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HayleyNicole

I feel like I inherited his mental illness.

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CW: Mental illness, Suicide, Self Harm

 

 

 

 

 

My partner of 6 years passed away on 1/30 and even though it was a suspected accidental car crash, he did suffer from a plethora of mental illness. The three most prominent were PTSD, Chronic Depression (with suicidal ideation), and Social Anxiety. I had been diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety while in high school, but as I became his caregiver, my illness did not manifest as much anymore. Beyond the extreme grief that I’m dealing with, I have become much more suicidal than I have ever been before. I will be honest here, I have been hurting myself. I really don’t know what to do and I don’t want to go to a hospital because I’ll miss his service (the car caught fire, we don’t have his remains yet). I am angry with myself because I feel so ridiculous. I feel like all of the illnesses that he had are being passed to me. I’ve always been an extrovert, but I can’t stand the thought of people. I’m such a different person now and I really don’t know what to do or say. I hate living like this. What can I do to hold on until the service, and hopefully longer?

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Hi.

 

I'm no expert in mental illness (although I have PTSD-like anxiety myself).  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Grief can really throw you a curve ball.  You are asking what you can do to hang on - and you don't want to be hospitalized - I assume against your will.  Perhaps you can contact a hotline?  Is there a therapist or trusted person you can confide in? 

 

Do you have any say in when the memorial service will be held?  Can other family members be trusted to consider your needs and relay them to your partner's family?  It seems pretty critical that you take care of yourself - and if you are harming yourself now, taking care of your mental health needs seems to be the biggest priority right now.

 

I wish you well.

 

Maureen

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14 hours ago, Wheelerswife said:

Hi.

 

I'm no expert in mental illness (although I have PTSD-like anxiety myself).  I'm so sorry for your loss.  Grief can really throw you a curve ball.  You are asking what you can do to hang on - and you don't want to be hospitalized - I assume against your will.  Perhaps you can contact a hotline?  Is there a therapist or trusted person you can confide in? 

 

Do you have any say in when the memorial service will be held?  Can other family members be trusted to consider your needs and relay them to your partner's family?  It seems pretty critical that you take care of yourself - and if you are harming yourself now, taking care of your mental health needs seems to be the biggest priority right now.

 

I wish you well.

 

Maureen

I have been in therapy, but my therapist was actually Patrick’s therapist as well. Going to therapy is painful and I don’t want to tell her about the self-harm because I know she will put me in a hospital. I’m also afraid of calling a hotline out of fear of them reporting me. I am scared of myself a lot of the time. It hurts living like this.

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Are you taking anti-anxiety meds? I found them helpful at cutting down the intensity. I also recall having these really intense build-ups inside of me that needed OUT. I would go screaming into a pillow until I was exhaustion. I had some suicidal ideation the first year, and I would just keep listing all the reasons I needed to stay here for that day- no matter how small. 

 

I spent most of my life dealing with periodic depression. After he died I didn’t feel depressed, but instead just so profoundly deeply sad that it felt impossible I’d ever be able to overcome it. I found writing about it- both in my journal and on-line- very helpful. People became unbearable to me after he died, everything just felt awkward, I felt awkward. I knew I’d never be the same again. But I learned how to be this new person and slowly I figured out how to be in the world again. And to thrive. You will, too. 

 

Please try to find something you can turn to instead of hurting yourself, some other kind of release. I’ve never practiced self-harm but I do remember in the early days digging my nails into my skin and enjoying a sense of relief and I finally understood what it was all about. So I kinda get it- just please work on redirecting your mind to a different kind of self-soothing. 

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