JustLola

The feelings for my friend hit me out of the blue. Again, at this point we're still just friends but it was nice to know I COULD feel something again. And it was amazing to feel desired and cared for after so long caring for my husband during his illness. I told my son (17) tonight that I'm thinking about dating again. We've been on a college road trip all week and I figured it was the perfect time as we've been bonding and having an experience together. He said it would be weird to see me with another man and that, no matter who it is, he won't like him. I said "I'd like you to at least give whoever-it-is a chance," and he replied "Nope." He wasn't angry or snotty about it, just truthful. I can live with that. Now to talk to my daughter...

I recently had my first crush on someone since my husband died - an unexpected romantic connection with an old friend. A couple of weeks later I had a dream that he and I were making out. I opened my eyes and he had turned into my LH! I kept staring at him and H finally said "Did it never occur to you that this could happen?", meaning my continued intimate relationship with him. I seriously hope that moment doesn't happen in the real world when the time comes.

I'm 16 months out and thinking about dating. I recently had a couple of unexpectedly romantic evenings with an old friend. Dating wasn't on my radar before then but he stirred feelings that have been dormant awhile. While developing a relationship with him would be my ideal - there's already a built-in trust and comfort level - he lives a million miles away and travels constantly. My question for those of you who are dating with children: when and how did you tell your kids? Did you wait until you were actually seeing someone, or when you first made the decision? Was it a discussion or more a statement of fact? How did they react? Mine are teenagers which makes the conversation both easier and harder. We've joked about it - apparently my son thinks I'll have a 30 year old boyfriend called Francisco - but not sure how they'll take it when it happens for real.

My husband was an avid photographer in his spare time. Right before he got sick he started a blog of his work, with the idea of eventually selling his photographs. In his honor, I am going to mount a photo exhibit of his work. I've gotten the gallery space donated and am now going through the process of selecting photos to enlarge. He had already gone through a chunk of them and done the color corrections; I just need to find a theme for this show. I'm so excited to do this for him.

Oh Nicki, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I also lost my H to cancer. He was being treated in a different city the last few months of his life, and every time I would visit him the change in his appearance, mobility and pain level was startling. I was with him at the end and it was the hardest 48 hours of my life. I, too, thought I wouldn't be able to get those last images out of my head. What made it worse is that photography was one of my husband's hobbies and for the last several years had included regular self-portraits. Unknown to me, he continued it up until the end so every now and then I'll find a photo of how he looked at the end. For the memorial, our daughter put together a video of him. Somehow looking at that - at him actually walking, talking, dancing - helped push out the ugly memories in my mind - much more than still photos did. Now, 11 months out, more often than not I remember the man I knew for 26 years instead of the devastated version caused by disease. My son, however, still carries it around with him, especially the moments after H died. His counselor calls it what it is - trauma - and is recommending a special program to help him get through it. Perhaps there is something similar in your area. Know that we are all with you and holding you through this difficult time.

That makes sense to me, Tatianakm, about them not being able to "get in." I went for weeks and weeks after his memorial not sensing him or dreaming about him. I was so distraught. And then one night I had a vivid dream of him really upset, apologizing for and talking about things that were unresolved in our relationship. Once we both let those things go it was like the flood gates opened and the dreams started to come more often.

So true! Sometimes I wonder if he was ever real or if I imagined him, and it's only been 7 months for me. Wonder how much more surreal it will feel after 10 years.

What a vivid image, Adley. I've never heard of someone standing on one foot clipping toenails and I love what a happy and unique memory it is for you.

When I look at pictures of my DH I can still feel his touch, the hair on his arms, the scruffiness of his face. If I look too long it becomes overwhelming because I know I'll never have it again for real. I hope I never forget. I recently found one of his t-shirts in the hamper. It was buried in the folds of a laundry bag and I must have missed it. It still had his scent on it. I folded it up again in the bag. I will never wash it.

I've had several dreams about my DH since he left. At first they were very emotional and/or about him being passed on but still alive somehow. The last few days they've taken on a different form. They're not about him but he's there, in the background, often not saying a word. The one last night was the same - he was just there, part of the fabric of my life. It's how I woke up that shook me. My hand was cupped around the remote I'd left on the bed. That remote has been there every night for weeks and I've never touched it. This morning I was holding it in the same position as he and I would hold hands the last few days of his life, when he just wanted to know I was there. As I came to I just kept looking at my hand. It's not that I thought he was really there but that I couldn't believe he wasn't. The feeling of him beside me seemed so real. I know many of you of had dreams of your spouses. I would love to hear if/how those dreams have spilled over into real life.

So sorry you have to deal with this. I was thinking along the same lines as Nonesuch. Interest rates are still low and you may be able to get a HELOC. You wouldn't need much, if that's a concern, just enough to cover the taxes. That said, it could put you past the deadline but call whichever governmental entity you pay taxes to and find out what the options are. If they know you're working it out, they may give you an extension. It's cheaper for them to give you another couple of weeks than to initiate a sale. If you still have a mortgage, talk to the lender. They may advance you the amount or amortize it into your payment. Again, it's in their best interest. If there's a tax sale, they stand to lose whatever balance is left. Best of luck.

Oh, Blue Green, that's a lot on your shoulders. I'm so sorry for your loss and for your boys' loss. You're still in such early days. There's so much coming at you and I completely understand that overwhelming feeling of wanting to fix every problem. Give it time. Not only will it look different to you in a few months but things/solutions may occur to you that haven't yet. I'm only 6 1/2 months out, but some of the things I was so worried about at first have developed in ways I couldn't have imagined then. My son was 15 when his dad died. We had called the paramedics and one of the police officers who came with them had lost his dad about the same age. He told me my son would be fine. He said there was something about seeing his mother do everything in her power to take care of her family that made him so grateful for her. It helped him become a man.

You're crazy for feeling guilty about this. Don't judge yourself too harshly. Just take your time.

I was just talking to a friend today about this. I had to buy a car when I moved back to my hometown after hubby died. I knew what I wanted but was talking myself out of it. It finally hit me that was HIS voice in my head, telling me that I didn't really want what I wanted. It was kind of a lightning bolt to realize that I could buy anything I could afford without having to discuss or negotiate or convince him. I finally got the car I had wanted for years. To me, it's part of the processing of where our lives are now, our new reality, both good and bad. It doesn't mean you don't love him or want him. I would quickly trade the freedom I've gained to have him with me again. But the reality is he's not coming back and I have to make peace with everything that means.

I'm a little over 6 months in and I alternate between wearing his and mine together, and a beautiful vintage ring he gave me on our anniversary 3 years ago. It was meant to represent our new beginning after a rough patch. Our Christmas present to each other last year was new rings and we renewed our vows - with our 14 year old officiating (!). This was about 4 months before DH passed away. He had tears in his eyes because it meant to much to him. For now, I'm following what feels right. I love all three of them but some days it seems like I'm perpetuating a fraud. They just don't feel right. On other days, I can't imagine being without them. Wrapped up in all that is my self-image: am I ready to be seen as a single woman. I can imagine a time coming soon, though, when I take them off for good. None of it diminishes my love for him.

I definitely did some pre-grieving. My first huge breakdown was about 3 1/2 months before he passed away. One night I asked him a question about the dinner I was making. He thought and then he said "Here's what you do" with a facial expression I'd seen a million times. It hit me that soon I would never see it again and would never have his help in the kitchen. Later, when we knew for sure the chemo wasn't working and it was only a matter of time, I told myself the reality was that life was going to be hard for a long time. Somehow that took the pressure off later. It helped me to steel myself for the pain to come, and to put me in the mindset of making his last days as happy and comfortable as possible. It also allowed me to put things in motion while I was still thinking fairly clearly: I reached out to my lieutenants and gave them names and numbers of people I wanted them each to contact when the time came. When the time did come, I just said "Go" and they did the rest. In turn, I could concentrate better on my children and my mother-in-law.

Fuck people who ask me how I am then interrupt me when I try to tell them. Fuck having to move back to a city I now hate because I couldn't stay in one I loved. Fuck losing not only my husband and closest friend, but our dreams and hopes as a couple. Fuck that he was taken from me just when I thought we finally got everything we wanted. Fuck that he will never again be able to tell me what to do and how to do it, that I won't be irritated and then realize he was right. Fuck seeing the picture I found today on his phone, a selfie taken late in his illness that was filled with so much pain and despair. Fuck how sick he was at the end, more images that are had to get out of my head. Fuck. this. shit.

Thank you, Gussie. I'm so sorry for your loss and that of your son. What a tough time to lose his Dad.

I believe that acknowledging who and where you are, even if it's a hard truth, is the best way to have peace of mind. Following the "should" school of behavior is the quickest way to internal confusion and bad decisions. "Should" gives us a framework of how to think act that's externally motivated and may not be coming from a place that's real for us. All of that is a long way of saying that you sound to me like you're in a real place. Right now you believe the best years of your life may be behind you, but you're still open to joy and love and life and beauty. What else could anyone want? Continue to embrace the truth of where you are and use it to take you someplace new. Personally, I think your kids are lucky to have a parent who is so in tune with their inner self.

I'm 6 months out from losing my husband - just a little bit more than you - and I want to echo what some people before have said so beautifully. People really do want to help but a lot of them don't know how. They've never experienced loss and just don't know what to do. Just this week I got a very sweet message from someone I hadn't heard from since the memorial. She'd been thinking of me but would get so wrapped up in her day she forgot to reach out. Somehow it meant even more to me after all this time. Don't give up on people yet. Though I've never had a loss this deep, I have also lost my father and a sister, so I had some idea what to expect. I prepared my kids by telling them that some people will amaze you and some will disappoint you during this time. It's always true, and the amazing ones are often the people you don't expect. I'm the strong one in my family, keeping everyone else going emotionally and physically, and making decisions when no one else wants to. My husband traveled constantly for work, and I took care of everything in his absence, so help is not something I was familiar with. But something that hit me soon after H passed was that LETTING people help me was like a gift I was giving back to them. I know...we're the ones who've lost something precious, why do we also have to be generous? But by giving them that gift, by giving them a space to show their humanity and kindness, it made me feel better, too. I like that people showed their best sides, especially in the world we live in, and no one that I asked refused the call. It also allowed me to tune into my grief better, understanding the difference between a rough day and a "please help because I can't do this by myself" moment.

Hi all, Nice to meet you, sorry we all have to be here. I'm Lola and brand new. I lost my husband on March 28 of this year. I can still hardly type that sentence without tears. He had pancreatic cancer and died at age 52. Fourteen months from perfectly healthy person with a bright future, to someone who isn't here anymore. Since he passed, we've gotten through his birthday, our son's 16th birthday, and what would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. Our daughter's 20th is coming up next week. That's a lot to process in 6 months. As you all know, the "firsts" are hardest to endure. Thanks for having this site.