I should have known better

[lcoxwell]

Lately, I have been feeling a bit melancholic, but I haven't been dealing with overwhelming sadness and grief. I have just been feeling a bit out of sorts, lost, and adrift. Tonight, I was feeling a bit under the weather, yet was having trouble sleeping. For some unknown reason, I decided to go on my Kenneth's Facebook page and just leave a little note that I miss him. Then, I started reading through the posts I have made on his timeline in the last year, since he died, along with reading the posts of a few others. Next thing I know, I am reading further back, when he was still alive, and then I am looking at pictures of him that were posted. And now, the flood gates have opened, and I am a crying, grieving mess.

 

I should have known better than to do a thing like that. Did I not learn anything from looking through his photo albums a short while back? Truthfully, I only do these kinds of things, when I am alone and feeling a need to connect with someone, anyone, even if it is to just connect with memories of my deceased husband. Apparently, I need more supervision to stop me from doing these kinds of things.

[BrokenHeart2]

Icoxwell, I'm going to disagree, sometime I need to connect and I do that by going back. I know it's going to hurt like hell but do it anyway to connect. Hope that makes a bit of sense or maybe we're both crazy together

[Lisa]

Pkease dont be so hard on yourself. We do this. Sometimes  it is a  mistake.. Sometimes it is a blessing.  Syrecsometimes ut feels like we are torturing ourselves but there us that pull to "visit " so to speak. Youve been thru health problems.  In my exoerienceexperienxe anywaybthat can really aggravate  grief.  Ride this wave.  Sending my best wishes.

[anniegirl]

These things happen - no need to feel bad about it - but I agree with you that if you know the outcome is going to be slipping back into an earlier grief pattern, you should probably avoid it.

 

I don't agree that we need to immerse ourselves in the past in order to move forward. If something hurts, don't do it.

 

I am not a fan of the "no pain/no gain" theory. Maybe what you need is some other ritual when you are feeling out of sorts. Something that is you-centered?

 

Hope you are feeling better today.

[Virgo]

I agree that it's a part of the grief process. We have to 'go there' sometimes. Although 'Staying there' the majority of the time would be more hurtful then helpful. ((hugs))

[Jen]

I try to avoid triggers as much as I can, but sometimes I have to go there too. I'm getting better at dragging myself away, but it hurts... oh, it hurts. ((((HUGS))))

[Carey]

I get told "why do you torture yourself that way?". I've learned not to go begging for comfort from others after doing that because they see it as me intentionally hurting myself. I get told all the time to shut his FB page down. I just can't.  I know why they're called triggers ... cause you feel like you've been shot

[lcoxwell]

Thankfully, the moment passed, and I came to realize something very important, something that made me feel like maybe I am getting close to crossing that nebulous line into BAG country. Yes, taking the time to read through those posts and to look at those pictures put me in a bad place. Yes, it triggered some grief crying. This time, though, I didn't stay in that place of grief for days on end, or for even a full day. Once I was able to fall asleep, I woke up feeling better. One small step forward for me, I guess.

[Tricia]

I did a similar thing the other day.

 

I was able to download and print out all the text messages my husband and I had exchanged. (He never had deleted our conversations.) It was more than 1,000 pages front and back, enough to fill a 4-ring binder. I went down quite a rabbit hole reading those and relishing in reading his words and almost hearing his voice. It made coming back to reality absolutely awful.

 

I know I'll do it again, though.

[Ursula]

Hello, I do it too, sometimes because I stumble upon something and sometimes because I look for it, as when looking at pictures. Since I am living in our old place again, opening boxes, bags etc. tons of stuff comes at me impromptu and knocks me right off my feet every time. Maybe also, today I am not so strong , but hell, it is all so close. I really don't think you are crazy or wanting to torture yourself, it is because you miss him. Simply that. So you go and look at things that remind you of him, or make you feel he is closer.

I have come to realize that the pain is always just at my shoulder and when I look at it I feel it. Yes, I can walk away from it again and carry on, but I know it is there and too damn close.