fairlanegirl

If it is any help, I moved mine to the right hand a few months after and they have stayed there for the last seven years. I am also in a relationship but imagine even if we marry, those rings will stay, I can't see myself ever taking them off and my boyfriend isn't bothered (if he were, I doubt we'd be together TBH). I wouldn't expect people to guess your situation but equally, found they are unlikely to ask about them at all. I think one person ever has in my case, assuming they were new engagement/wedding rings and not really thinking as in the Anglosphere they are usually on the left hand. I guess a lot of women may also wear mother's old rings etc on different hands. Mike is right, there will be a few awkward moments, whatever you do. These days if someone asked what my husband did I could say, 'Not much, he's dead!' but early on, it would have been like being stabbed. My husband also died in an accident, at 43, though no one else was involved. My heart really goes out to you x

Seven years past in February here and everything you say about sadness and tears resonates. Went to see Bohemian Rhapsody at the weekend and cried through so much of it, would have cried anyway about poor Freddie, but we all know at times like that for us it is more, like the floodgates open. I'm doing it now as I type. I have a good man again but he has not got the best of me, I feel sometimes. Just worn out with being widowed. Eddie - ' I can function but I notice I am not as able to concentrate to my best level. It’s more like a slight fatigue.' is so true.

People don't experience loss in the same way though; he may be genuinely befuddled. Going to the cemetery with you - maybe he thought it would help? I don't tell my bloke when I am going, he doesn't ask, I realise that is not possible for everyone. He is perfectly comfortable about my widowed status though. SW you make a good point: those of us further out do tend to be more tolerant, if that's the word, than those raw earlier times. Without knowing any more, I wouldn't write the poor bugger off as a psychopath!

I'm with Portside here TBH, at least the lady cared enough to say something, and acknowledge that it is indeed tough, rather than giving her some silly positive thinking message or worse. It was succinct and to the point. 'Tough' can cover a lot of things too, from having a cold, to serious mental health issues to losing your home to losing a loved one to...

Yes! My insurance company here in NZ does exactly the same - seven years too...What is it with them? They are the only ones who do it. And it's not the 'estate' that is paying the premiums, it's 100% me, for goodness' sake. It also took them years and two requests to remove the written-off bike he was killed on from the bloody policy... On another note though, I still get a mailer addressed to him every few months that I have not contacted, as it is the only other thing that still turns up with his name on it, and not 'estate' obviously. We all know how evidence of their existence seems to slowly be erased, so I am still happy to get these, though I never open them. Strange how we go (or at least I went) from being stabbed in the heart each time it happens, to glad for it.

Not sure why you need an excuse not to go out with someone? You are obviously not keen on him, let the both of you waste no more of each other's time!

Rubbish, it's dishonest. Whether women do it or not is irrelevant, straw man there. Thankfully I didn't have to step into the online minefield...

I'd counter that PEOPLE can be thoughtless, ain't no male monopoly on that! You're doing well not to respond - I suspect even after seven years I would, gently of course...

I didn't mean 'dating' two people at once - sorry if it came across that way - that has not been a 'thing' here either until recently perhaps, more of a US thing (I'm in NZ)? I used to watch American telly and when they talked about 'seeing other people' and 'going exclusive' always wondered how that worked - does one just shag a few at a time until deciding?! Things cut to the chase physically pretty quickly in this part of the world so that's what it sounds like, not snogging and going to the movies :-) Anyway I digress badly - I just meant that to me, you and this other lady seem to be kind of served up on a plate for him to pick from, without a lot of agency on your part, like you're all waiting gratefully for this bloke to choose. I guess in my book, someone is either really into you and only you, or not: if not, I wouldn't bother.

Thanks for the further explanation Shelly I'd still run a mile, agree with what others have said about what he has said, goodness. Pretty shitty way to treat the other woman too, frankly, unless maybe she knows and his happy with that? Is that a cultural thing? With all due respect, are you just there to be 'chosen'?

He 'couldn't make up his mind'?! 'From his class'?! Must be nice to have these two women dangling, bloody 'ell, as we say in this part of the world, what a guy! And considering getting engaged to someone he doesn't even really care about, so his kids can have an instant replacement mother, gosh that's magnanimous of him, does she know? I'm not sure where you are in the world shelly, but and if this is a usual sort of thing, but 'Run, Forrest, run!' would be my advice. It's unlikely this will end well. This gentleman likely needs some time to himself. By 'quickly' it is possible too his wife didn't mean quite that quickly...

Seven years out and six years into a new relationship, still see my in-laws with the children (12 and 9) a couple of times a year, and the children see them another time or two (they live far away). I guess I'm lucky in that I love them, and they have always treated me like family even after I met someone else, which is something I'm grateful for. They are just lovely people who have lost so much. Your children are adults, so as others have said, they can continue to see the in-laws without you, and also as others have said, it depends on your relationship with them. We do some holidays together, some not, and that seems to work OK on a case by case basis.

Needytoo you might find as time goes on that not living together becomes less of a 'thing'. We are so used to the go out with someone - move in - maybe marry pattern that we and others often assume that's the only way, when there are many ways to be committed to each other. BF and i don't live together as logistics and he has a dad at home he keeps an eye on, and over time my kids and I have got used to him being half the time at his, half at ours, and actually, it works well. Everyone gets their own space too. If anything I don't see us permanently under the same roof for five or more years, until children are older, and fine with that. I realize if you live far apart it would be harder.

Dragonfly, you're in exactly the right place. To add my two cents, another different experience - I never 'dated' as such, it is more of a thing here these days (I'm in NZ) than when I was younger but I honestly think I could not have done online. I ended up with someone I'd known years ago, who helped out with chores every few months after my husband died. So the children (they were six and three) knew him a bit before we became an item. He said he would've waited as long as I wanted but ahem, it took a whole two weeks before he was staying over three nights a week. I knew myself well enough to know it wouldn't be long. And don't have any beliefs surrounding premarital sex, children seeing a bloke sleeping in the same bed as me, etc. That said, it would indeed have been much harder with older more 'aware what mummy is doing' children, I think. And in hindsight (we are happily at 6 years now), it was a gamble. But I would never have actually got to be in an adult relationship with him otherwise. Though the reasons may be different, logistically there are actually a lot of people, mainly women, out there in the same position, where the other parent has left entirely or was never there to start with, and they too have been left in charge 24/7. Those friends are nice to have too, they have some understanding.

I would not say anything about not being 'ready' or your sister's memory - if the bloke is this persistent he might think 'Oh one day she'll be "ready" and I'll be there!' And frankly, his behaviour is off even if the two of you weren't widowed. And he must know it but just keeps chancing his arm. Unless there is some info we don't have here, a simple 'No, sorry, I'm just not interested' should suffice. That's not insensitive or mean. We all have to deal with rejection sometimes. I assume you meant 'untouchable' there EW, although it hopefully would put him off making any moves on the sofa :-)

I'd agree with Mizpah here too - you have been very nice, it is probably time to be a bit tougher. Certainly avoid seeing him one on one, but please don't miss out on family occasions you want to attend because of him, that would be going too far. Another thing that struck me was - his kids signed him up for a dating site? It would seem he wasn't ready, although maybe he asked them to? Although I doubt I would ever have had the courage to go online. Interesting to hear that refusing someone politely by saying 'You're a great guy but...' could be construed as encouragement, or rather, leaving the door open. Good grief. When a bloke has said the equivalent to me I've just thought, oh well, he is being nice, letting me down gently,he's not interested, move on. We all know how hard it is losing one's love, but this fellow is being very persistent - do we need to tiptoe around folks' egos that much in this case? He is pushing too hard. And goodness no, I agree, don't say anything to your niece.

I still use husband, or 'husband, who died' if necessary, when husband and boyfriend in same sentence I might say that, or briefly mention I'm a widow. just can't do the 'late' thing yet, after almost 7 years. He was just too young, and it consigns him to the past too much in my mind, when he is there very often. I know that is just me though. Maybe one day. My boyfriend has been with me almost six of those years, and is unfazed. I told him right at the start, truthfully, that he wasn't the consolation prize, and he has the emotional maturity to believe it. And the in-laws are still my in-laws, I feel grateful and happy to still be treated as family.

What Serpico said - without knowing your circumstances. My partner and I are not cohabiting or married but have talked about it and it is likely one day. I would have no need for a big do, although happy enough to have one, but he has never been married, would love to marry one day, and has a lot of nice friends whom I'm sure would love to be there for his 'big day', so I would do it for him. Am sure there is a compromise there somewhere.

Yes, yes and yes.

Thankfully I have not had to deal with this but it sounds like you sending an email could not really make it any worse! It may be their business but you are having to put up with all this nonsense, so I think you're entitled to say your piece. You seem to have been very reasonable. Again, it always makes me wonder, these folks can't have always been 'crazy' can they, or were big red flags ignored early on before they had children? Humans and the dynamics of relationships are complex, eh.

In a way, as an agnostic - only not an atheist because I don't see how you can prove God doesn't exist - I envy you that a little, quite genuinely. I'm coming round to a belief in some sort of afterlife but still the thought of going there, or to be honest, being left behind if my bloke does, even with the possibility of seeing my beloved husband again, is scant comfort. I don't panic, but I find if my fellow is a bit late coming round, thoughts do start to filter into my mind, and I have to push them down. My husband was also killed in an accident.

Here you often see 'XX and XX (deceased), actually. For school applications and contacts I have put my name, my partner's name and added a note with her dad's name and the fact that he is dead. Not a fan of late either, though don't mind if others use it, I would have before. I would tell them you definitely don't want 'late', and if they can't respect that, it's a bit crap, frankly.

Bit off topic but women are no more 'ruthless' as a gender - some humans are, some aren't. One is after all, only getting one side of the story from these fellows... All these nasty, 'crazy' exes we seem to hear about, must have had something pretty darned attractive about them initially, or for many years even, if the guy had several children with them! People change of course, but women are no more or less likely to than men. And Bunny, I might be similar to you. New bloke now for 5 years, committed in every way but not in a hurry to cohabit or marry. Kids happy the way things are, logistics, and just emotionally don't feel I need it/am ready for it. But like your fellow (mine is 54) he has never been married, so we have discussed it and he would like to one day, and I'd be happy to for him, just don't feel the urgent need. Funny how we change over the years.

I get it.

Well spotted oneoftwo - are you now outed as a fellow Kiwi? :-) Rainy old night here in Quake City. I like that saying that goes something like, 'May you live to be 100 years old, and may I live to be 100 less a day'. Wouldn't even want to inflict a day of this on a beloved now, so think I'd reverse them. 6 1/2 years here.