geminigirl

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and that we're all here to listen anytime you need to vent. I'm only at 15 weeks and I've found that this is a good place to let it all out when I'm feeling depressed and crazy. (((HUGS)))

Another newbie here, I'm only 3 1/2 months in so I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug since you were so kind to offer me support on my thread. It just sucks, that's the best I can come up with but we're all here for support. It's not much but it's something. Big (((hugs))) to you!

Thanks for responding, I've been in a dark place this last week and I feel like I'm falling further down the rabbit hole. It doesn't help that everyone around me seems to think that I should be happy now that I'm out of my old house and they're giving me shit for being down. My husband is still dead and a nicer house and a new washer and dryer doesn't change that. I don't care where I live or what I buy I just want him back! I'm so tired of hearing that “everything is going to be okay" or that “everything is going to work out fine because it always does." No, it doesn't always work out fine. It didn't work out fine for my husband and it's never really going to be okay for me because he's never coming back. And the next person that tells me to “think positive" might just get slapped upside the head. Everything is fine for them because they didn't lose the love of their life. I know my family and friends are trying to help but this be happy bullshit that they keep preaching is only pissing me off more. No, I'm not happy, I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I know for sure that I won't be happy tomorrow or next week and probably not even next month. Maybe I'll stay sad forever. Maybe it's up to me to decide how long I grieve for the man I love more than anything in this world.

I've been at my new house for four days now and it's been hard. I've only unpacked the essentials and I don't have the motivation to start making the new place a home yet. My mom asked me when I was going to hang pictures and curtains and I'm not sure that I even care to make the new house look nice. I feel like I don't have a home anymore and I'm just waiting for something. I'm still waiting for him. I feel like I'm slipping. I've been holding it together pretty well but now I'm just tired and I don't give a shit about anything that's not him. I just want him, nothing else matters. I went back to my old house yesterday to finish cleaning and to leave the key and I spent about two hours just crying hysterically. I let my mind remember all of the moments we had in that house and it was overwhelming. I could almost see him walking down the hall and in the shower. He's everywhere yet nowhere. I don't want to let go. I want to hang on to him forever. I hate this! I hate my new house. I hate everything about my life now and I especially hate everyone for thinking I should be over it by now. Sorry for the rant, I'm a mess today.

I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. I lost my husband 13 weeks ago in an accident and I have a daughter that I'm left to raise on my own also. I just wanted to tell you that there are people here who understand what you're going through and we'll be here to listen anytime you need to vent. Take care of yourself and your daughter the best that you can right now and just take things one day at a time. For me the future is too overwhelming so I try not to think too far ahead. Hugs.

Kater- For some reason it didn't even occur to me to take pictures or to make a video but I'm going to do that now. Thanks for bringing that up. I've been in this house so long it feels like I'll never forget it but I know over time I will. It feels so weird that I'm leaving without my husband. The more I think about it the more I start to panic. I need to stop thinking. Also my next door neighbor has become one of my closest friends over the last six or seven years and I'm sad that I won't be so close to him. He's been a huge support through all of this and whenever I'm freaking out and need somebody to talk to he comes right over and calms me down. I'm scared to not have him to lean on. I'm just scared of everything right now.

I'm moving to a new house next week and I'm starting to freak out. I've been in my house for 13 years and it's the only home I shared with my husband. I have to leave because the house is literally falling apart and I'm mentally falling apart from all the memories that it holds but I'm still sad because it feels like leaving this house makes it real, he's never coming home. It's just a house but it's more than that. I just moved into this house when I met my husband so this house is where our entire relationship took place over almost 13 years. This is where we had our first kiss, the first time we said “I love you", he proposed to me in this house, our wedding reception was in our backyard, we brought our new baby home to this house, I saw him for the last time in our kitchen and it was in our livingroom where two police officers told me he was killed. Moving for me usually means a fresh start but I don't want to start over, I just want him. I'm scared and I don't know how I'm going to start a new life without him. I know it's silly but I feel like I'm abandoning him, like I'm giving up on him. I feel like he's going to come home and wonder where we went. I'm terrified to leave but I can't stay. I feel like I'm not just physically moving but I'm moving on from him and I hate it. Overall this just sucks!

I lost my husband in May and things were very awkward between me and my in-laws for about six weeks after he died. Like you I was very emotional and I felt like they weren't emotional enough. Five weeks after he died was the fourth of July which also happens to be my husband's birthday. Every year his family has a bbq to celebrate both events and this year his parents decided to go a head with the party even though we just lost L. I wasn't looking forward to the bbq but I didn't want to be alone on his birthday so I went thinking we would all be together to mourn L on his birthday. Anyway, the entire day goes by and not one person mentions his name. Everyone is laughing, drinking, eating and having a good time like nothing ever happened while I'm dying on the inside. I couldn't believe that it was his birthday and no one seemed to care that he just died. I was so mad but I held it together and left early. I guess the point of sharing my story is to show that families are weird and people seem to like to live in denial. I know my in laws were in pain that day but they chose to handle it by pretending everything was normal. Me, I wanted to scream and cry and rip my skin off but for them I pretended to be ok. Things have gotten a lot less awkward between us and we're all making an effort to see each other on a regular basis. I have their son/brother's only child so they want to see her. If it were just me I don't know what things would be like though.

My heart breaks for you, I know it doesn't help but I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband a little over three months ago in an accident and I'm feeling the same way you are, lost and hopeless. At this point the only thing we can do is take one day at a time. If I start to think about the future I stop myself because it's too overwhelming and depressing. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I'm in too much pain myself to offer you hope but I will be here to listen to you vent when you're feeling miserable and alone. Take care.

I wish I had some words of wisdom but the only thing I can tell you is that you're not alone and what you're feeling seems completely normal. My husband died just a little over three months ago and I'm struggling with that hopeless feeling myself. I've seen a few glimmers of light here and there but overall I've been in a dark place for 13 weeks. Sometimes you have to just ride it out. You just lost your husband, you are allowed to be sad. Cry when you need to and get it all out (maybe not at your desk but you know what I mean.) I usually feel better after I allow myself to lose it and I'm able to get back to doing what needs to be done.

I'm so sorry, I wish I had a time machine for all of us. A few weeks after my husband died (yuck, I still hate saying that) I started a journal and I began writing down all kinds of random things about my him so I wouldn't forget who he was. I actually made a list of things he loved and things he hated. I'm so afraid of forgetting who he was. I try to write down as much as I can while he still feels close to me.

84 days ago I said goodbye to you in our kitchen at 6:30 in the morning. I had no idea that I would never see you again and that you would be dead in less than seven hours. I remember talking to you in the bathroom and then again in the kitchen before you left for work. We talked about the baby being sick and you told me that you got up with her a few times throughout the night (sorry, I didn't hear her.) I remember watching you put on your work boots and we said “I love you" like we always did and then you left. It was a regular morning. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't see you later that day or ever again. In 84 days I've experienced every horrible emotion you can imagine, fear, sadness, anger, loneliness, terror, agony, guilt, hopelessness, sorrow, depression, pain, rage, heartbreak, panic, horror, desperation... I just miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss my best friend. I miss all of you. I love you. Please find a way to make this not real, come home. Find a worm hole or something, travel back in time and let's fix this shit. I'm serious (or seriously crazy), I love you.

I really have found my people, I also hate when people say how strong I am. A friend of mine just recently said something like “I don't know how you do it, I would probably kill myself or go insane if my husband died." Well, I guess I just didn't love my husband that much because I'm still living and while do I feel slightly crazy I still manage to function like a normal human each day. I know she didn't mean it as an insult but people say stupid shit sometimes. I'm not strong but I don't have a choice but to go on each day because I have a two year old depending on me. We all do what we need to do to make it through the day. If you feel better hanging out with your friends then hang out with your friends. Who the hell is to say what's normal? It's not normal losing your husband at such a young age so do whatever you need to do to survive the day. I think it's pretty normal to try to avoid pain. Feeling pain sucks! Some days I feel it more than others. Some days I cry all day and some days I pretend my husband is at work because I'm sick of crying. I play games with my mind because I can't handle reality. Grief is a weird and horrible thing that we all process in our own way.

I'm moving in a few weeks so I'm hoping being in a new house and a new neighborhood will help me get motivated to get out more. There's a large park down the street from the new house so I plan I taking her there often once we move. It's just so hard going to places that we used to go to as a family. We took the baby out a lot so there really isn't anywhere I can take her that we haven't been to already when there were three of us. I guess I need to just suck it up and get out more. I do take her out now just not as much as I should (unless you count Wal-Mart.)

I hate Saturdays! L used to work half days on Saturday and get home around 1. We would normally go out to lunch then take the baby to the park. It's 1:45 now and I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for him to come home. I don't want to go anywhere by myself and I don't have anyone to do things with. Eventually I know I need to get used to doing things on my own but I'm not there yet. I feel bad for my daughter because all we do now is sit in the house and watch cartoons most of the day. I can't take her to the parks that I went to with my husband because it's too painful. I hate the park now. I hate seeing all those happy families and all those kids with their dads. I feel like a shitty mom. My daughter deserves a better life and I feel like I'm letting my husband down. I just miss being with him. I miss my best friend.

L and I used to love going for walks in the woods on cold mornings. We would walk for hours and just talk and sometimes play like little kids. We were never bored together. We could spend hours just talking about silly stuff or have really deep conversations. I miss talking to him and hearing his voice. I remember this one time we went for a walk in an unfamiliar hiking area and we got pretty lost. Of course L insisted that we weren't lost and we walked for at least five hours before we made our way back to the road. L is the only person in the world that I could have fun getting lost with. I never worried with him. I always knew that he would keep me safe.

I think people want to believe I'm doing well that way they don't have to feel guilty for not being there for me. If I'm fine everyone can move on with their lives and forget that this horrible thing ever happened. I just feel like no one in my real life understands what I'm going through and I'm all alone and it sucks. Thanks for letting me vent. I found this site a few weeks ago and I've been reading everyone's stories and I know that everyone here does know how I feel.

Thanks for responding. Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am but I feel like I'm falling a part. I'm functioning because I have a toddler to take care of but inside I'm a mess. I hardly have any help with my daughter and I'm so overwhelmed doing everything by myself. I went to a grief support center a few times but I don't think I'm going back. I actually went to a widows support group this week and I felt like a total outcast there. All of the women were much older than me and have been widowed for many years already. They were sitting around talking about their cats and gardens and I just wanted to scream and run away. I don't seem to fit in anywhere anymore. I just feel so hopeless and I hate feeling this way. I know I need to accept that this is my life now but I'm not ready to let go of my husband. Part of me thinks that he's still coming home. I feel like I'm in limbo waiting for him and I can't move on. It's just unfair and I'm mad.

Okay, so here it goes, this is my story, I'm 39 years old my husband died 11 weeks ago in a work related accident, he was 42. We were together for almost 13 years and have a two year old daughter. She's his only child. I have another daughter from a previous relationship. L helped me raise her. She was only 9 when we met. My whole life has been shattered. L was my best friend, my world, my absolute everything. These past 11 weeks have been agony. I feel hopeless, overwhelmed, terrified, heartbroken and lonely. I just miss him and want my life back. Some days are a little better than others. The weekends are the worst. My heart breaks for our daughter. My husband was an amazing father and loved our daughter so much. I hate my new life and want to wake up from this nightmare. If it weren't for my little one I would have ended my life the first night but because of her I have to go on. I don't know what I'm supposed to do with my life now. I feel like my entire future has been taken from me. I go through the motions of the day but I feel dead inside. He was my soul mate. I'm trying to hang on but each day I feel worse. I just want him to come home.