Pride - a significant day and a Griefblast I didn't expect

[gracelet]

Today was Pride in London, as it was in many cities around the world. What a wonderful celebration, and what wonderful news in the US. My facebook wall is awash with people's rainbow filtered profile pics and I love what an open society I am able to thrive in.

 

However, i had no idea that today would be such a trigger for grief.  I haven't been to Pride since Elle died. It wasn't a conscious thing; I was just never around. This year, on a celebratory day where the sun was beaming down on london in all its glory, I saw happy coupes all around. Happy same sex couples who are like me and my wife were - out and proud, comfortable in our skin, affectionate, energetic and totally in love. But I'm not that anymore and fucking hell it hurts. Day to day, I am invisible as a gay woman because I'm not in a couple. Add to that, I'm invisible as a widow.

 

Elle always adored Pride - being gay was her identity! She'd get rainbow face paint all over the pillowcase, having drunkenly danced at the street parties with her giant rainbow flag, until I'd shepherded her home and plopped her in a sweaty pile on the bed. Sexy it was not, but I loved that woman.

 

My wife should have been marching with me. She should have been competing with me to blow whistles louder. Instead, i had the gay flag she always wore on her back as a cape on mine. I marched with her old colleagues, and I carried her in my heart. Her company had provided placards where you could fill in the blank "my pride hero is..." And wave them around. I filled mine in to say "My pride hero is my wife and my mum" and I waved that sign as high as I could. People asked where my wife was. I kept my sunglasses on the whole time to hide my tears. A mixture of joy at the memory and a mixture of devastation at the loss, and I marched and I danced and I made as much noise as I could.

 

Some people here I know don't get it. Don't get how someone can be gay. Don't get why we would want to marry. Well get this - I lost the love of my life and that pain is just as real as yours. I wanted to spend eternity with her. Love is love. And when that person is taken away from you, my god do gay widows wail just as loudly as the next widow. We want that recognised - in life and in death.

 

Long live love and equality.

[Trying]

I'm sorry that what should have been a celebratory day turned I to such a grief trigger, it's amazing how often that is true with good events. 

 

I agree that love is love and hopefully here in the US we are a step closer to marriage just being called marriage with a qualifier attached.

 

Big hugs to you as you sit with so many memories.

[Lmsmdm]

Big hugs, I hate when the grief monster pulls a sneak attack!

 

I shed a tear for those who lost their loves before this historic day.

[Eddienhp]

Many hugs to you Gracelet. I've been to LI Pride this year. I actually had a vendor table for the non-profit I started for disabled kids. Although I know many lgbt folks, I've never been to Pride. I plan on going next year just as a spectator to enjoy the festivities. It's wonderful to be with people who are simply themselves. I know how much you loved your wife. She left this world way too early. You both enjoyed participating in Pride together so it doesn't surprise me you had a bout of grief. We are forced to live with broken hearts. It's a good thing we can come here to share it amongst people who get it.

 

Hang in there.

Eileen