Frustrated and confused. Not sure how to handle this

[PhotoJunkie]

Let me say first that when my sister and I are doing fun things, its awesome.  We have a good time etc.  Its only when things are on the serious nature and are regarding my child that things get ugly.  Today is on of those situations.  Ive been honest with my daughter about my feelings right now.  meanwhile both my sister and my daughter are throwing their own versions of hissy fits. 

 

One of the things brought up in discussions about my moving here and eventually being a full time mom to my daughter (for those who don't know, she was moved to my sister's for safety concerns after inappropriate internet usage.  I did not have custody taken away from me for any reason and they only have temporary guardianship)  anyway....one of the issues brought up was they felt it was inappropriate for my daughter to be left alone at home.  This surprised me as my child is 16 and I am a single parent at this point so there might be times where she is home for a few minutes etc.  They have drawn a line in the sand on the issue.  There was a joint counseling session and this was brought up over and over, to the point I felt they were criticizing the fact I am a single parent and therefore I was ill equipped to handle her coming home etc with my job as a night shift nurse.  Now I realize this is my interpretation of what they were saying and doing, but that is how it comes across every time it is brought up.

 

Today we were supposed to check out a gym.  had a class picked out etc.  My sister texts and asks if I want to go to a yard sale thing at her son's school for office stuff.  Sure as long as we have time to hit the gym.  Was told we would so I packed my gym bag and off we went.  If Im being honest, I knew we would never hit the gym.  My sister is always full of big plans but when it comes to actual timed events, she can't manage it.  either always late or never making it.  So I get to her apartment and I realize the girl isn't up.  I said, do I need to wake her up to get going?  My sister says...no she can stay here while we go running around.  Let her sleep.  I paused and was very confused.  She noticed and asked what was wrong.  I didn't know how to word it without offending her.  But at the same time, they have been adamant that the girl is not left alone, but it was okay this morning??  I guess Im confused on what the definition of being left alone is.  But I never answered my sisters inquiry because I didn't know how to. 

 

So off we went.  Of course we never made it to the gym.  We end up coming home with our finds from the yard sale and Em is awake but obviously something is wrong.  So I went to talk to her.  Turns out she woke up and found out she was alone and got scared.  Now there is a land line and my number is programed into that land line but she never thought to look at it or attempt to call.  She is 16, but she has major issues with these kinds of what I call no brainer decisions.  So she didn't call to see where we were, she just sat and percolated in her fears etc.  So she was very upset.  Meanwhile my sister now is having a fit because her plans were to have the girl supervise quiet time for the littles while we ran to walmart.  Instead my sister is in the kitchen slamming lunch together (in an obvious state of upset) and when I talked to her she says she cant trust the girl to watch the kids in the girls current behavior mode and hinted that the girl is mean to her kids etc. 

 

Finally I just decided I was going to my apartment.  I have things to do and my sister is a time sucker.  So I am learning that I need to just go when I need to go.  I told my sister I was going to my apartment and when she figured out what she wanted to do, just text me.  I then asked if Emily could come with me.  Now all of a sudden Im being asked for weekend plans.  Am I keeping her all weekend, what are we doing etc.  I was unable to give that info as the original plan was to do that after the gym.  So now Sister is all upset because I can't give her a weekends worth of plans at the last minute.  She claims that my taking Emily throws off her family and night by night basis is too stressful.  Ummmm that is what they suggested in the first place.  When I moved here they said it was summer and they didn't care where Em stayed as long as they were informed.  I ask them all the time before I make plans if its okay if Em stays the night.  Last night she stayed over there because my sister wanted her to clean her room.  Last weekend she stayed with them because she had a church commitment.  Its like I follow their guidelines but they change every other day so I don't know what to do. 

 

All I want to do is explain to the girl that I wanted to at least wake her up to tell her where we were headed, because that is something that we always did before.  However, if I do that, then it undermines my sister I feel so I don't think its appropriate. 

 

Meanwhile Im so lost and confused.  Seriously.  Im not trying to play the innocent or anything Im just freaking frustrated.  I came out here and under advice from others in similar situations decided to try not to interrupt the status quo.  I have to ask permission from my sister to have my child stay a night with me.  Nobody seems to understand how hurtful that is to me.  But I do it.  Then something like this happens.  Im told one thing, a different thing is followed and now everyone is mad. 

 

The rule was the girl is not to be left home alone.  Today, per my sisters instructions, she was left home alone and now everyone is mad.  My sister is making it appear today that she needs plans for the girl staying where in more advance notice, but yesterday when it was brought up she said one day at a time was okay.  I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO DO (said for emphasis not yelling) 

 

I cannot take full custody of the girl till I figure out my work schedule and see if my sister and her husband are willing to help.  At this point, I feel like the girl will remain with them through the first semester because there is no way I can find proper care for her the three nights a week I work as I won't even know my real schedule till August and she starts school in August.  At our last meeting my sister said she was unwilling to commit to any level of help unless it was 5 days a week and I get her on Weekends.  Luckily I only work every 3rd weekend instead of every other but still.  Seriously?  But thats another tangent. 

 

Im just very frustrated right now.  I feel like Im being put in the middle between sister and the girl.  I need clear guidelines but clarity is not a strength of my sister even though she will tell you she is always crystal clear in her communication styles and its pointless to argue otherwise.

 

I will say that the last few days my sister has been very on edge.  Several times I have left their apartment because I could not handle the arguments, yelling etc that was happening.  Please don't get me wrong.  My hubby and I could throw down with the best of them and there were rare occasions that there were witnesses.  But this was very very very uncomfortable for me and my sister was offended when I left.  I don't know what is causing her to be this way.  I have asked but she says everything is fine.  So I let it be.  I don't poke puppies. 

 

anyway, sorry this was long. 

 

 

 

 

[SoVerySad]

PJ, I've been trying to think about how to reply to your post. It is hard, because I've never been in your unique situation. Let me first give you a hug. I understand your confusion and hurt. I am going to share my impression as an outsider looking in.

 

I really believe it is important that you retake the reins now that you are local to your daughter again. It made sense for your sister to be in charge when you were so far away, but things are different now. You are your daughter's mother. You should not need to ask your sister's permission to have your daughter stay with you. I do feel your sister is justified in knowing when she is to be responsible for keeping your daughter so she can plan accordingly. However, if your daughter stays with you, that shouldn't provide a hardship on your sister unless she is using your daughter for babysitting purposes.

 

I realize your childcare situation has a unique angle in that your daughter requires supervision, but not really a lot of assistance at her age. Can you try to find a college student or two or three who might be able to take turns to be with her just to monitor things when you are working? Perhaps you could ask around at your new job to see if anyone there knows a responsible young person, or an older person who might be interested in making a little extra money? I realize it would be an extra expense. Is your sister still getting the majority of your daughter's SS money? If so, then if she isn't living with her as much, maybe you could reclaim that money to use for paying someone to watch her.

 

I think your sister is being exceptionally rigid in setting the terms for your daughter being with her. She should be supporting you in reuniting your daughter back into living with you. It seems like her actions are about what is best for her, not necessarily your daughter. What does she have to lose by trying to work with you to get your daughter settled back in with you ASAP?

 

As far as your daughter being upset about being alone, I feel you can tell her that you regret you didn't follow your instinct to wake her before you left instead of listening to your sister. (It is the truth, right?) Tell her that she should always call you anytime you she feels afraid. I am confused why your sister felt it was okay to leave her alone then - maybe because it was day instead of night? Does she leave your daughter alone with her children?

 

I know you have a lot on your plate with the move and finding a new job, etc.. And I'm sure it is exhausting after all you've been through over the past couple of years. You deserve to be receiving more respect from your sister than you are receiving, IMO. She needs to act as the aunt she is in supporting you the mother. I believe the longer you leave your sister to be the one in control now that you are there, the harder it may be to have your daughter see you as the one in charge which is going to be essential.

 

Is your sister being more of a help or a hindrance? If it is a hindrance, then I think you need to talk to her about what your needs are from her at this point and see how she is able or wants to help within that framework. I realize you feel you really still need her. I suspect she asserts herself so strongly because she know that you feel that way. I know you want what is best for your daughter and I believe you can provide that better than anyone else. You may need to find other resources than your sister to make it work if she doesn't feel she can help in the ways you need now.

 

Again, just my thoughts from outside looking in. Words are easy and I realize you're in the middle of some strong emotional dynamics. I just really do think it should be you setting up the framework now, not your sister. I also wonder if your sister's edginess might have a negative impact on your daughter. Maybe you could tell your sister you'd like to get settled into a routine of being with your daughter and adapting to the change before the pressures of a new job for you and a new school year for her set in.

 

More hugs, PJ. I know you'll get it figured out.

[PhotoJunkie]

Ive been juggling this in my brain all day and it finally hit me, mostly in part to your post SVS

 

I need to stop trying to force my sister into my expectations of what she SHOULD do and accept I can't change her but I can change what I can do.  I have come too far to let this all fall apart now.  My daughter and I are spending time together and doing well so far.  Nothing is perfect and I am not expecting perfection so thats good   We have had a few tiffs as expected but have both handled them differently than we would have a year ago.  I think this is excellent progress. 

 

I need to accept that between now and January 1st, I will still be just a "visitor" in my daughters life while we adjust and get things settled.  I have had issues in my past with abusive people and I am very very picky as to who watches my child etc. so my vetting processes to find someone who could stay here with us at night will be longer than average.  before I can even hire anyone, I have to have a set schedule.  So I just need to accept that I will not be the primary right now and act accordingly.  A slow reentry time is probably better for both sides as well. 

 

I also need to remind myself that I do know what I am doing.  I have been a parent for 21+ years.  That hasn't changed.  I need to stop allowing myself to be pushed around or second guessing what I know.  I also have to stop acting like other people run my life.  They do not.  I do.  I have been acting like I have no choices and that everyone else is dictating my life.  This is not true and I need to battle my way out of that thinking. 

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to the novel I posted.  Sometimes all it takes is one person to say the right thing for it all to make sense. 

[Trying]

I don't have any advice, never having been in your situation.  I have admired the way you have made choices in your daughters best interest some really tough choices.  I think this adjustment will continue to be difficult at times but once you figure out what you want and how to manage the alone time for the girl, you will approach your sister with gratitude and conviction that you are ready to take over the reigns again.

 

2 strong women, working towards a common good is awesome but unfortunately we all come with egos and insecurities too.

 

Wishing you nothing but the best.