Every ending is the start of a new beginning, and every beginning has an ending.

[Candace]

I think my last post was in January on the old board; I was estcatic ; I had just passed the three  year anniversary and didnt have a complete meltdown; I realized you never get to stop missing a loved one.  I was dating and had landed a full time position.  Life was good.

 

New guy is gone; I think when I lost my best guy friend Tommy in February, I started t pull away.  I had no idea I could be so devastated.  I resigned from my position because I was basically working for a slum lord; the senior apartment complex was was inthe poorest part ofthe city; the residents were usually elderly, had multibple health issues and on governement subsidies.  They didnt tell me I would be the one who would go to court and evict them into homelessness.  I couldnt do it. 

 

My father is dying.  I am eternally grateful for the years God gave him but his diagnose is so similar to Arnies and so sudden

and rapid we all know he wont last even six months.  His mind is still sharp, and he is very accepting and at peace with what lies ahead.  I'm not.  The flashbacks have returned,I cant eat at all I spend most days at my desk in a state of utter parlysis.  My siblings are dealing wit this much better, but they have their spouses and children to help them through the pain.  I have no one. 

 

I'm not ready yet to say good bye.  I need more time.  My sibs and their spouses are all coming in later this week.  Not all of us are born to be strong warriers.  I am again in a state of chronic panic, fighting just to breathe.  And I keep hearing the lyrics to Mash:

 

"Thru early morning fog I see, visions of the things to be

the pains that are withheld for me

I realize and I can see...........

 

The game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna lose it anyway

the losing card I'll someday lay, so this is all I have to say.................

 

The sword of life will pierce our skin, it doesnt hurt when it begins

but as it makes it way on in, the pain grows stronger watch it grin...........

 

A brave man once requested me, to answer questions that are key

is it to be or not to be, and I replied, oh why ask me?"

 

I have no interest in suicide; I just no longer care what happens to me.  Once more, I am thru the looking glass in Alice in wonderland and deeper into the rabbits hole than I ever have been.  I'm tired of this battle, and my heart is sick and sad.  I dont have the courage to ever risk another goodbye.  I beg God like I did with my mother and husband; please take me instead.  I'm an organ donor and could save so many lives. But God doesnt listen to people like me.

 

Even during those horrible first months after losing Arnie,there was always at least a small flicker of a flame of hope.  Its gone now,the candle is spent.  How do you go on when you have no hope left?

 

 

 

[jlp]

Candace, I'm so sorry things have gone south on you so quickly.  It does sometimes seem like a person just can't catch a break.

 

I have often felt the way you are feeling -- I think it's so hard to find meaning in life when you're childless, as we are.  And living without hope is exhausting and you've been doing it longer than me.

 

I don't have anything to help you feel better -- just know you're not alone.

 

((((hugs))))

 

[Jen]

"My heart is sick and sad." Yes, that's me too. I'm so, so sorry. Every morning I watch the sky get lighter in my bedroom window and think, Oh, God, not another day. What little hope I found in the past year is gone now. I don't know how long I can keep this up, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and not because I want to. It's duty, nothing more. I do have kids, which you'd think would give my life some meaning, but right now-- it doesn't. I'm sure I'm a terrible person for admitting that, but... that's where I am.

 

So many hugs, Candace. Peace to you...

[SoVerySad]

Tight, tight hugs to you, Candace. I'm so sorry your father is so ill. I can imagine it feels very disheartening to have the things you started to rebuild fall apart. I know it doesn't help right now, but I hope you can tuck away the knowledge that you found the courage to put yourself out there, so you can do it again when you are ready.

 

Again, I'm sorry it all hurts so much right now. On the hope issue, I've been looking at it this way... I have no idea what the future will hold for me. It may be as dreary as I fear on a daily basis, because life has felt that way since my T died. On the other hand, I may find new things that add light back into my life. At this point, I can't know, so that is where my hope lies right now - in the possibility.

 

More hugs...