JustLola

The feelings for my friend hit me out of the blue. Again, at this point we're still just friends but it was nice to know I COULD feel something again. And it was amazing to feel desired and cared for after so long caring for my husband during his illness. I told my son (17) tonight that I'm thinking about dating again. We've been on a college road trip all week and I figured it was the perfect time as we've been bonding and having an experience together. He said it would be weird to see me with another man and that, no matter who it is, he won't like him. I said "I'd like you to at least give whoever-it-is a chance," and he replied "Nope." He wasn't angry or snotty about it, just truthful. I can live with that. Now to talk to my daughter...

I recently had my first crush on someone since my husband died - an unexpected romantic connection with an old friend. A couple of weeks later I had a dream that he and I were making out. I opened my eyes and he had turned into my LH! I kept staring at him and H finally said "Did it never occur to you that this could happen?", meaning my continued intimate relationship with him. I seriously hope that moment doesn't happen in the real world when the time comes.

I'm 16 months out and thinking about dating. I recently had a couple of unexpectedly romantic evenings with an old friend. Dating wasn't on my radar before then but he stirred feelings that have been dormant awhile. While developing a relationship with him would be my ideal - there's already a built-in trust and comfort level - he lives a million miles away and travels constantly. My question for those of you who are dating with children: when and how did you tell your kids? Did you wait until you were actually seeing someone, or when you first made the decision? Was it a discussion or more a statement of fact? How did they react? Mine are teenagers which makes the conversation both easier and harder. We've joked about it - apparently my son thinks I'll have a 30 year old boyfriend called Francisco - but not sure how they'll take it when it happens for real.

My husband was an avid photographer in his spare time. Right before he got sick he started a blog of his work, with the idea of eventually selling his photographs. In his honor, I am going to mount a photo exhibit of his work. I've gotten the gallery space donated and am now going through the process of selecting photos to enlarge. He had already gone through a chunk of them and done the color corrections; I just need to find a theme for this show. I'm so excited to do this for him.

Oh Nicki, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I also lost my H to cancer. He was being treated in a different city the last few months of his life, and every time I would visit him the change in his appearance, mobility and pain level was startling. I was with him at the end and it was the hardest 48 hours of my life. I, too, thought I wouldn't be able to get those last images out of my head. What made it worse is that photography was one of my husband's hobbies and for the last several years had included regular self-portraits. Unknown to me, he continued it up until the end so every now and then I'll find a photo of how he looked at the end. For the memorial, our daughter put together a video of him. Somehow looking at that - at him actually walking, talking, dancing - helped push out the ugly memories in my mind - much more than still photos did. Now, 11 months out, more often than not I remember the man I knew for 26 years instead of the devastated version caused by disease. My son, however, still carries it around with him, especially the moments after H died. His counselor calls it what it is - trauma - and is recommending a special program to help him get through it. Perhaps there is something similar in your area. Know that we are all with you and holding you through this difficult time.

That makes sense to me, Tatianakm, about them not being able to "get in." I went for weeks and weeks after his memorial not sensing him or dreaming about him. I was so distraught. And then one night I had a vivid dream of him really upset, apologizing for and talking about things that were unresolved in our relationship. Once we both let those things go it was like the flood gates opened and the dreams started to come more often.

So true! Sometimes I wonder if he was ever real or if I imagined him, and it's only been 7 months for me. Wonder how much more surreal it will feel after 10 years.

What a vivid image, Adley. I've never heard of someone standing on one foot clipping toenails and I love what a happy and unique memory it is for you.

When I look at pictures of my DH I can still feel his touch, the hair on his arms, the scruffiness of his face. If I look too long it becomes overwhelming because I know I'll never have it again for real. I hope I never forget. I recently found one of his t-shirts in the hamper. It was buried in the folds of a laundry bag and I must have missed it. It still had his scent on it. I folded it up again in the bag. I will never wash it.

I've had several dreams about my DH since he left. At first they were very emotional and/or about him being passed on but still alive somehow. The last few days they've taken on a different form. They're not about him but he's there, in the background, often not saying a word. The one last night was the same - he was just there, part of the fabric of my life. It's how I woke up that shook me. My hand was cupped around the remote I'd left on the bed. That remote has been there every night for weeks and I've never touched it. This morning I was holding it in the same position as he and I would hold hands the last few days of his life, when he just wanted to know I was there. As I came to I just kept looking at my hand. It's not that I thought he was really there but that I couldn't believe he wasn't. The feeling of him beside me seemed so real. I know many of you of had dreams of your spouses. I would love to hear if/how those dreams have spilled over into real life.

So sorry you have to deal with this. I was thinking along the same lines as Nonesuch. Interest rates are still low and you may be able to get a HELOC. You wouldn't need much, if that's a concern, just enough to cover the taxes. That said, it could put you past the deadline but call whichever governmental entity you pay taxes to and find out what the options are. If they know you're working it out, they may give you an extension. It's cheaper for them to give you another couple of weeks than to initiate a sale. If you still have a mortgage, talk to the lender. They may advance you the amount or amortize it into your payment. Again, it's in their best interest. If there's a tax sale, they stand to lose whatever balance is left. Best of luck.

Oh, Blue Green, that's a lot on your shoulders. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your boys' loss. You're still in such early days. There's so much coming at you and I completely understand that overwhelming feeling of wanting to fix every problem. Give it time. Not only will it look different to you in a few months but things/solutions may occur to you that haven't yet. I'm only 6 1/2 months out, but some of the things I was so worried about at first have developed in ways I couldn't have imagined then. My son was 15 when his dad died. We had called the paramedics and one of the police officers who came with them had lost his dad about the same age. He told me my son would be fine. He said there was something about seeing his mother do everything in her power to take care of her family that made him so grateful for her. It helped him become a man.

You're crazy for feeling guilty about this. Don't judge yourself too harshly. Just take your time.

I was just talking to a friend today about this. I had to buy a car when I moved back to my hometown after hubby died. I knew what I wanted but was talking myself out of it. It finally hit me that was HIS voice in my head, telling me that I didn't really want what I wanted. It was kind of a lightning bolt to realize that I could buy anything I could afford without having to discuss or negotiate or convince him. I finally got the car I had wanted for years. To me, it's part of the processing of where our lives are now, our new reality, both good and bad. It doesn't mean you don't love him or want him. I would quickly trade the freedom I've gained to have him with me again. But the reality is he's not coming back and I have to make peace with everything that means.

I'm a little over 6 months in and I alternate between wearing his and mine together, and a beautiful vintage ring he gave me on our anniversary 3 years ago. It was meant to represent our new beginning after a rough patch. Our Christmas present to each other last year was new rings and we renewed our vows - with our 14 year old officiating (!). This was about 4 months before DH passed away. He had tears in his eyes because it meant to much to him. For now, I'm following what feels right. I love all three of them but some days it seems like I'm perpetuating a fraud. They just don't feel right. On other days, I can't imagine being without them. Wrapped up in all that is my self-image: am I ready to be seen as a single woman. I can imagine a time coming soon, though, when I take them off for good. None of it diminishes my love for him.