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DragonTears

Social Isolation and the Rabbit Hole

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Posted (edited)

Well, I don't know about you, but social isolation is a lot like reliving those early years after our SO's deaths.  I feel like I'm slowly going right down the rabbit hole again.  I actually started therapy before the virus started.  I had two appointments in.  Had to tell that whole story all over again. And then just as abruptly as it started, it ended.  I have mixed feelings about therapy.  I mean all they do is sit there with this stone cold look on their faces and barely react to anything you say.  At least this new person does talk.  My last one didn't say anything.  She just sat there writing and didn't say anything.  If I wanted to talk to a wall, I could do that at home for free.  Anyway, I'm feeling alone and lonely tonight and thinking about all the years I lost as a caregiver.  So I'm just supposed to pick up where I left off and go back to being me.  Problem is, I forgot who me is, if I ever knew that in the first place.  26 years is long time.  And I'm running out of time, or at least I feel like I am.  I don't have years to develop a relationship with someone.  I miss someone even being vaguely interested in me.  Maybe I'm just not interesting anymore.  My co-worker said I needed to stop being so "dour".  Coming from him, I was just surprised he knew what the word dour meant.

 

Edited by DragonTears

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Try not to think of the time as a caregiver as 'lost'. It was where many of us found ourselves at the stage of life. It was what we were supposed to be and do at that time. 

 

But now that it is over, you can be whoever you want to be. Maybe even especially if you don't know who you ever were or who you used to be. Try new things, new experiences, new views on everything. If you are doing it right, some paths will lead to dead ends. That's great! Next! You now know you don't like that particular path. Try more- try everything. 

 

You can be unlimited in what you are able to try. What an exciting time. 

 

Good luck

Mike

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I have to agree. You do have time and now you can do as much or as little as you want. There are no rules other than do what gives you peace and find what brings you some joy. It’ll be okay. This path is different for everyone. It took me awhile to find myself and I’m content. 

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. . . sigh. . . thank you for those thoughts, even though the point of my post apparently wasn't clear on any level.  Not really looking for advice or someone to "fix me" or cheer me on.  The point really was social isolation sucks when you're widowed and single:  agree or disagree.  That was pretty much it.  This section is Beyond Active Grieving; not beyond active venting, which is what we used to do on the old site back in the day.  Missing my peeps.  Peace out!

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 You can still vent here - I think the point that your original post was just a vent was lost, I interpreted similar to Mike....

 

Social isolation does suck when you're alone... but I keep telling my kids and myself that this is hopefully the one time in our lives that it's the social expectation to stay home so we should take advantage of it and do something that interests us, explore new hobbies or genre of movies or recipes......

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I get this. It's a familiar feeling from 12 years ago.

During this period of "social distancing" our school has been closed (along with most around the country)- Well, my boss- our head high school principal killed herself.

The shock and trauma this little town in feeling is so familiar to the shock I felt when DH died from suicide 12.5 years ago.

So yeah, I get this. It's an eerie time for me. Colleagues are reaching out to me for advice on handling the anger and shock and I really don't want to talk about it. 

Ugh- dreading going back to school (I work with behavioral disordered, learning disordered students. So many are broken and depressed anyway- I know this death of our school leader is going to send some over the edge)

 

So yeah DragonTears, I hear you! Vent away, cause I am doing the same thing on your thread! lol- Hope you are doing well.

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Dragontears,

 

I hear you. I am doing well a lot of the time, but there are times, days, even a few weeks where I still say "WHAT Happened to my life?"   I believe whole heartedly I have my son to give me purpose many days.  We were married 13 yrs when we had him.  And I do wonder about wids without anyone at home.  He is my inspiration to keep going.  And as I am a Christian, if I am to truly to believe in my faith, I have to show our son life is meant to continue and have joy.  I fully understand how hard it can be some days and especially being alone.  My son has 2 more years and I wonder what I will do when I am in this too big of house with myself all the time.  I get the depression and needing to do lots of things to get better, coping skills. I am a kid therapist. But I also understand the deep emotions of loss and hopelessness I truly never got until my husband died suddenly.   AND sometimes you just need to be heard.    Keep posting.  There are others not posting and reading it and getting it.  I get it. 

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I'm home alone and stay at home orders don't bother me. There is a lot to do here so I can keep busy or not. My state has some strict stay at home directives. I go out for essentials only. I've done grocery weekly during off peak hours, one trip to pharmacy and necessary car service. 

 

There really is nothing out there worth dying for as far as I am concerned. 

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