Sugarbell

Never thought I would go back to the town I was raised in and have such a cultural divide in a relationship. That places this widda journey has taken me.

SS I am really sorry you are having a rough time, bitchy daughter, dog dying and kidney stones (ugh) would make me feel real negative! It;s a jungle out there. My Memorial Weekend was with two of my kids.(My 16 year old had to work at a his new summer job so he stayed with my parents) We went to the mountains, family cemetaries, kayaked, hiked, ziplined. It was a fun time. NG always has his Memorial Day family cookout. We have gone for the past two Memorial day weekends (We used to always go to the mountains on Memorial Day- and went to his cook out instead the past two years)- This year my kids said "No way!"- They don't enjoy it. His extended family is very nice to me..But lets just say they are different. My kids don't enjoy the company. So I wasn't going to push it this year. It's not fair to them. So we went back to our traditions and he did his. (He has to do ALL THE WORK for this cook out thing. Mow a hundred acres, get all the food ready, the smoker griller...He plants over a hundred flowers at the family cemetary where his brother and Dad are buried- Well they are buried on the family farm. It's really kinda like the Hatfield and McCoy's days. And the family all talks about each other, lots of kids with different Dads... Usually some relative just got out of jail, or is on home confinement..in rehab. It's always something. My kids just can't deal with it and I don't want them around it) NG I think was very disappointed we didn't go. I just told him we are going back to our own traditions and my kids don't want to go anymore. Yeah- it's kinda a mess. He did however, come over Memorial Day when we got home and took me for dinner and drinks just the two of us. However, mid life...it's not longer about just the two of us dating. It's all the other stuff that makes it complicated. s

I am so sorry for this family and you and your son. It is just heartbreaking when this happens to young people. We've lost 3 students to suicide at our high school in 20 months. Just breaks my heart. One was a friend of my oldest son. They weren't close, but occasionally ran around in the same group. You are doing the right thing following your sons lead on this. It's such a complex, devastating issue for young people to process.

His family obligations are much more complicated than mine. Bunny- I agree not sure the hang up with marriage/living together to be successful either. Actually I enjoy the space, just do get annoyed with how much is on his plate (driving his elderly Mother around everyday, taking her to dinner, being the doormat for his siblings, doing everything on the family farm)- As far as kids, ex (even thought she is certifiably nuts)-that is to be expected in mid life. All the other stuff, it's almost foreign to me. I don't think I will want "all in" for many years.. Hell maybe never. I like the feeling of raising my kids totally on my own. I don't want to have another person parenting them or making decisions. If I needed a husband, I could find one. As could most of us. (At my 4 year mark, I felt I needed to be married. My rock bottom was my 3 month marriage post widowhood.) Sorry, Just not a co-dependent type. Some people need it. Some of us don't. It's more enjoyable being the exclusive girlfriend.

Yes and No. This will sound bad but i’m in the drivers seat in this relationship. If i would move my kids out there, go along with his family stuff he would marry me next week. But I don’t want to. To me, that would be settling. I’m not emotionally ready for all of it...Honestly, at this season/stage of my life i wouldn’t be ready with anyone.

No. Most relationships are not this way. However, being in a relationship mid life (for me) compared to when I was in a relationship in my 20's is totally different. NG has a life from previous marriage. His children are "higher maintenance" than mine (and they are adults)- I have a preteen and two teenagers. I have worked my rear off to get them where they are now. I won't sacrifice my kids future. My expectations for my kids are very different than his expectations for his children. No, this isn't ideal. But it is what it is. We are exclusive and talk several times a day.. However, our lives are very different with different cultures and expectations. In the beginning I was an "All In" type. He won't work with us, not right now. He's a very loyal and committed boyfriend. He's not a player, I love his character and he is beyond handsome. However, the timing isn't right. It maybe someday, it may not. I maybe a 75 year old girlfriend with a separate house. We may tomorrow and I could fall madly in love with someone else years to come. I just don't know. Life is uncertain. I've learned over the years to just go with the flow..what will be will be.

I get this. This is our third summer as well. The first summer I tried to plan and just got frustrated. I ended up feeling hurt and taken advantage of. I have beach trip planned in July (just my 3 kids and myself) We did the same thing last summer. Last summer also went to NYC with girlfriends. It shocked NG that I just went about my vacations and plans without him last year. Doing the same this year. It's not worth the headache and it was a 3 ring circus with all his "stuff". Mountain trip planned over Memorial Day next week. - Just kids and I. NG and I are going to Hilton Head for 3 days in June-Just us no kids. That's "our time". For me, it's easier to keep it separate. It's the only way that its fair to my kids. First summer I compromised (made my kids go to the county fair because he goes for a week with his daughter, made my kids go to his crazy family summer gatherings)- Not anymore. Haven't in two years. My kids are happier, I am happier. NG is very attentive and tries to spend as much time as he can with me. I think he knows I will not stop my life or my kids life. It works for this season of our life. Will we last forever? No clue. It's a day by day process. Blending Families? Not happening. At least not for a while.

So glad others think it’s strange. When DH and i had each child we wanted NO ONE until the next day. When i told NG this he was shocked. The appalachia culture wants all 100 relatives there. We even rescheduled our trip to Hilton Head which was going to be May 11-14th. She’s due in 2 weeks and i was afraid we would get there, his son would call and we would have to leave. When i told NG if that happened i was staying put he was shocked. i didn’t get why they all have to be there that day..the baby will be around forever. The culture differences are stressful to me. But i’m trying to compromise and not get too worked up with it. I just the girlfriend..i fell myself this more and more often lately.

Been in a relationship going on three years. We do not live together and are not talking marriage. (too long of a backstory- backwoods family, crazy ex, he lives on family farm too far out of town, etc) Our relationship is solid, even through its not progressing. I am perfectly fine with it. However, his 25 year old (unemployed and drug addicted) son is expecting his first child end of May. NG is excited and wants me to be there when the baby is born. (along with his family, his psycho ex wife and her new sugar daddy_)- I don't want to go. I know he's my boyfriend and we are there for each other. However, since we aren't progressing into marriage/living together any time soon..WHy should I have to? I just don't agree with the whole circumstances of how this irresponsible young adult has brought onto himself. Him and girlfriend are living with his ex wifes parents in a room. It's just hard to genuinely be happy for them. Am I just a bitch? It's ok to say "yes"..maybe I need to hear it. Just not sure the "obligations" of a long term steady..

If it's your wife's best friend..well that's a little weird. Just a friend of acquaintance, it happens. Her best friend?? Sounds a little opportunistic on her part. Just my opinion.

Tread lightly. Some folks can have a FWB and it works out for both parties. However, just from my experience of observing most can't. One usually gets more attached than the other one. Again, not always- but the majority of the time.

One time years ago I made a major mistake and married a guy I barely knew..it lasted 3 months. I took his last name. It was a nightmare getting my former married name back on everything. I don't see me ever changing mine while my kids are young. (of course I am not in a position of marriage either right now)- We moved back to my childhood hometown. People here call me by my maiden name. ALL THE TIME. That is confusing enough for my kids.

Reading these comments reaffirms to me that it’s right for me to detach. i just can’t blend...if an attorney would have put me on the spot like that i would’ve flipped. i do say it all the time “I’m just the girlfriend not my circus to deal with”. Hats yes off to you ladies-y’all are better women then me. i’m just too selfish to deal with it.

I am at the place that I don't think NG is really marriage material. But then I know right now I am not either. The qualities of honesty, integrity, communication, chemistry- we have all of it. But we've talked, he's pretty much tied down to the family farm with all of his relatives living around him. No way in Hell will I move out there. I said "Not until my kids get out of school"- Last night he said "I really don't think you would want to live out here even then would you?" I mean..it's really really out. It's his family land. They are very cliquey with each other. That land would never be mine, why would I invest money into a home out there and my kids would be left with nothing. His kids are a train wreck..drug addict 25 year old is expecting a baby in 3 weeks..Him and his girlfriend are living with NG ex wife parents. Ex wife is still crazy as a loon but has a new sugar daddy so she hasn't left as many hateful messages to him. I distance myself from all of it. Detached myself from his kids. I am kind and polite..but I put my energy into my children and my parents, etc. Worked too hard to get my kids screwed up in the mess. But him? He alone is wonderful. All the comes with it, not so sure. I will be the 80 year old girlfriend living in my own house, I think it may actually work that way.

Heartbroken for her. We've prayed for her and the boys since this past weekend. She has been through so much in her young years. Those of you who don't know this person, she's an amazing Mom and those kids are her world.

I believe in the early weeks/months//years..it's more prevalent. Our loved ones know we are hurting and they may have unfinished business to take care of. I believe certain people are also more "sensitive" to spirits and able to feel them more. My experiences started in my 20's with my paternal grandmother. She told me things that happened in the 1920's, 1930's when she was young. My Dad was even spooked when I asked him about the things she told me. I've had various relatives come to me, but usually only once or twice. At different stages of my life when I needed advice and it came from the other side. It's really not something I seek out, some of "spirit stuff" can scare me. So I don't invite it, but when it comes naturally it's always good. My Mother has the same gift. My 16 year old son does too (although he rejects it totally, he knew when he was 4 the moment his Dad died, how he died, and where to find him. Down to the point of entry of the gunshot wound. He refuses now to ever talk about it. I guess gifts come in different forms to different people. I really don't know how it all works, just want I've experienced in my life. I no longer get "signs" so much from DH, it's far from a daily thing..

Yes. You aren't crazy. My first few years I had so many experiences, too many to get into. I am not sure if it was always my deceased husband or just my "haunted house" I lived in. It was already full of activity, but when I would feel him it was positive. It's been 11.5 years for me, we live in a different town different house. However, I still on occasion "feel him" or try to connect to him. Last night, my son was pitching a Varsity baseball game for high school. (No one knows this btw..not my significant other right now, no one)- And when he pitches I always put his old flip phone in my sweatshirt pocket (from 2007) and his college class ring. I rub on them while my kid is pitching. That's the one common place I always feel/connect to DH. Both . my sons do too, they both pitch and their Dad was a high school baseball pitcher. I believe objects retain energy from loved ones. (I never got the phone or ring out until this year-) May just be a bunch of voodoo science...but I swear my kid is always "on" this year when I have that old phone in my pocket.

I enjoy the companionship and all that comes with it. But marriage- well it's alot of work. If two people aren't on the same page, it can be a mess. When people ask me "When are you and NG going to get married?" My response is always "WHy would we do that and ruin a good thing?" I really think I will feel differently when my kids are grown and on their own. I honestly do not have the energy to take on NG's entire family and all it entails, his crazy ex, his committment to never leaving family land on the farm and his kids (and soon to be grandkid)- I am much better off being the "girlfriend"

I have been widowed for 11 1/2 years. I have raised 3 kids on my own since they were babies. (all under 5) I have been in an exclusive relationship for over 2 years. I love him, but life is complicated. I have learned dating in your forties, especially when both folks are trying to blend two separate lives is complicated. I don't want to get remarried. I like my home and space. I am busy and he is just as busy. He lives about 30 minutes away way way out in the country. I just can't ever live out that far. I doubt we ever get married. If we would, it would be when my kids are gone (my youngest is now 11 so it would be years) I like being "single". I like being the "girlfriend". Being a wife is too much responsibility and work for me right now. My plate is extremely full. I never saw myself this way when I first became widowed. Time and experiences change us. Each of us fits into this "new world" as it works for us.

I follow her still on FB...Wonderful news!!

Oh he knows the consequences...I’ve talked about it for 2 years..He’s pretty scared of that happening. I’m actually pretty harsh about the reality of teen pregnancy and he won’t havr me bailing him out-he’s on his own. I liked is girlfriend until I accidentally saw a Snapchat (He was showing me a car and it opened ) from her. The sex has been on her mind for months! Text ”Hey..I’ll be at your house at 11am..I have ball at 2..Are we going to F$ck or what? Can we do it tomorrow if your mom isn’t home?” Shes a straight A student, ball player..she’s only 15..and I wish to God I had not seen that Snapchat because I’ve have a tough time even looking at her since. She knows I saw it as does my son.

Just saw this thread and it’s an older one... My now 16 year old son lost his virginity this week. Yeah he told me..yes I’m mortified yet glad he at least is able to tell me this kind of stuff. He’s had condoms under his bed in a tackle box for months now. He had safe sex..he’s been dating this young lady for a whopping 5 months. They are a couple...and she’s a “good girl” (except she slept with my son...OMG). This whole thing just grossed me out now thinking about it..I don’t want her over at my house..yet it’s good if they are here with us. I no longer like her...yet I have to act nice or it will make it more appealing to him that he’s rebelling. Maybe I’ll try reverse psychology..push him to be with his friends more. Ugh! Solo moms with teens ain’t for the faint of heart. And i don’t like her. Period.

I went out with a widower when I was 10 months out. He was 6 weeks out. He was very ready..was actually looking for a wife. We only went out for 2 months-it scared me off. However he immediately met another woman and they were married 6 months later. My advice..just enjoy yourself and have an open mind-

I am replying to this a year later....maybe just to get the thoughts out of my head..Maybe I didn't realize exactly how traumatic the whole thing was in high school for me. I am now teaching at my own high school...its an entirely different staff/administration. I love my job. I love my students and the people I work with. My oldest son is at the school-it is a great fit for my family. I only live 2 minutes from the school. But the flashbacks- well they are there..I really didn't think they would be. It's not anything debilitating, but I catch my mind wandering. In high school I started having severe headaches, I withdrew from my old friends (i only kept close contact with my one friend who I confided in, but she died a few years ago to cancer)--Since moving back I have reconnected with some of those old friends..but I knew when I was in high school that's when my personality changed. I isolated and learned to only trust myself. I remember getting MRI's for the severe headaches..How could my Mom not see that the cause was walking into that school everyday and seeing her and my principal together. I went home and played therapist to my Dad..I was in the middle...I know other teachers had to see the change in me..I am a high school teacher now-- I see it with kids. Of course it was 30 years ago and things were different. I never told. I knew I could have him fired in a hot minute if I went to the board office..but it would also disgrace my Mom. Football games-- that went my first flashback came. You see football games (I was a twirler in the band in high school)--It was the only place that My Mom , my Dad and the principal were all together in a public place..My Dad always said he was going to kill him. I remember being sick at football games afraid some scene would take place. It never did. My Dad held it together. I was able to go through my old files from high school in the storage room (before computers)--My standardized test scores were in the 90th percentile as an entering freshmen...By my Senior year they had dropped to 40th percentile. I remember sleeping through those tests. I remember sleeping through the ACT. How the hell I graduated and made it in college I don't know..I made it because I left. Now I am back..he's dead..I am where I am supposed to be..I just ran from those demons, never had therapy and am realizing now that damn...adolescent trauma can mess with a person. Im ok..I just have to get these thoughts out. This is the safest place. NG doesn't know. He knows I won't go to football games (I went to one and left)- But doesn't really know why..Just told him it had nothing to do with him or anything and to just leave it. He has..I just can't go there. I am pretty closed mouth IRL about deep rooted stuff. This is deep rooted. Thanks for just letting me type this out. It's not widda related..Just have to get this outta my head.

I read just the other day...about childhood trauma-and it mentioned that remarriage with kids (didn’t specify whether it was divorce or widow)..the worst time to remarry is between the age of 10-16. Something about adolescent brain development. It may just be bullshit study..but it said kids are more adaptable before age 10...and more accepting after age 16. But really every situation is unique..but my kids hit smack in the middle 11,14 and 15.😂😂😂 And NG has his own set of issues (crazy ex, needy Mom, druggie soon to be daddy son)... Actually my life is easier to manage than his. Never thought i would meet meet someone with a crazier set of circumstances than mine. But I found them. I’ll be a girlfriend at 70 I’m afraid! (Hey it maybe a good fit for me)