Sugarbell

Happy to see this site back up! 15 years in Sept (2007)-My kids were babies. My oldest just finished his first year of college and is on the college golf team majoring in History/Political Science. My younger son will be a Senior. I am teaching high school back in my childhood hometown and have my younger son in homeroom (it's pretty neat) My daughter will be starting high school in a month, but is going to the "city" public school 30 miles away because she has turned into a crazy sports kid and wants to play for a bigger school. I got out of a 5 year relationship this past Nov (no not remarried)- and am dating now in my 50's. It's actually still fun!

Thanks tybec! It has indeed been an interesting year. Hoping everyone is staying safe this holiday season. Happiness hacks are awesome! The past 8 months I have spent quite a bit of time hiking in the woods and it elevates my mood! Trees, nature and fresh air is added to your list. Happy Thanksgiving!

I have been with my guy for over 3 years. We are exclusive but do not live together, we aren't engaged, no plans to get married any time soon. Normally this would bother me, especially after dating for a while. In this case, it's all either one of us can give each other right now. So really it works. Do I want more? Maybe someday, right now I like having my little place in town and being the only one in the drivers seat with my 3 teenagers. I don't want to take on his kids, his ex, his family baggage. About 9 years ago I had a 5 month "marriage"- it was a disaster. (about 3 years after being widowed)- It was the basement below my rock bottom. So I take everything now one day at a time.

I get this. It's a familiar feeling from 12 years ago. During this period of "social distancing" our school has been closed (along with most around the country)- Well, my boss- our head high school principal killed herself. The shock and trauma this little town in feeling is so familiar to the shock I felt when DH died from suicide 12.5 years ago. So yeah, I get this. It's an eerie time for me. Colleagues are reaching out to me for advice on handling the anger and shock and I really don't want to talk about it. Ugh- dreading going back to school (I work with behavioral disordered, learning disordered students. So many are broken and depressed anyway- I know this death of our school leader is going to send some over the edge) So yeah DragonTears, I hear you! Vent away, cause I am doing the same thing on your thread! lol- Hope you are doing well.

Hi I am sugarbell, I was on the old board as well. I was widowed at age 36 to suicide with 3 kids under the age of 5. Fast forward 12 1/2 years- they are all teenagers, two driving and the other one in middle school. This quarantine has made me reflect more on my early days of being on the board, widowed, having tiny kids. This is the first time in years that all 3 of my kids are home 24/7. I am also a high school teacher, so I am home with them. It's a bizarre familiarity to me. Reminds me so much of when I didn't work and they were all home with me. It also has made me think of any new widows out there with young kids during this time ( I don't know how many times I have thought "thank goodness my kids are older while we are on lockdown)- I worked through A LOT of stuff on the old board. This is a great sounding board with great people from all walks of lives. I will be eternally grateful to those who I met along the way, and those who gave me a listening ear when it seemed like no one else was available. I am not here very often, but will be checking in more since we are on "Lock down" for a while in my state. Hugs and support to anyone new joining us.

A wise widower once told me when I first became widowed- "Don't worry about being the only single Mom- You are only 36 (and I had 3 kids under age 5)- By the time you hit 40 and the kids are a little older, they will start all getting divorced" It sounds cynical, but he was right. In my old town of Stepford, 10 years ago I was the only single Mom. Now at least 3/4 of a little group of couples in my sons grade- they are now divorced. Now, I know about just as many single parents as I do married parents.

CW- I get this to an extent. NG youngest is 18- thank God she is a Senior this year (very immature 18 year old, but at least she will be out of school) The crazy ex will always be there. It's something I struggle with, yet its gotten much better since she has a steady sugar daddy. I do sometimes feel like I am behind his Mother, kids, farm, etc. It gets old. He tries to make a conscious effort, but its still at times aggravating. I don't think I am not moving on because of the ex, its all the other issues. Somedays, not sure we ever will get to that place. For now, I am ok with it. His ex is still bat shit crazy..bought a car very similar to my old car (so I traded my old one in and got a new one)- Sugar Daddy and her bought a house together. Tiny brick ranch like mine. On New Years we took all of our kids to the mountains ski resort. She goes to the other ski resort. (But has never skied and used to hate the mountains) When I changed my FB profile pic to NG and myself in the mountains..within an hour she changed hers to her and new guy..wearing the same type of hat and scarf I had on. We have a handful of mutual friends who brought it to my attention. It's just bizarre. So I stay away, no contact. In 3 years, I am polite but cool. She's just too crazy for me to get involved in that mess. Like you, I focus on my kids and I will admit, I no longer focus much on his. It's too much drama/jealousy on the ex's part so I am nice, but my kids are my top priority. Selfish, yes..Self preservation-yes. Staying in my bubble- absolutely.

He wants his cake and eat it too. He has fleeting moments of missing you, don't bite. Ignore him. What a tool!

It was 12 years this past September. When he died I had 3 kids under age 5. I became a pill head (opiates) My addiction stalled my healing for the first 4 years after his death. I dated a lot, but was a mess. Had a 5 month marriage that luckily got annulled. Just an absolute train wreck. At about 4.5 years-Decided it was time to get my shit together. I have been in long term recovery from opiates for 8 years this February. I have had a few 2-3 year relationships. In a relationship now with a wonderful man (going on 3 years)- Marriage is NOT on the horizon anytime soon. I like our situation just the way it is. Maybe when my kids are grown and gone, maybe not. Who knows if I will ever remarry? Renewed my teaching license and picked up a few extra endorsements. Moved the kids back to my childhood hometown. Teach at the high school my boys attend. Honestly, my life is right where I want it. I still talk to DH everyday in my mind, usually about the kids. My relationship with DH is in a good place. I was angry as hell the first 4 years which also helped fuel my addiction. If I have learned anything, its that every situation is unique with unique circumstances.

So you have all his numbers/info blocked? You can no longer receive texts?- That is the only way I have ever been able to have a successful clean break. After 3 months, I am sure he is missing aspects of your relationship. Right now though, you can't be platonic friends. It hurts too much on your part. Block all contact. The Christmas Card was just stupid of him. I am sure it wasn't sent with malice, but he wasn't thinking. I am sorry you were sick on Christmas Eve. Hope you are healing and getting better over the rest of the Holidays.

I would struggle if I stayed 4-5 days at one house then weekends at my house. Focus on your house. Look at his place as your "getaway" 3 year relationship and we have not blended. I don't see it happening in the immediate future. We are on the same page with this. If you are both on the same page and in agreement, it can work out. Actually, you can have the best of both worlds in my opinion. I have found that boundaries are important in this type of situation. Boundaries for the kids, boundaries to protect you, boundaries for your BF. I know you said your kids are adults (and technically they are)- However, 21 with mental health issues. That can take more energy than a 10 year old. I don't know the right answer, dating is so hard middle age with each person having their own set of "issues and stuff". Does your BF have grown kids? I don't try to take care of his house. Sometimes my son will go out and help him mow or weed-eat, but for the most part his house is his responsibility and my house is mine (Although with handy man fix it stuff, he helps me far more than I help him so it's unbalanced- I recognize this and am appreciative) Just take time to take care of you and don't overextend yourself with responsibilities.

Just saw this too, chiming in very late. Not yet, we haven't had problems. My daughter is only 12 though. My boys are just loud and I believe my oldest has alot of suppressed anger. But not at the level of needing therapy/medication. As a high school teacher, we see this more and more with incoming freshmen (14 year olds)- Both boys and girls cutting, self harm, eating disorders, etc. I am not sure why the sudden spike. With your daughter being adopted, do you have any access to her biological parents health history? That could shed some light and help you understand what you might be dealing with. And yes, it passes for many. Hang in there Momma! You are doing the right thing and being there for her. Teenage years are tough under the best of circumstances.

I have a hard time with the whole gift giving too. Receiving and giving with NG. Yes, he knows. I think he was relieved that I wasn't looking for a husband immediately. We had the discussion about two years ago. We are in year 3. He won't ever "leave" out there. If his Mom would pass away, he would be open to living somewhere else and keeping the land (where they all now live) as a hunting camp. It's really not fit for anyone to live out that far in my opinion. LOL..Yes, as a camp- but not as a residence. My excuse is "My 3 kids are so active and so involved and I live 2 minutes from the schools"- He knows exactly how I feel. I think he's scared I am going to just be done with all of it. My kids like him, they don't need any disruptions right now and it works since I am independent and busy..but sometimes well, its really not enough. The pickings are slim here. I didn't move back to my hometown for my social life though. LOL

You are absolutely correct Tybec. I am sure you have a sense of relief to be away from all of it- Yes, I am sure sadness and shock too, but yet relief. I can't do it. I know this. We will not live together or get married until his Mom is gone. That may never happen. (because my intuition tells me she will outlive him) She never helped in child rearing, she is very very codependent and he has to take care of her. It's just weird.It has definitely made me put on the brakes in our relationship. We are exclusive, but I am very busy during the week, and enjoy the occasional companionship on the weekends. The entire family is so dysfunctional- it's like beyond anything I ever imagined existed. I grew up in this area and had no idea families in this area were this way. He is a wonderful man. But way too much baggage for anything beyond what we have now.

NG went off on his Mom. The co-dependent needy Mom that he has to pick up every evening, run her all over town for errands..take her with him to Friday night football games. It's so dysfunctional I can't even explain all of it. It's a very unhealthy family- Typical extended Appalachian family..all talk about each other, argue, take sides, fight over land..It's just insane. Anyway, I figure it will be back to the normal unhealthy no boundaries relationship within a few days..but this was a first since we have been dating. They aren't speaking. He really did blow up, but it's been brewing for months now. (It involved my sons..family land..just a mess. I marked her off a long time ago,- Seriously you wouldn't believe it unless you were there. This type of upbringing is even foreign to me and I have grown up in WV)- Good God. One of the many reasons I don't see us ever marrying until Momma is gone and my kids are grown.

Thank you all. For some reason, this year is more evident with my sons. They were babies..only 3 and 4 years old when DH passed. They are now 15 and 16..both over 6'4..They resemble their Dad in so many ways. They have almost become men. It's been just me. All the experiences, memories, pictures over the past 12 years its been just Mom and kids. It's become the norm for them. But some years, during a certain time of year..It all flashes back. It especially does for my oldest, who has a few faint memories. It's hard to explain. It will always be there and I have learned to accept it. I hate though when my children hurt. It's usually my oldest too. It might be because he has a few memories, it might be his personality. It might be because this little boy pretty much became a man overnight after his Dad's suicide ( not pressure from me, or anyone..but he changed..we all saw it) My kids are my inspiration, yet I can't help but worry. For the first time in YEARS, I felt angry at DH for dying. Seeing my son cry privately really tore me up this year. Things are much better now. It's October..September passed again and it's back to normal.

I get it..life is now so different, yet other times it seems like yesterday we were in our "old life" Hugs to you. No matter how long, some years it still stings.

Today makes 12 years since B died from suicide. It's my middle son's 15th Birthday. It's the usual...party this weekend for him..Out Of Darkness Walk in the morning...Endless sports activities so I am too tired to think much about it. Volleyball last night away..tonight traveling to golf match. It still hits me, cried last night for the first time in a year over it. NG and middle son and oldest son's girlfriend traveling with me to golf match for oldest son. He has some sadness now over his Dad's death the older he is. It's a lifetime ago, but having kids so young when their Dad died..it's something that always creeps up. Doesn't debilitate us or anything..My kids are well adjusted/well rounded great kids. But that hidden void is always there. Today I have an extra level of exhaustion with work and juggling everything..The hidden "void" is just creeped around my neck. My middle son still doesn't know he Dad killed himself on his birthday. He thinks its the 27th, the day I found his body. I will take that to my grave. And the exhaustion that will always come with "that day".

Congrats!! That's a big deal! I feel the same way with milestones. I don't want to wish my kids childhoods away but everytime each one started Kindergarten, etc, it was a sense of a relief. Like "Ok, we made it this far" LOL- My younger son turns 15 in two weeks- He can get his learners then, but another full year before official license. I will tell you, now that my oldest son has been driving almost a year, it does make juggling a little easier! Congrats again!

Yes Yes Yes! NG lives on his family farm/land. His Mom is right down the hill next door. He drives her everywhere daily. No way in hell would I ever move out there. Something tells me she is also going to outlive him. Extremely needy and he does everything for her. Really wish he wasn't so nice and so damn good looking. Reading what I have posted (between his train wreck kids, crazy family, crazy ex and extremely needy mother) is making me question this whole thing more and more. I am in rural WV. Pickings are very slim and with 3 teenagers I really don't want to be out in the dating scene in my childhood hometown. Ugh!

i knew it wouldn’t be easy..but really our kids are from 2 different worlds. His were spoiled, but both parents..Son wrecks a car or two-buy him new one..numerous DUI, jobs, failed drug tests at work, rehab. Now is living with his moms parents along with girlfriend and new baby. Just a mess. Daughter very very different. Just different work ethic. Actually i keep my kids separate from his entire extended 200 member (or more) family around here. It’s just too bizarre. Future? I doubt it. I don’t want anyone else..but i doubt we ever marry.

This. NG (well its going on 3 years now) and I will never fully blend. His 25 year old son is a train wreck and irresponsible human who takes advantage of his Dad (and everyone) My 16 year old doesn't ever want to me around him. His comment "I have absolutely nothing in common with him and I have no respect for him" My kids are achievers. His children are not. My kids work summer jobs..his kids want handouts. He is a pushover to his kids..I am a hard ass to mine. I refuse to bend when it comes to my kids, I have worked too hard to get them this far. We have college on the horizon. My high school Junior has taken the ACT 3 times to get his score the highest he possibly can for scholarships. His daughter who is a Senior, has yet to ever even take it. You get my drift. our 5 kids will never blend. Sometimes I wonder what is the point, except I do enjoy his companionship and he is a great guy. My middle son says I just stay because "You are in a tiny town and he is a good looking guy., Pickings are limited in these parts Mom". Oh well...Life is indeed a journey.

Yes. My Mom called me out numerous times in my early days. I needed it, but was too out of my mind and took offense to it. One friend called me out (when I was using pills, because on the surface most couldn't tell except the people who really knew me)- With her I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Usually, anytime someone is called out on their parenting, expect them to get defensive and be pissed off. Whether or not they are widowed. 9 times out of 10 though, it needs to be said. I would rather someone call me out to my face as opposed to behind my back. So actually, in the long run- they will respect you for it. (except it may take a while, possibly years) Of course some folks will always stay in denial if they are a shitty parent and look to blame others. So some people it never helps.

My son was 4 when his Dad died. He is now 16. I agree with Portside, the memories did fade. I talk about him, pictures, we visit his old friends once a year. I feel like my son "knows" his Dad through all of these experiences. However, he does have a few isolated memories. He remembers riding on a golf cart with his Dad, his Dad helping with his TBall team briefly...Sometimes he will hear a song and out of the blue will say "Did Dad listen to this?"- And he did in the car with him. He only has a tiny handful of memories, but I am glad he remembers a few positive things. My other two kids were 3 months and 3. They remember nothing. I believe that age 4 is like the cut out when we can selectively have memories. (although I will tell you the older he gets, his mind will be full of new experiences and they will fade. He will probably though be able to remember a few)

I told NG that I like the title "girlfriend" and the grandbaby can call me girlfriend D LOL She had the baby..I didn't go. It actually worked out well, she went into labor during the week..both nights she was in the hospital my kids had tons of activities (dance, ball, work)- I couldn't go. They were all present for the birth. Ugh. NG had to run his Mom up there both nights...ex wives sugar Daddy came in for the birth. But the "girlfriend" was missing in action. I am having the young parents up to . my house for a tiny cookout with the baby. (just them) whenever they get settled in (but they are living with ex wives parents so that may . never happen but I made the offer/gesture)