DavidsKtBeth

The funny thing is usually I sleep too much. I can easily sleep 12+ hours a night if I don't have to be up in the morning. However, I clearly aged since someone at work today mention how I'm in my thirties.. Apparently I look a solid 5-10 years older than I am. Maybe I should start wearing makeup lol

I'm supposed to be asleep right now, but for some reason the past few days I lay down and instantly the water works start. I have flashbacks. Tonight it started because I was cuddling with my best friend aka Cooper aka my main man aka my dog and for some reason I laid my head on his chest and my mind instantly went to laying on my husband's chest and hearing his heart beat then my mind flashed to the hospital room and laying my head on his chest and hearing nothing. I knew I would hear nothing. He was pronounced dead 2 or 3 hours before I finally made it to the hospital. Now, I just want to lay on his chest and listen to his heart beat. I have that feeling in your chest where it feels like a hole but at the same time you just want to rip and dig at the pain. I want the feeling gone. I am so tired of this life. I'm exhausted and everyone loves pointing out how tired I look, like everyday, seriously. This is just how I look people! I am exhausted every minute of every day. phew. Did I mention someone congratulated me on getting married at work today? I didn't change my last name through work except for legal documents so I wouldn't cause confusion and someone just found out. I didn't have the heart to tell her Dave had passed away. We were married May 29, 2015 and he passed away June 24, 2015 but I was working remotely at the time, people didn't even know I got engaged. I actually told my boss we got married in the same email I told them he had passed away. We had a court house wedding because I didn't want the attention and then Dave had to go and die and now I just have a lot of pitty. ok. End rant. As a reward here is a picture of my knight in shinning armor, the man who gives me a reason to wake up every morning, Cooper. This is a picture from when he was a puppy, if you're lucky you'll get to see more pictures of him http://imgur.com/gallery/A8VqJVA

ROLL TRIBE!

..and a dead husband is not the best combination. All my friends are getting married and having babies.. it seems like everyday someone else is announcing they are pregnant

This is exactly how I feel. Especially the length of the work trip. Dave was actually on a work trip when he died. He would be gone generally one-two nights a week and I spent those nights missing him like crazy. I used to tell him how fucked I would be if he died. He promised me he wouldn't die anytime soon. And here I am.. waiting for him to get back from his work trip...

I'm the same way! I mean.. I only have 2 doors to lock (I live on the 2nd floor of a duplex) but I'll be in bed some nights and think.. did I remember to lock the door? Oh well.. maybe I'll get lucky and someone will kill me and I can see Dave again.. but.. I have a 100lbs. Dog with an intense bark so I doubt anyone would bother coming all the way to the second floor..

I totally get it!! I have been to like 6 weddings since David died last June. It's one of the hardest parts of being a young widow (I'm 27 now). All my friends are having weddings or anniversaries and we didn't get to even have 1 anniversary. And don't get me started on all the babies. I honestly found the ceremony is what makes me the most anxious.. "until death do us part" gets me everytime.. I know it's coming every time and it still stings. But I have also found frinds are very aware that it's a hard time for me and are very supportive. I know it's hard but the receptions are always fun!!

So next month would have been our 1 year wedding anniversary and I have no idea what to do.. how do you celebrate with a dead person? Lol. It also will be the 11 month anniversary of his funeral. Yes, his funeral was on our 1 month wedding anniversary. Which I never would have realized if it wasn't pointed out to me lol. Fuck me. I don't live anywhere near where he proposed or we got married.. which was a court house wedding with just me and him.. we didn't even need witnesses. It was perfect. Absolutely perfect! Ugh. Anyway, just looking for some ideas of how you might have celebrated.

I use the Bath and Body Works aromatherapy stress relief stuff. I mostly use the body wash because I work from home and can pretty much jump in the shower whenever I want! I do carry the lotion around with me too if I have an event or something that I think might trigger my anxiety. It kind of just helps me to remember to take a moment for myself and calm down. It has helped me a lot!!!!!!!

Well.. 9 months ago was the worst day of my life. After DH died I moved home with my parents. On Wednesday I'm moving back to where we started our adult life. All my friends are there but I will be 4 hours from my parents. I'd how I'm going to handle living alone, doing all the chores myself, paying all the bills myself, cooking for one, and taking care of all 4 pets. I am sitting here packing and pulled out that dreaded white bag of his belongings from the hospital. His shirt still smells like him. I miss him so much. This isn't fair. 2 of my friends are about to pop out babies and I am trying to figure out how to adult without my best friend. I miss him so much.

I went out with a group of about 20 people this weekend, we had a party bus. One girl in the group was eyeing my brother-in-law all night. You could tell she was into him. I truly believe the only reason she didn't make a move is because her HUSBAND was with us. They have been married less than 6 months. Her husband totally noticed too. At the end of the night he was making EVERYTHING a competition with my BIL. When I say everything I mean BIL was eating a bag of Nutter Butters and he kept making comments about the Nutter Butters so I tossed him a pack and he looked at BIL and says "Wana race" I mean it was hilarious but it makes me SOOO mad because here I am without my best friend and she is flirting with other guys right in front of her husband. I was so upset at the bar about it I actually started crying. Basically.. FUCK YOU for not taking your vows seriously and making your husband feel like he had to compete like that for your attention. I guess I don't know anything about them or their relationship because I just met them that night.. but GRRRRRR!!

I am sorry for your loss but I completely agree!! My grandparents died less than 24 hours apart and I'm so jealous!!

Just kidding.. My cousin basically just fired me. That's what I get working with family. I knew I shouldn't have done it. I'm not allowed to come back to work until "you have some serious desire to be there and you have some counseling set up ." A. You cannot make me go to counseling B. That is none of your business

Hi! So I'm thinking about buying a condo and thought you guys would be the best resource to ask if there are any grants or anything for widows. Keep in mind I don't have kids. But I am a first time home buyer. I'm also in Ohio if that's important. Also, does anyone have a good lender they would recommend. Idk how this works. My friends condo just went up for sale so this has all started unfolding in the last 1/2 hour haha Thanks in advance!!

I just saw this online. This little girl's dad passed away a few years ago and now she is doing great things sending care packages to other children in her position. Just thought I would share it in case anyone knows of anyone who could use a care package. http://www.heavensentit.org/

My husband passed away on June 24th.. I haven't been on here for a while because I felt like I was doing better.. but like you said I have done nothing but cry lately.. November 24th was his 5 month Sadiversary, then Thanksgiving, then the 29th was our would have been our 6 month wedding anniversary, then December 3rd was his birthday, and now it's full blown holiday season.. last year I was mad because we weren't engaged (after 6 years together) and all these stupid lovey dovey diamond/engagement commercials come on and this year I'm mad because he is dead.. it would have been cool to have 1 holiday season where I could laugh in those commercials face and tell them they weren't going to make me jealous!! Okay! I went waaaay off topic lol but I guess I'm just saying I'm there too! I'm finding it harder to work, concentrate at all really.. especially in the car which is scary. I haven't been able to get him out of my head the past few days.. it's really setting in and I hate it. It's not fair. But I do find listening to audiobooks help me wind down a lot at night bc I don't stare at my phone or the tv all night but still got something to keep my mind off this nightmare. I also decided to go to a personal trainer starting tomorrow.. it's free with my planet fitness pass that I signed up for 2 months ago and only used once.

I am 99.9% sure my husband's death caused a bit of a baby boomer type event within my sorority.. now 5 of my sorority sisters have announced they are pregnant.. all within the month.. not saying they weren't trying before but part of me wonders if they heard Dave died and thought wtf are we waiting for...

I always got the cherry, he always got the crutons. When we would be out with a group of people or even alone we would squeez each others hand, or arm, or leg, 3 times to say "I love you" and then we would look at each other and smile. Often times it would be during times when we weren't supposed to be talking, like during a wedding, or a movie. I think that's one of the things I am going to miss most.

I love Humans of New York! It always has cute little stories that make me feel a little better https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1112050268869072/?type=3&theater My absolute favorite https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/pb.102099916530784.-2207520000.1445293930./581460051928099/?type=3&theater

I want everything to go back to normal. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and the anxiety is over whelming. I just want him back so bad. I just want to talk to him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I want him back.

Today I learned that being a widow and in a long distance relationship are basically the same thing...

This is going to be the hardest thing to remember as I get older http://imgur.com/gallery/CmZ2Y

THIS IS EVERYTHING <3

Just joined Planet Fitness! Let's do this!!!!!

And it has begun. Dave and I used to hang out with 3 other couples and this past week 2 of the couples let me know they are pregnant. Dave and I started to try to have kids 3 days before he died. Basically we would have all be pregnant around the same time and been in love and cute. The 4th couple doesn't want kids so it's like.. idk I'm missing out on stuff already. The one couple was the first wedding I went to after Dave passed away. ughhhh.. FML!!!!!!!!!