hachi

consort - he likes it, he says it makes him feel royal, exotic and a little bit naughty

They all work for me 8)

My little gym is closed until tomorrow, but we are moving the weight bench into the "living room". It is not actually a living room, more of an area that we just don't use except to collect stuff. So, today I took down the tree and moved some furniture around and now our little useless area is a workout area! It was one year ago on the 23rd that I started doing cardio 3 hours a week. I increased it to 5 over the last few months and added 1 hour of weight training. Hoping to increase that to 3 with the home gym... I am pleased that my results, although not spectacular, are steady and continue.

This is my life. Every single day. I have so much joy, but it is wrapped in heartache. At our family gathering last night, my BIL (DH's only remaining brother) and his wonderful girl, hosting the party, made a surprise announcement. We have all been waiting for them to tell us they are going to get married. Well, they snuck off to the town hall yesterday and did it. Such a joyous moment. I am truly happy for them and so glad they did not wait another minute. Even as I type this, I can't stop from tearing up as I did last night. Yes, outwardly they were tears of joy. But the truth is, all of these happy occasions are accompanied by this never-ending heartache. Will I ever get used to this pain? I suppose I will. I don't pay it as much mind anymore. But I know it's there. I am afraid if I ever stop feeling it, it will be because I can no longer feel anything, or it will have stopped beating altogether.

I lost my husband in July. At Christmastime, my brother invited an old friend to our family celebration. So basically he showed up at my door. I wasn't looking or ready for a relationship and struggled with it, but I could not see a good reason to send him away. We were living together by the following summer and the consequences of "just letting things happen" without a clear plan included a few misunderstandings along the way. But time has been a friend to us, and our relationship has gotten better and stronger. I don't feel compelled to marry. I miss my husband every single day. But somehow, I am content in my new life. Saturday, I was so, so sad. Trying not to let NG see how much I was struggling. He said "why won't you talk to me?" I said that I didn't want him to be upset that I was missing my husband so much. He said "How can I be upset that my girl has the biggest heart in the world?" Will this be forever? I don't really know what forever means anymore. I guess it will, because it is.

Southern NH - toward the coast...

I have increasingly been reluctant to post on my memorial page for DH. In the past few years I have often posted on special days, or whenever I wanted to share a memory or a thought. I don't really post when I feel really sad, it is not sadness I want to elicit by the posts, but just to keep him in our hearts and minds. Here's the problem. NG is part of the group that sees these posts. So I find myself censoring what I post because of his feelings. I am not saying that he has any problem with the posts, In fact, I know he sees every one of them and more often than not, "likes" the post. I have thought about taking him out of the group, but that seems a little harsh and I feel like if I do that, I am telling him that this is a part of me he can't share. On the other hand, there are days when I really do want to post something, but don't because I don't want to hurt his feelings, especially since so many of our mutual friends see these posts. I feel like it will cause confusion and they will think that because I still love DH so much and miss him that NG isn't enough for me. I guess, at the end of the day, I am lucky to have this place to go to that belongs only to us who can understand this strange thing we call our heart.

At the risk of sounding polly-anna-ish (I know it's not a word) this is a story about my DH and I from a long time ago. Once in a while, in the company of our friends or family, DH would say "Beer, Wench!" and I would trot off to the kitchen, cooler, where ever there happened to be the beverage of his choice and bring to him. It was a silly kind of joke, and would often bring out some indignation in my sisters or women friends. Even some of the guys would raise their eyebrows. Finally one time, my sister couldn't stand it and said, "How can you let them talk to you that way?" I batted my eyes and said "oh that's easy. I know he says "Beer, Wench!" but what I hear is "Darling, love of my life, would you be so kind as to find me a beer? You know how lazy I am and how much I appreciate the way you wait on me, oh and by the way, I just love you like crazy!" She just rolled her eyes, made vomiting noises and walked away in a huff. My DH and I just laughed our heads off. Since then, I really do filter things this way. When someone says they know how I feel, I translate it this way.... "I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do know something about loss, and I am sorry for yours." Especially easy for me to do if I think the person is genuine, and is trying. I will admit that it took some practice.

I think part of the problem is the limits of the English language in general. There just simply isn't a term for one who has lost the person in the whole wide world who meant the world to us. If there was, we could use it. Why is it that we can label or describe so many things, but not this? I remember a discussion, I don't know which board it was from but it was about the Portuguese word "saudade" - but it is not a proper noun, I don't think, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saudade

Hikermom, You are in no way a failure as a mother. My children never gave me one single ounce of angst until the day they became teenagers. I spent 2 years praying forgiveness from God for wishing I had never had them. The good news is, it isn't permanent. You will not always feel that way. I guess they go through this so we will eventually let them leave the nest! The bad news is, it takes time. My daughter started into the woods at fourteen. Didn't make it fully out until about 19. In other good news, my professional disinterest may be at an end. I have decided to take the position with my old boss and they want me to start on Jan 4. I am just dreading giving notice. My current boss has been out of the office so today is the day. I feel a little bit disloyal, but not like I did last week. I know this is the right choice for me. Wish me luck. If I cry, I will be disgusted with myself...

Anyone familiar with Tufts HealthPlan HMO? I have a PPO with Blue Cross Blue Shield of MA with my current employer. The new company has a Tufts HMO. My primary care participates, but a couple of my specialists do not. I have not had an HMO in a long time and even though my PPO is a high deductible plan, it works for me. It isn't feasible to buy it through the MarketPlace in NH, though. Should I be concerned about getting referrals and such?

This was a very tough area for me because I did not have the discussion early enough in my relationship with NG. He makes more money than I do, but his divorce left him pretty badly off. I own my assets and have a decent retirement plan. Ultimately, I do think our common goal will be to take care of each other, and if anything is left over, it will end up in a trust for my children, since most of the assets are from my marriage. As time goes on, I will change the terms of the trust to benefit NG more. Right now we have no plans to marry, but if we did, we would really need to spend time with the details. We have already acknowledged that we view money very differently, and that was an overdue conversation. It would have been so much easier to have worked it out before we jumped in. Good for you to be thinking of this before you combine households.

Still sticking with the Zumba classes, it will be one year in a couple of weeks. I also do a "boot camp" once a week. I have lost about 14 lbs this year by doing these classes and trying to control portion size. If I can do this again this year, I will be at my high school weight!

Second interview tomorrow and I am as conflicted as ever. This morning I was convinced I need to do this. Then I got to the office, and changed my mind. Ugghhhh

Right behind you Mac, on the timeline and also coming up on my 4th Christmas without Craig. It is bittersweet, and I am blessed that I can remember the good times with him, and not feel as alone in a crowd as I have in the past holidays.

Exhausting and painful. I remember being surprised by the physical pain I felt and carried around with me for quite some time. I must say that the exhaustion lasted longer, and sometimes it is still exhausting, but I hardly ever feel any physical pain now.

I think you said the right thing, Grace. I know that when I feel a certain way, being told I should not feel that way is a slap to me. I mean, I can't help how I feel. You responding with empathy is a wonderful thing. Assuring her that YOU don't feel that way is also appropriate, and helping her to figure out why she feels this way. If she only feels it because of what was said, and not because she was already feeling that way on some level, then maybe it will not be too difficult to encourage her.

(( ))'s Sorry about this CW, you are not a wimp!

On the days when I wonder if I dreamed it all up, I look at these and know without a doubt how much we loved each other...

Four years ago I accepted a position after being laid off when my company relocated. This was after a summer of unemployment, freaked out that my husband, who had undergone chemo and radiation would need medical care and my cobra benefits would run out. 8 months later, he passed away. My current boss has been wonderful to me in all this time. The company is pretty solid, and the benefits are great. One more year and I would pick up another vacation week. The only down side to this is that I absolutely hate my job. I find it completely and utterly unfulfilling. Most days, I spend at least 8 hours wishing I were anywhere else. I know that I am very fortunate to have a decent paying job, good working conditions and the respect of my boss. What more could I want, right? Well, my old boss reached out to me and I have been contemplating going back to work for him. In fact, I have an interview this afternoon, to meet his team. I feel terribly conflicted and don't know what I want. On the one hand, I want a new challenge, and to look forward to my workday. On the other hand, I will have to work a lot harder, and travel further. It is a crappy commute, and probably about 30 - 40% travel. Will I make more money? Maybe. Benefits should be comparable. Health insurance might not be as good. The reality is that in my present job, if my boss goes, I go. Is he likely to go? Big unknown. He has been here for decades, so it is unlikely. But having been through acquisitions and becoming a publicly traded company before, well, anything is possible. I am so tired of the professional disinterest, but am wondering if I am being foolish at this stage. Should I just suck it up and coast for a few more years? I don't know. At any rate, I will do my best this afternoon and see what we have to offer each other and take it from there. I hope I will find some answers.

On my calendar! Either place...

Oh yeah! I will find a way to make this!

YES! Live intentionally.

My favorite DGI divorced person is my sister. She went through a horrific divorce mostly due to mental illness around the same time my DH passed away. We have learned so much from each other over the past few years. We will never understand each others pain completely. And that's okay. Although her marriage ended badly, she mourns the 20 happy years she had with him. He is not dead, but he is not the same person either. She has learned never to begin any sentence with "at least..." and has become the one person I can share my memories of my DH with open and honestly. Last night she said to me "since you are crying already, (veteran's day posts on FB, and he was an army vet) can I show you something?" She proceeded to play a video of a cousins wedding where she was supposed to be taping the bride and groom but kept straying to DH and me dancing to Van Morrison's "Have I told you lately that I love you" and just having a great time laughing and holding each other. I did cry, but it was a good cry to remember how much I was loved and how I adored him. I am so glad we got past the stages of feeling we DGI with each other. Maybe we will never get it completely, but we "get it" enough to help each other. Sometimes, I think people just want to relate to us so badly, but can't. And it comes out wrong. Sometimes. Other times, yeah.

I get this. I find that I express my disappointment much more easily than I used to. NG invariably says "you are angry", and usually my response is "I feel hurt and frustrated". I guess it comes off as anger. But I think it is healthier for me to let it be out there. They are my feelings and I don't have to disown them for anyone. I do try not to dwell on it. Especially if it is something where we have to agree to disagree. But I am not going to pretend something is okay, when it clearly isn't. Apologize if you have something to apologize for. But don't apologize for your feelings.