TornApart

It's a hard decision. Our loved ones had us, but we don't have them or children. I had a medical and a financial POA like Mrskro, as well as an Advanced Health Directive, which sets out how to make medical and health decisions in the event that I can't. I had my mother, one brother and my BIL as health POA - jointly or individually, and my father, the other brother and my SIL as my financial SOA - also jointly or individually. After the BIL and SIL wrote to me at the one year sadiversary to tell me that I hadn't grieved 'properly', I removed them and just have my family listed. Having options is good if one person is not available or is struggling with choices, because they can consult with each other in a very difficult situation. I had not added my BF before we broke up, even though we were together for close to two years... I guess that says a lot.

Oh Bunny, ouch. As someone that has kept all the texts, I can imagine that feeling when your BF's texts disappeared. I kept texting my husband every day for months after he was gone. You are right, the texts aren't the relationship. You have the memories. I don't read the texts, just feel security in having them if I ever want to read them.

What did you end up doing to celebrate her birthday MisterWes? I appreciate that you shared who Misty was, with all her perfection and all her flaws - the things that made her, her. Today my husband would have been 47. I went to the grave on Sunday with his mother, and I thought about what he would have been up to today. I don't want to have a gathering because it would feel awkward to me. But I have taken today off work because I want to honour him but finding a way to live my life in a way that makes me happy, which is all he ever wanted for me. I feel like I am not doing 'right' by him if I am not loving my life. It's hard to find a way to honour them - we can't live their life for them, and we can't be them, or live life the way they would have.

Absolutely. Grief truly taught me the connection between my heart, soul, and body. All linked. The 17th of every month (the day that he had emergency surgery and didn't wake up) got me unconsciously worked up. It is less now, but I still find it coming out in my muscles. Storing "issues in your tissues" as a yoga teacher said once. It mightn't be for you, hikermom, but I found 'alternative' therapies very helpful. Kinesiology was the one that helped me because my therapist is just incredible, but there are a range of other ones that treat the connection between your mind, your heart, and your body and try to treat the underlying issue as well as the symptoms.

Thanks for sharing. I liked "I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can - How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal" by Linda Feinberg, as well. Books helped me a lot.

That is a good description. My experience (3.5 years out) is that grief is always with you, and you have to learn to live your life with it until you almost don't notice it anymore. A bit like weight-training - it is exhausting but you eventually build your strength and can lift more weight than you ever thought possible, stronger than you were before. It is hard work to get there, but you do.

It is always a personal choice, as others have said. It depends on your circumstances and your job. I went back after 4-5 weeks and was part-time for a few weeks as I built up my endurance. But I wish I had taken more time off, adn listened to my heart, which was telling me to give myself a break. Everyone wanted me to go back to work because the routine was meant to help. It might have done for a while, but 18 months later I was desperate and took 3 months off work. I needed to grieve and give myself to adjust and to cry whenever I needed to rather than holding myself together. I had figure out who the new me, the widowed me was. It sounds trite, but you will make the right choice if you listen to your body, your heart, your soul. They are all very confused right now and will be for a while, but at the core, they know what you need. It may be the routine of work or it may be time to grieve.

Coconut Head (there must be a story to that name), your story is heart-breaking. To go through that, to have seen it, and now being torn from your pets and having to rely on new people to help care for you... it is a rough road you are traveling. Please do come to this forum whenever you need to, and share waht you are going through. There are a lot of wise heads here that have coped with so many traumas and changes after the loss of their loved one. I know you can't believe it now, but just take one breath at a time and you will find all those moments that you survive build up underneath you so that you eventually get your head above the metaphorical water. ((CH))

Hi team, Today would have been his 47th birthday. I thought I was going to be okay - it's the 4th birthday without him, I have practice - but I spent all night reading this forum, weeping. So much of what you have all written is so exactly what I have gone through, the things that nobody else understands. I am so grateful to have found you all again on widda.org. I am at a point where I am struggling again. I know that it gets better again. I know this is temporary. But I still feel so apathetic, and I indulge myself all the time... you know, the old "Well, I could be dead tomorrow, so why shouldn't I enjoy today?" But I have so many years ahead of me. The things that used to matter, just don't. I can't bring myself to care much about work. I like the new me - I am gentler and more patient - but I would like some of the old me back. The ambition. The drive. The never-ending support that he gave me unconditionally. I just miss him. It wasn't perfect, but I wish I had a chance for him to see the 'better' me. I was the main breadwinner, in a job that I don't really enjoy anymore, and he always strived to make his business a success so that he could support me through a carerr change. And now I could take a career break to try something else, but I don't want to leave the security after the turbulent last few years, or without his support, his cheering, his pride in me. So I just lie here and mainline TV shows or the news or Facebook... like junk food for existence. It isn't what I want but I don't know what I want so it is easier to just drift in the gilded cage of a secure, well-paid job. The poem by Veronica A. Shoffstall below resonated with me in the last few months as I came out of my first relationship post-beloved: "After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And so you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong and you really do have worth." And this song brings me to tears every time: Thanks for listening. I am sorry that we are here, even if we are learning a lot of life lessons. I read a quote in one person's post last night that struck home: “The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.” ― Tom Bodett Yep. ^^This^^ Love and hugs to you all on this journey.

(((MrsDan)))

Thanks so much, all. I sat here reading your stories with a smile on my face, and then tears streaming down my face. They all sound so awesome. Your examples made me think 'oh yeah, he would have loved that too!' Never thought I would be happy to cry, but I have learnt to think of tears as a sweet release now. The tears are just the price I have to pay these days to revisit happy moments and memories.

Perfect, terrible insight. So, so true, SemperFidelis. Everything was muted. There were nuances of pain and greys. No colour. No music. No texture without him. It comes back. Eventually. But I too had to let the old me go and find out who I was. Like a terrible, brutal rebirth. Learning how to do life again. I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm 3.5 years out and have been doing pretty well, all things considered. To the point that I couldn't quite conceive the magnitude of the pain back in the first two years. But the other day, I was driving my new car and thinking about a new Avengers movie, part of which was filmed a block from my workplace.... it all came back. I started thinking, which was the last movie in the Avengers that he saw, he would have loved my new car. Just two little things and all of a sudden I couldn't breathe, my throat tightened up, my stomach felt like I had been punched. You all know. Gut wrenching tears and gasping for breath. What new little thing would your partners have loved? What takes you back the beginning? What do you wish you could share with them and see their joy? Maybe a silly question. Everything?!

Yes, been there. I even got jealous of my parents reaching their 40th anniversary. We only got five years, and 10 in total. But I am glad I got that much. I think old age alone will be hard. At least now, my mum can come along to medical appointments with me if I need her. Who is my next of kin when my parents are gone? If I fall in my own home alone, who notices?

I'm so sorry. So very sorry. My husband died unexpectedly at the age of 43, 3.5 years ago. I remember being in a grocery store, my heart racing, and wanting to escape because I saw his favourite food and I went to grab it to buy it for him as a treat.. and then I remembered... It is a rollercoaster. You think you are coping, and then you smell something, see something, hear something.... and you can't breathe. It is too early for you to believe this right now, perhaps, but we survive. It gets better. One step, one breath at a time.

"I am devastated beyond belief, I can't cope with the guilt and the fact that he made such a final decision based on my words." ((DB)) He didn't make his final decision based on your words. He was ill and broken. You tried for so long to try and help him get better. It was HIS decision. Not yours. You can't take responsibility for his choices. Is there truly anything else that you could have done, short of sacrificing yourself for him? It still wouldn't have worked. You tried everything possible. You were so strong and brave. Be kind to yourself, as I can tell that you are a kind person to others. I know that this happened months ago, but I have only just come across this post. I hope you are doing better, and your counselling has been helping.

Thank you all so much. It helps to talk through it all and clarify my own mind. On one hand, I feel like I should be tougher because I survived the death of my husband, but on the other hand I wonder if I am more sensitive. I wondered at times whether I was trying to be the supportive wife that I wish I had been to my husband. Trying to replay and be a better person because I wish I had another chance with my husband, knowing what I know now. So I gave and gave and gave to try and make my partner better. I didn't want to give up. But I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't fill the hole in him. He needs to do that for himself, and I hope that giving him space and letting him fend for himself will give him the strength, confidence and resilience to rebuild himself. xoxo to you all.

It is a big step. My rings felt like a defence shield for me. I think I started moving them to my other hand, but then back again after the year mark. I had his wedding ring redesigned as an 'eternity ring' (a concept we have in Australia at the one year wedding anniversary or first child, but even more strangely fitting in death) and I wear that and my engagement ring constantly. They are still such an emotional connection to him. I will be buried with my engagement ring. It is about what it means to you. If you don't need them, perhaps keep them for special occasions or get them redesigned into something else.

Hi all, I haven't been in touch since the YWBB closed, but I found myself searching for another widow's forum a few days ago and found you all again. I hope you are all ok. Seeing some of the names is like seeing old friends again, who supported me and understood me when I was at my worst. I am hoping for some advice again. It has been 3.5 years since my husband passed away unexpectedly after 10 years together (I was in my early 30s). 18 months after it all happened, I realised that I couldn't keep going, I was going to break down if I didn't take a break and learn how to grieve. To be in it, to be present and not keep it all locked away where it couldn't dissipate. During a 3 month break, I did a few things I regret, but was at least experimenting with the idea of living again. I met a man and almost instantly fell in love. He had recently come out of a bad (second) marriage and he was recovering from a serious suicide attempt six months previously. I think the pain and grief in me recognised the pain and grief in him. And because I felt that I had healed so much, I thought it was possible for him too. Seven months after we met, I supported him through a hideous custody battle. It came out that he had attempted suicide three or more times and struggled with depression for more than 2 decades. The court decided to restrict access to his son, the light of his life, for two years while he got treatment. He could call him but see him only in supervised situations. However, the supervising agency after a year of waiting said that they didn't have the resources to fit him in, even after taking money from him for initial 'intake' interviews. His ex-wife did not care and refused to make any other arrangements for her son to see his dad, even though the little boy was so terribly distressed and missed us. I stood by him. The grief was terrible to behold, and it felt like it was unrelenting. but I want to make it clear that we had so many wonderful moments, and we understood each other, loved each other, enjoyed each other's company, and supported one another. We talked about our future together and marriage. I gave him everything that I could to try and make him happy. When it worked, it was perfect. After a few incidents when he was under the influence of alcohol, he agreed not to drink. But he was struggling without any purpose without his son to take care of. He was studying after being medically discharged from the army due to reconstructed joints. He would have done anything for me. He lived for me, and said he had given up hope on his dreams and goals and just wanted to help me achieve mine. We are only in our late 30s. His 'offer' was just not sustainable or healthy. I realised that even though I loved him, it wasn't going to be enough. His desire to have me at the centre of his life was going to consume me. I couldn't accept it. So after almost 2 years together, I decided to end it. It breaks my heart. Even though I asked whether we could do a transition break-up so I could support him to try and get his life back together and help with the next custody case (he refused), I feel like I abandoned him and I am not sure how he will cope. Last night his first ex-wife contacted me concerned that he was considering suicide again, and some of the messages that he had sent me had me worried too. I called the police. They checked on him and said he was fine. The grief monster has me in its grips again. I cry so hard that I hyperventilate and want to throw up. Back to not eating, barely wanting to get out of bed and dressed. I actually want him to be here to hold me and comfort me to take away my pain and I want to take away his pain. Before my husband, I had never had a serious relationship. I don't know if break ups are meant to be this hard. Is it opening the original grief wound again? Or is this normal? I know the depression and possibility of suicide are complications that make it worse. It is possible / likely that he will attempt self-harm again. I have organised to see my psychologist and another counsellor. I am taking anti-anxiety medication. What else do I do? Advice?