hachi

I have taken a small urn with me on every trip I have taken over the last few years, in a carry on bag. Never been asked about it. I do have the paper somewhere but never think to bring it until I am already standing in the security line!

Hey Riff, 5 years, like 1 year, we expect it to be some kind of milestone. We made it. Surely life will begin to feel different. Easier, or more "normal". Truth is, tomorrow will be much like today, and the milestones are really nothing more than markers of time. Much like the markers on the highway tell the distance. It only means something when you have destination. While we are consumed with "surviving", we don't really have any concept of what we are really acheiving. The distance we travel. And the life we are living along the way. While none of us chose this path, it is always amazing to me, reading the thoughts of those we now travel with, how blessed we are to have found each other. Go easy, my friend. It has been a great pleasure to walk with you and others on this road we didn't want to be on. Such an irony, as you so eloquently put.

Hi Gem, I don't know your story. But I know that I never really knew how to move on either. I just kept waking up every day and trying again. I know I tried to think of the holidays as "just a day" as Maureen said. I was happy to have friends and family who understood that I would try to "be there" as much as I could. But I always had an escape route. Always had my own car. I left early alot, but always attempted to "show up" Somehow, going through those motions helped me. There were even a few moments where I felt normal. However brief those moments were, they gave me a little hope. I remember the first time I laughed out loud... had a memory that made me smile and not break down with the sadness of missing him... my first "happy anniversary" Lots of different moments with mixtures of happiness and sadness. This will be my sixth Christmas without my DH. I have an added feeling this year of "well, it's not a big marker like 5, so do I get to feel the same way? Who will understand?" Thankfully, there is always someone here with an encouraging word. Hang in there, it is, as they say, the season of hope. I am not much of a Christian these days, but I do feel the hope. You are not alone... Marie

Thank you! What a wonderful thing to read today.

I like the tagline someone has here from Pink "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts We're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again"

Ahh, yes, the "Calendar of the Heart" I hope that today treats you gently. And that in the not too distant future you will have a happy memory. While I did not think I would, I did have my first anniversary of a happy day about a month later. Friends had taken me to a concert. It was a mixture of tears and laughter, but overall a happy memory, and I wish one for you, Leadfeather.

Bunny! I had that same song sung at my husbands memorial. It was sung by some friends, I also had this one, I could say it was his only favorite hymn..but honestly it was mine. He did love Van Morrison so it seemed appropriate..

It's not a specific date that brings me back here today. More the season. It's been playing me for a few weeks now. I think it is the ritual of the wood. We moved into our last home 10 years ago. It has a wrap around porch and the first thing he wanted to do was stack 3 cords of wood on it. My lovely porch. I hated that wood. We had to compromise and agree to stack it only as high as the railing. It was just one of those rites of fall... cutting splitting and stacking the wood. I can see him as clearly as if it was yesterday, his breath steaming in the fall air. I can hear the thud now and then of a piece of wood dropping, and I am tempted to run upstairs to the closet where his green army jacket is hanging to wrap myself inside it and see if it still smells like him. It doesn't, of course, and I don't. I look out the window and see it is just the sound of the wind pushing his empty rocking chair against the house. The porch is full of wood. Now it comforts me to know he would be happy seeing it. I will be warmed this winter, both by the wood and the memories. The sadness comes and goes.. but the love stays. Someone has a tagline here. "Death ends a life, not a relationship"

I wonder if we will always feel this way. I try hard to be grateful and to live in the present now, more than ever. But I feel much the same. It's that lost innocence.

I was just thinking the same thing!

Got the fridge fixed and made it home last night! Yay! I'm in!!

Well I have been very hesitant to say yes because of things that I have to get done, but I am hoping (fingers crossed) that my refrigerator repair at the cabin goes swimmingly tomorrow and I can come home tomorrow night and see you all on Sunday. If it takes me longer, I could come straight from there ( I think it would be about a 4 hour drive ) but I will have Nico (dog) with me, so not sure if that is okay. He and Rosie are cool, but I can't remember if you have a dog or allergies or anything like that, so... I think I am just going to hope for easy fridge repair and home tomorrow!!! 8)

I should also say that I wanted to take off about 6 months to hike the AT. I haven't completely given up the idea, although my family hates it. But at the rate I am going, I may be 70 before I am able to! LOL

While I couldn't run away on any kind of scale that you are comtemplating, I did take a couple of extended trips. Mostly places we had planned to go. I either went alone or with a girlfriend. I don't know much about cycling, but I would assume you would stop for the nights and find yourself in places with other travelers, or the local people. I did not find my travel time alone isolating, but rather I was much more inclined to engage with people wherever I went. I made some new friends in far away places, and have been back to visit some of them. If I could take a year off to that, I would in a heartbeat. I hope you do this, if it is something you truly want to do.

Oh SB, This rings home for me and I so feel what you are going through. I was fifteen. My mom, whom I adored came to me with a letter to give to my dad. She wanted me to give it to him. After 23 years and 6 kids, she was leaving. She said that he didn't love her. How I wanted to hate her. I felt burdened, confused, angry... so many things. But somehow, deep down I knew that she was right. She had hung in there for years. I just recently visited my father in FL for a couple of days. He is 87. Tired and getting ready to call it a day. (Euphenism of course) He is still trying to figure out why she left. After being married again to a nice lady for for 30+ years. He asked me. I can't tell him. I feel bad for my step mother. Why does the heart go on yearning for what it wants even though it is hopeless. (IE my heart wants my husband...) I don't know how to comfort you, except to say that I know what the pain of being a young girl, holding the secrets of adults.

Fuck that maybe hundreds of people in Vegas are senselessly in this fucking club. Fuck fuck fuck :'(

***sigh*** oh yeah

And there it is. I knew YWBB would surface. Too bad. This what i remember. I am taking my ball and going home. I have watched alot of this, and given a wide berth. I know that everyone comes from a different place of experience and try to understand where they are coming from. There have been plenty of times I have reacted extremely to things posted, but this time, the OP was asking why this board is quieter. And this is why. No one sets out to deliberately offend anyone, at least, I don't perceive it that way. Maybe I am just stupid. But the ideas floated here seemed to me to be genuine. Not an attack on anyone else, but an answer to the question in the perspective of the poster. Not gospel, just an opinion. (Oops, used the word gospel, does that make me a right wing christian looking for validation?)

While I agree that there isn't the constant activity of the other board, I feel that this board in general is much more civilized. Yes, we have our occasional hurt feelings and misunderstandings, but it is not even close to the tone the old board could take at times. I like it. At five years, it is still a place I feel safe and connected to others in a way I don't always feel IRL. Maybe we censor ourselves a little more now? I know i don't post as often, and there have been many times I have deleted a response before posting, because I felt it would not help the situation.

Yeah, I am sad, but I really need to get down to see my dad and those were the dates that worked. I normally see him in January, but he is slowing down and I feel the need to get there sooner... :'(

I would love to do this again, but unfortunately won't be around that weekend.

At five years, I still sometimes feel that disconnect in different ways, at different times. With NG, I was very fortunate that he could get through these periods and not feel that the "disconnect" was his fault, or my fault. Just that it was. And it was OK. I'm sure someone less patient would have ended it. There were even times that I didn't think I would care if he did. But as I have said in other threads, time has been a friend to us, and even though I remain forever changed, I still have a well exercised heart that can reconnect and our relationship has deepened. I suppose it is about managing expectations. I had none for so long. That can't be easy on the other end.

Yup - me too. Five in July. Glad to see you checking in here LB!

Oddly for me, this year, also year 5, the days after were really difficult. I had sort of convinced myself that I had this. This year was going to be okay, after all, we have survived 100% of the hard days so far. So I got through most of it pretty easily, but the few weeks after, oh my. It seemed like it hit me with a vengeance. I am better this week, just emotionally exhausted. Hikermom, I so agree with your statement that all of the losses circle back to that original loss. Thinking of you, and the rest of our 5 year club...

I eloped in a borrowed dress, so the sentimentality for a wedding dress is not there for me. Would you consider donating it? There are different organizations that do different things as far as proceeds from selling it and/or providing a dress to military and first responder brides....