Home again...

[Jen]

Such as it is. We just got back from a nine-day road trip through the American Southwest: 3,165 miles driven (exclusively by me!) through six states (maybe seven, depending on whether we actually crossed the Utah state line and didn't realize it, as Google Maps claims) with three kids (two of who were fighting/snarling/squawking/complaining/shrieking at any given time) and my 71-year-old mother (who refuses to wear her hearing aids). To say there were ups and downs would be an understatement, both literally and figuratively.

 

It was... hard. The first few days especially, I think because we went to Denver and Boulder, where I lived as a grad student back in the 90s. This was the first time I'd been back in 15 years, and I had a hard time getting my brain around all that's happened since then. The last time I drove down 28th St in Boulder, I was a young wife with a new baby. Now I'm old, bereaved, empty, and broken. Just too many memories there, I guess-- good and bad.

 

It got better after we left the Front Range and drove down into the Four Corners area. I lived there too, but when I was a kid, so it wasn't so fresh. (On the other hand, I did have my honeymoon there with xh-- gulp-- 19 years ago. Ugh.) I always wanted to take Jim out there, but we never got the chance. Instead I found myself scattering ashes. I hope he approves; it's a gorgeous spot.

 

I did manage to have fun, though. I enjoyed showing my kids all the places I lived and went to school, and tramping them through every archaeological site I could find. It must have been fairly successful; they've asked to go back. So that's something, I guess.

 

I don't know where to go now. I was hoping to find some sense of connection out there-- to the land, if not to other people, since that seems to elude me now. There was some fleeting feeling... but I couldn't hold onto it. I'm just numb. Dead. Except for the searing pain in what's left of my heart...

 

Anyway. Just another day to get through. I keep hoping enough of them will stack up to make it feel as though I've made some progress, but I seem to wake up back at the starting line every morning. I don't want to do this anymore, and I'm tired of pretending I do. I'm just... tired, full stop.

[Virgo]

First of all, hugs to you! I also have that feeling of not wanting to do this all by myself anymore, but less often then before. I'm actually having that feeling now. It seems more prevalent when I'm physically or mentally exhausted. Being an only parent is difficult. Kudos to you for braving a road trip with your family though!!! That is something I'm not ready for at all. To be honest, I'm a little worried about making a four hour trip to an indoor waterpark with my three daughters this summer.

[Wheelerswife]

Hugs, Jen.  I've been on the road, too, sometimes just wishing he was there...all the places I've been and plan to visit that he would have just loved.  I think, though, that filling time with things like travel that can give us moments of feeling good...these can be good for us across the board.  Somehow, we have to find a way to make the days worth living.

 

I hear you, loud and clear.

 

Maureen

[Ursula]

Dear Jen, it has been a while - I am glad you had some fun too. As for all the other things, I too  hear you.

Travel is a good way to distract, also a trigger-zone, but new impressions too will get stuck and hopefully make you happy in some sort of way.

 

I'll give you the hug personally soon  - squeeze and take good care of yourself

[Jen]

((((((Ursula))))))) Two weeks!!