fairlanegirl

Said it before and I'll say it again - Truly, Madly, Deeply - a bit out there, but Juliet Stevenson crying's was the most messily realistic I had ever seen. And Alan Rickman was, as always, wonderful.

Nola I know nothing of you but your post, but 12 years on, one night a week, with teens, following what you refer to as an abusive marriage, and widowhood? Your mum is overreacting. As has been said, she probably had a narrative about how all your lives would be, and you've upset it. A kind talk in order as also mentioned? I was an old slapper with two young children who had a bloke staying here a couple of nights a week only a year on, not always easy times, but very good now, and we love each other and have been together eight years. I still love my husband too. Good luck with your new love, it's always a gamble, but hope it works out.

We started lockdown here last week for at least four weeks, my bloke of several years is with his father who is in his 80s and has emphysema, so it is best, while I am here with my kids. Fortunately I still have work at home. Also to be honest, the four of us stuck in one place for a month would get a bit tetchy...he is better off, having lost his job, to be at home with his stuff, projects etc. We talk on the phone every day, not that there is much to report! At this stage, I'm OK with it too. Been through far worse, like us all, and the kids are pretty good. I suspect he misses us more than we miss him, much as I / we love him. And sometimes, I've learned, that's not such a bad thing.

Hi, rather not give my name, no bad reason but where I live is a pretty small place so prefer to keep some privacy! My husband died at 43 in an accident back in 2011, a few days before a devastating quake hit my town. It was like the Four Horsemen of the Feckin' Apocalypse had all turned up at once. Now Pestilence has made an appearance (fortunately Famine is unlikely to soon, as the supermarkets are still open!) and my country, surreally, goes into Covid-19 lockdown for at least a month in just under half an hour. I have two daughters now aged 11 and 14, and a new relationship of some years. I still have days when I can't believe my lovely husband is not here, but we have come a long way. It has been hard work but thanks to good friends and family and love and sheer bloody-mindedness, we are doing OK. That my youngest does not remember her Daddy, and my oldest barely does, breaks my heart. And the pain for my in-laws, who are such lovely people. Julie, your post resonated especially with me, and Maureen, you have always been a wonderful presence. I joined YWBB soon after my husband was killed and used to read it all the time; bizarrely, the social posts especially. I think I wanted to be reassured that there was a life beyond the hell I was experiencing. My heart really, really goes out to newer widows and widowers compelled to self-isolate or in national or local lockdowns. I just want to give you all the world's biggest hug. If this had been 7 or 8 years ago, let alone nine, I would be absolutely beside myself, devastated at being stuck at home like this. I know for some folks it is the opposite and hibernating is soothing, but I needed a lot of distraction and human interaction. As it is the prospect of isolation doesn't thrill me, but I know I'm strong enough to make it work now. Virgo, I'm impressed you're all excited about that, apparently DIY stores here too were inundated with customers! I work from home so juggling kids too, but intending to make as much time for them as I can.

I rarely come on this part of the forum, it's too hard, but will just to say, I am 9 years out now, and it never gets 'easy' but it does get manageable, and you will build a new life, slowly. You will smile, and laugh, and maybe even love again. (Which sounds like some awful meme, but it's true). There is something about the finality of being widowed that forces you, eventually, to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other through the horror. Coming on the previous forum to this and reading posts from people further along was a great support for me. Don't be surprised if you look back one day and realise you were a little deranged at times. You will also be grateful to those who helped, even if it's a blur now. They will be like gold. Nothing can stop the hurt, but as you go along and stand on your own feet again, you realise how great it was to have practical help, and a routine to hang your life off, distraction. Oh, and a sense of humour at times. Take care.

Nine years on and I have been to a couple of funerals of people my age or younger and found myself on the 'other side' so to speak. You also realise how many people you must have encountered yourself in the same situation (widowed) over the years without even realising. Now I find "There's nothing to say" or "It's just horrible" my best, really. The (harsh but realistic) reality is, when it is someone you don't know, or know well, it doesn't affect you emotionally that much, so you will just be polite, I guess. The anger will indeed ease. For one thing, it just gets too tiring. Looking back, fortunately I hardly had any inappropriate remarks made to me, though my in-laws did. And also looking back, I was probably half-deranged for the best part of a year. That's what folks don't expect, I think. Not the devastation and sadness, but that horror and madness.

Kiwis are a pretty reserved lot with regard to personal remarks so in almost nine years I've only had this kind of thing once - ironically from a Canadian ! I think I was so taken aback I said nothing. I have though found a difference between people who call themselves solo parents when it fact they have say week-about custody (which I'm sure brings its own issues, but no, you are not a solo parent) and those who are logistically the same as me, if not for the same reason - because the child's father buggered off and is not on the scene at all. These women (haven't come across men but of course they are out there, just not in my circle) have become good friends, or even closer friends, as for purely practical, if not emotional or financial purposes, we are similar, and some of them have also been a great source of support and general life hacks around being a single parent.

I remember you from the early days, on the other board, Mrs Dan. That is lovely news, all the very best.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time Rob. Won;t send prayers as I'm not a believer but very best wishes. You've been here even longer than me and as Tybec said, always have something thoughtful to contribute. Good on you for recognizing that you need to take a break. So many people talk about relationships being hard work, and I know everyone is different, and we shouldn't give up when the going gets a bit tough, but when you've had one that was so easy, you know it doesn't have to be a slog. My bloke said the same as PaulZ's girlfriend, I guess some of us widowed folks were spoiled with our 'norm'.

Surely the devil in the detail here - it really depends on what's going on and how much people really know about the situation? As in, there is a difference between criticizing someone's parenting because the kids have untidy rooms, just as an example, and mum or dad collapsing in a booze- or drug-addled heap every night and neglecting them? I guess if you are thinking of making a comment, it must be pretty obviously bad?

RAM, don't beat yourself up. When my bloke and I do text, we reply to each other, and fairly promptly. I would definitely want an explanation otherwise. And seeing each other once a week anyway would be too little for me most of the time too. At the risk of being crude, well you know, it'd be frustrating, for one thing! My guy is usually here most of weekend and one night in week. The rest of the time I'm happy enough to do my own thing, with the odd phone call. TBH I have two kids here including a 14-year-old, and things can get pretty tense/awful between him and her, so wouldn't want to be living together right now. I guess the peace and just being able to cope by myself with the kids is enough the rest of the time.Feeling secure in the knowledge he loves me helps even when he isn't here. Re going away and not being in contact, I've always been a 'no news is good news' kind of person. Or rather was, until my husband was killed in an accident. Now if I travel, I will text on arrival, at my boyfriend's request, as he is a worrier. So I guess that is my long-winded way of saying, wanting to see your fella more is not necessarily 'insecure'. Wanting responses to texts is not needy, it's normal. I don't know how long you've been going out with this guy, but mine is a long-standing relationship of several years so I feel secure enough to ask for what I need: I know it's harder at the beginning when you don't always know how to talk to each other about things.

Shows we are all different - I've been happily with a fellow for seven years now who I love but don't live with, and we can go 2-3 days without contact. I pretty much know when he will turn up and we know we love each other: we just don't need to be in contact every single day.

Not saying it will help, or there are any parallels to your situation, but go see Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore that just came out, remake of a Chilean film.

Ooh, not so sure about that: in this part of the world up to a couple of decades ago 'confirmed bachelor' used to be the code for 'gay chap' 🙂

Thank you for sharing that, she had some good points and expressed them well.

That is lovely. You were ahead of your time 🙂

One of those 'same planet different worlds' discussions - with the greatest respect it's very hard for me to understand why anyone would change their name at all, let alone because the bloke really wanted them to - why doesn't he change his?! I've never understood this, even as a child. It seems a huge controlling red flag to me, if a woman is reluctant. Some idiots say (not to my face, here in NZ keeping your name is v common and I doubt with me they'd dare) 'Well it is a 'man's name' - your father's - haha' type of thing - to which I would reply well, 1) It had been my name too for 31 years, and 2) I have three brothers - bet no one has ever said 'Ooh but it's your father's name' to them! Different strokes for different folks....

You can do it gently. I remember saying to a couple of people, 'Um. maybe I'm not really the right person to vent about that to?' If they still don't get it, well, that's another story. Eight years out, I probably wouldn't bother unless someone really annoyed me. I never moaned about my husband though, and fortunately my friends and family don't really moan about their spouses and exes.

No you are not nuts. And yes you picked the right group of people! I don't feel my husband around, but a few months after he died in 2011 I was just checking emails in my home office and heard really distinctive breathing. I wasn't meditating or anything. It was very strange. But was it in my head? No idea. It has never happened since. I think of myself as an open-minded sceptic, and since opening up to a couple of people about this kind of thing, I have heard similar, or verifiable stories of precognition, ghosts. I think more people have these experiences than we realise, but like you, don't want people to think they are mad! I do also think some folks are more attuned to this than others. I've also learned (the hard way) that you have to be a bit careful who you open up to about this kind of thing, and mediums. It never occurred to me that people might be disturbed by it, because I'm pretty matter of fact, and an agnostic-bordering-on-atheist, but I had a couple of friends who in hindsight, I can see were freaked out. One was a Christian, the other brought up a strict Catholic but not now practising, and I think they may have associated it all with the occult. But another Christian friends was totally fine.

They do indeed, it's not that my entire existence revolves around the kids, at all. (Not sure if that's what you meant, sorry if it's not) Having a fancy man + children is rather nice 🙂 and we may cohabit before the youngest is out the door, but for various reasons , am happy with status quo at the moment.

I very much understand this. I have been with a new partner for seven years and we still have separate households. He has no children, I have two aged 13 and 9, and he is here about half the week. We have talked of marriage in the future--he has never been married, so it would be nice to do this for him--but to be honest, logistically and emotionally, it won't be for a while. As others have said, when you throw children into the mix...I have a teen that clashes with him, which brings tension, and much as I love him, he can be a real glass-half-empty person (parents from Yorkshire, he can't help it 🙂) at times, and a bit moody, which gets quite wearying mentally to be around. I wasn't used to it with my DH, and fear it might start to get me down if it was all the time. I can really relate to just wanting PEACE and a non-toxic home environment. I think after being widowed, we value calm and things just going along relatively happily. My children enjoying each other's company without fighting, my work going well, seeing friends, these are all so precious too. For his part, time away from my kids, doing his own thing and looking after his dad are good. He has never cohabited with anyone, so I think this suits us both for the moment. The first couple of years he had religious friends asking him when we were getting married, but they seem to have stopped. I think people get into this 'go out with someone-buy house-shack up/marry' mentality (which I very happily did the first time round) as if that's the natural progression, when particularly as we get older, some of us have a more 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' mentality. And in Western societies, we are fortunate to be able to make such choices, because of course in many places, especially for widows, one doesn't have such choices. Klim when you said 'And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve. ' that really resonated with me. I can see the BF and I off travelling, living together, doing our various things when the kids have left maybe. Right now, 3 nights a week is perfect. Sounds like you have a nice arrangement, no hurry to spoil it. As long as he knows you love him.

This resonates with me. I used to walk around feeling so buoyant and loved and lucky with my DH; I don't have that same euphoric feeling with my new (well, almost seven years) bloke, but I know we really do love each other, and it feels good in its own, different way. I think death took away my 'lightness' in that respect, but it doesn't mean I love new fellow any less. It's complicated, eh. I guess it helps that I am not prone to overthinking, something I've only really realized since being widowed. Never been a goal-setter in life either, and managed just fine. We all know better than most that life can completely mess up any plans anyway. I understand though that if your personality is different to this, you have to take a different tack. All the best. I'd say, just enjoy. I had been in a few relationships before my husband, so knew what felt right, I guess, and realized this new bloke was in my heart, and I wanted him to stay there. You love him but don't see yourself staying with him? What's missing? Only you know. Be careful not to self-sabotage though.

Bless him, that has to be a shared custody thing; when you have your children just you, all the time (much as you love them), well, this would drive me (even more) insane!

I can't help feeling it might be a bit late for 21 and 25 year old blokes starting to bake Christmas cookies...Yes it will be hard for your sons with you having a new partner, but pandering to them by cooking and waiting around for them to call the shots on your Christmas Day also won't help them, or any future partners they may have, who likely will expect grownup behaviour. These guys are adults and can do their own thing. Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.

Goodness, with all due respect, if they are going to be like that, I wouldn't even make anything for them, and sure as heck wouldn't be 'cleaning up' especially at 21 and 25! I understand you may have a different view/tradition. As Abitlost said, they are adults well and truly, and obviously not interested in Christmas (fair enough), so I'd just leave them to it and go have a lovely time with you new fella. Don't let them dictate your holiday, they are not wee kids that have to be fed by you.