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  1. calimom

    Never in my wildest dreams......

    I'm glad you've found happiness and peace, Patswife.
  2. calimom

    Committed But Not Married (Long)

    Echoing what soloact said, "those who matter don't mind. Those that mind don't matter." My own mother was widowed fairly young. She'd always declared she'd never marry again. But at 14 years post widowhood, she met a man who'd been widowed for 5 years . They were about your age, 60-ish and decided to take the plunge They are not particularly religious but had a wedding officiated by a friend and registered with the State of Arizona. Resources were combined: two houses sold and a new house, "their house" was purchased. Both were working at the time and had what might be considered the goodies of the hardworking American Middle Class. Real Estate, IRAs, investment accounts and in the case of my stepfather, a pension from his years as a university professor. Should he precede my mother in death, she will be the recipient of the pension. Should she precede him, he'll make use of the assets they have together. When both die, the five combined offspring will inherit the rest. We're all OK with that. All five benefited from loving upbringings and college educations. My mother gifted a nice amount to us as adults for weddings or down payments on our first homes, whichever we chose. Her husband did similar things with his own sons. They have a wonderful relationship. My mother kept my father's name in her new marriage as that was what she was known by professionally, plus she didn't want the hassle of changing her name on her driver's license or passport or anything else. Shortly after they married, and I'm talking just a few weeks, I was widowed at 31 with 3 young children. My freshly minted stepfather stepped in, along with my mother, to provide major support, even delaying their planned honeymoon trip. This likely would have been the case whether they married or not. My kids have been shorted in the biological grandfather department but my stepfather has stepped very graciously in this role. My mother's life expanded with having sons for the first time, and additional grandchildren. Love multiplies. They've also provided emotional and financial support for an offspring's family with a seriously ill child and one who had an economic meltdown. They're a team. Your relationship may be a long one. Both could live happily and healthily into your 90s! One or both of you may need nursing or assisted living care or not - there are unknowns in life. You're to be commended for thinking and planning ahead. Money is important. But hopefully you're not being held back by the idea that your grown children would miss out on inheritance by either one of you. And it's unlikely that a surviving spouse would be completely impoverished by the nursing care of the other. There are benefits and consequences of marriage and cohabitation, and lots to consider in both. Either one is a viable choice. Since it sounds as though you'll do without the government filing, I'd avoid any term like "wedding", "marriage" or "husband and wife". All is good. Your friends and family who love you will want to celebrate your union. Best of luck to you and wishing you and your intended a most happy and long life together. I wish you the best.
  3. What a beautiful post, Judy. I love the synchronicity and meaningfulness of your friend's shirt at your daughter's wedding. And congratulations to all, by the way! I'm just over 10 years out. When I am a very old lady, the date of Jeff's death, and his birthday, will still have meaning, even if just for me and my children - who may well forget or not have it imprinted in their beings - which is also fine. I haven't been through a child's wedding yet, one day in the future hopefully. While not much a believer in the afterlife or signs in general, I have felt "something" on auspicious days like the numerous graduations that I've experienced from preschool to college. Maybe it's an internal fortitude, maybe some other sort of life force that has carried me through those days. Love your writing and your thoughts. Thank you.
  4. calimom

    kagill's Real Sex, what are you needing?

    Jen, hope you're ok, sounds like you're going through a rough patch. I do appreciate a good conversation here, i't helpful when different viewpoints can be discussed. Glad you all thought everything was aboveboard. Its true, this is an anything goes thread. While one or two of us found a few things off base, not everyone did, and that's what makes us all unique. I'm certainly no prude and not interested in being a hall monito. I greatly appreciate the efforts of the moderators here. And Serpico and Trying, absolutely love that both of you are ducking into this particular forum! That's really fun!
  5. calimom

    kagill's Real Sex, what are you needing?

    Typically in the Message box but you could start a thread about it too. Widowbagos don't happen often enough. Widowbagos have never been about hookups. They are about friendships and supporting each other. Thank you, Maureen. And seriously, Christopher and Jen, take it offline or get a room. Something. Jeez.
  6. calimom

    Well, this sucks.

    Bit off topic but women are no more 'ruthless' as a gender - some humans are, some aren't. One is after all, only getting one side of the story from these fellows... All these nasty, 'crazy' exes we seem to hear about, must have had something pretty darned attractive about them initially, or for many years even, if the guy had several children with them! People change of course, but women are no more or less likely to than men. And Bunny, I might be similar to you. New bloke now for 5 years, committed in every way but not in a hurry to cohabit or marry. Kids happy the way things are, logistics, and just emotionally don't feel I need it/am ready for it. But like your fellow (mine is 54) he has never been married, so we have discussed it and he would like to one day, and I'd be happy to for him, just don't feel the urgent need. Funny how we change over the years. I think it has less to do with gender and more to do with whichever wronged party you're talking to at the time. Not saying that anyone would outright say an untruth, but can a lot easier to portray oneself as a victim than as quite possibly an equal component in the breakdown of their previous marriage. More fun to do a "why me" than take ownership. And I think I'm in the same camp as Bunny and fairlanegirl. Longtime gentleman friend, no immediate or longterm plans to marry, or even cohabit at this point. It could change someday….maybe
  7. Well played, sir. Sometimes when life deals a shitty hand, you just have to play the cards you have. It's one thing to use the widda card to get outof something like a speeding ticket or a late credit card bill, but you used it to get into a community where your small children will be well cared for while you work to support your family. Once in awhile things just happen the way they're supposed to. And I somehow have the feeling when the daycare puts out the call for volunteers to help clean 24 tiny chairs, paint a classroom or man the grill for the annual fundraiser, you'll be the first one who shows up with a scrub brush, a paintbrush or a spatula. Best to you and your kids. You're a great dad.
  8. calimom

    It is NOT a Facebook moment - Update

    Wishing you well on your journey, Maureen. The physical one as well as the metaphorical one. I really admire your attitude in the face of everything life has thrown at you. Big hugs from the west coast.
  9. calimom

    Creeping up on 12 years ..

    Hang in there, ya big lug.
  10. calimom

    10 years today

    Generally I have a let's-get-on-with-it, moving forward type of mindset about this, but alas, today has not been one of those days. I've basically just sat with this loss for much of the day. 103 degree temps didn't help much, or gave me the excuse to just lie low. Just remembering my gorgeous, kind, smart, funny husband who just wanted good things in the world. Just giving in to the challenges of single handedly raising a young family. I don't really expect many people to remember this date, but had a message from my mom, who was widowed while I was in high school; she wrote: "remember the love, always" and a phone call from my MIL, who has this date emblazoned in her mind. She was a little weepy, which in turn made me a little weepy. Will this day have the same impact in another 10 years? In 20? I am guessing so, but of course there is that old chestnut about the healing power of time, right? Right. There's a memorial bench in a park a couple of hundred miles away. Not really in the cards to visit today, and not sure if it would even offer any comfort if we did so. What I did do in the way of ritual was put a blooming orchid next to Jeff's picture and drink a Red Tail Ale. His favorite. And I don't really even like beer all that much
  11. calimom

    Drawing the line with the x?

    If you want to engage and fight with this woman over things like car repair and birdbaths, it's absolutely your choice. She may be someone who likes to push buttons and if she realizes her requests and actions bother you, she'll likely continue. She may move on to other things if she finds you don't react. And if your fiancee helps her with her car or gives her a raspberry bush, is it such a terrible thing? I have two ex-wives in my life: my late husband's first wife. They had horrible issues mostly centered around their young child (who I was awarded custody of after his death if that gives you some idea). I'm still in touch with her today, but only at a distance. My long time gentleman friend had a "good" divorce and a pleasant ex. They too have older kids and some financial dealings. He recently drove her to an airport 200 miles away to catch an international flight, and it didn't bother me - mostly because it didn't concern me. If you want to have a hate fest with this woman which will only result in continued stress, it's your call. My advise is to pull back, be friendly and polite in your limited dealings with her. Be Switzerland! Wishing you the best. And one other thing - he shouldn't be involved in lots of petty texting back and forth with anyone while out with you. That's just plain rude.
  12. calimom

    Are you still Mrs.....

    I've had the same last name I've had my entire life, and don't have much call to be referred to as Mrs. or Ms., generally just First Name/Last Name works on mail, and most people just call me by my first name in any case. Teachers, though, I completely get the conundrum.
  13. Your news made me smile, Rob! It's nice to read. Happy birthday and it's ok not to over share every detail of your life Sometimes just the headlines are enough.
  14. Here's the deal: you're allowed to have boyfriends and fiancés after the death of your husband. His family is allowed to to feel threatened by this/wish things were like they were. No one is wrong here. You're also allowed to to see these people or not see these people, whichever is comfortable. If the situation becomes uncomfortable for either party, you're free to disengage. Since you say you have no children, and there is no particular reason to maintain a relationship, it might be best to let it organically slide away. No one needs to be unkind; no one needs to trash the others behind their back. Maybe one day things might be different. Accept that this day is not that day and move forward with your life with grace and confidence.
  15. I can think of plenty of people who care what their church thinks. It's certainly a fair consideration. Point taken, and certainly some families and churches are less than flexible when hearing the news that two adults are living together. Still, a straightforward announcement of such seems like a better path than going through with a church wedding which then goes unrecorded. The US seems pretty strict about legal weddings. Other cultures, as Arneal noted, have different traditions. Italy, also, has a civil and religious weddings, where (I think) couples can do one or the other, or both. There can be some absolute economic benefits to being married. My mother was widowed at a relatively young age, and married a widower after 14 years. My mom had it together financially but post marriage was in a far better medical plan, and would receive her second husbands pension if he predeceases her. So there's that, plus taxes and insurance that can favor the married.

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