alcoholic/?smprod=nytcore-iphone&smid=nytcore-iphone-share

Hmmmm. I think it's fine to keep and display proudly old pics of y'all's previous marriages. It is part of your family history and your daughters. As she grows you can tell her more of who was in the picture and what they meant to you. She will learn how big your heart is. Speaking as a pediatrician, I don't think this exposure will confuse your daughter. Just like i have pictures with my parents or sister or cousins who are part of my family, I think totally normal to have pics of deceased spouse even if they weren't the parent.

"I was married for 11 years. I am now widowed." No elaboration. Straightforward. Usually shocking. Was really hard at first but now almost 2 years later feels better. Feels like the truth. They almost never ask "how" and usually say sorry and I try to change subject back to something else. While I hate the pity look, I don't like the un-truth even more.

Kate - I am a pediatrician. I love my job. I work 3 long days per week and take call equally with the group - every 10th day. This is the same schedule that I had before dh died. It was our choice for us both to work part time to have more family time after we didn't have this for so long during our training. I often now feel rushed in the evenings to get kids to activities and dinner and family time. I think bc I'm part time the mom guilt is less. I am confident that doing what I love makes me a happier person and therefore a better mom when I am home. I am not the stay-at-home type. Just not me. They are only little once. They deserve a mom that is as happy and fulfilled in as many ways as possible. It's ok to give yourself permission to do that.

I was dreading watching the accident one but I did even though I knew what was coming. It didn't get to me. It wasn't like my experience for many reasons even though DH was also a car crash victim. The second 2 hr one got me more. The scream. I know it. I heard it first when a friend from high school died and her sister screamed at her funeral. I heard it second in training when a patient died and the mother screamed like that. And then it was me. The worst for me was when she found things in his white coat. I did that too in dh's white coat. I have that memory.

My kids are younger. 5 and 7. They have only met new guy twice. We've only dated 4 months now. On first and second meeting my daughter asked if he was having a sleepover and if not now, when. She has no idea about sex and neither does my 7 year old son. They think kissing is gross. But I still feel that my dating actions now will set an example for them later. When we get to the point of wanting overnights with the kids still in the house (which I think will be quite some time), I think I will let them know that these are adult decisions and adult actions. That they can do when they are 20 and in a committed relationship. Dh and I had overnights in college and practically lived together our last 2 years in college. There was certainly premarital sex but we were in a smart, committed adult relationship ready for adult decisions. I'm generally a huge fan of honesty and explaining things very well to my kids....but at an age appropriate level. I tell them I'm going on a date, but I don't elaborate unless asked more specifically about what we do on the date. Hard decisions. I think even harder with teens so my heart goes out to all of yall with older kids.

My mil warned me. Nice of her. But then she proceded to totally spoil the whole plot. Rude. I'm a few weeks behind and didn't want to know the whole thing.