Love2fish

Very interesting. Too bad I have ng or I would ask for a meet & greet. I never met a woman who embodied more than 3 of my 'no mores'

I think we are all closer to agreement than might have been obvious. I too started with the idea that a widow would be best. I quickly realized that widows come in every variety and there was really no greater odds that a widow would understand and love me better than any other woman. I think that is why I resisted putting anything down on a list after that lesson. Bunny: ‘no more musicians!’ thanks for the chuckle. I actually heard that a couple times on M&Gs And like you my only list was a growing list of deal killers. No more alcoholics, hoarders, borderline personalities, no more than two cats, no less than 3 food groups.

In five years I was in 6 serious relationships. It's always 2 broken hearts.

Very wise counsel, thank you for stating that so clearly sudnlysngl. Dw's best friend became a grief counselor. I told her that I was going to be dating soon. Scandalously soon. She was unfazed. Told me to go for it. She told me that her opinion was that I was going to fall down and it would hurt and I should get up again till I had learned to walk. Just like a baby learns.

No disrespect to either of you fine ladies. I love it that some people know what they are looking for. You have my respect and best wishes. But me, I had no list. One of the ladies I met remains a friend today. She kept pushing me to make a list. She really wanted me to succeed . (I think I have) She kept saying "How are you going to know when you found the right one unless you know what you are looking for?" I stubbornly resisted making that list. And I think that has worked out for me. I told NG one evening I had not been looking for some one like her because I never could have imagined that someone like she existed. How could I have put her qualities on a list?

Been there, done that. As have others here IIRC. That is not to say your story is not unique. No two of us have exactly the same story. I am going on six years out. Within days of DW passing I told my sons and her closest friends that I would be dating very soon. I don't regret it to this day. I made mistakes which I do regret but working on building a new life was not a mistake. Sorry you are here, glad you are reaching out.

Very happy to hear that things have worked out J. Questions like this are always going to be seen on a spectrum. I appreciate anyone who will discuss such things and make an honest contribution. I think we all have a comfort zone and that we should allow that comfort zone to be challenged. That is when growth is possible. Without growth there is no life. Thank you fro giving us the chance to think about this.

This should be required reading for anyone doing the online dating. Honesty with the details! I never met a woman who had obviously lied about her age with the numbers but I met more than a few who lied with their photo. Interestingly the worst three were all realtors. Occupational hazard? Realtors all use the same photo on business cards year after year.

I have always agreed with RAM and Abitlost on this subject. I pride myself on being meticulously honest. CL was impressed from the first moment on our meet & greet because I looked just like my photos. I was honest about my dad bod and my average height and the lines in my face. There is an interesting article on Smithsonian.com titled Study Looks at Why We All Spew So Much BS The article makes a good case arguing that everyone will spread the BS but there is a difference between BSing and lying. I would say that someone who deceives about their age is a liar actively trying to divert someone from the truth.

Well said CW. There are great people out there for all of us. Finding them is the trick. I had as many false starts as anyone I've met, and a few of them were quite painful. I especially agree with your comment about being honest with yourself and those you meet. That is easier said than done but is essential work and must be done. An open mind about what you may be looking for is a good idea as well. When I first started looking I thought that only a widow would do. I expected that a widow would understand things the way I understand them. That idea now looks like nonsense. Nobody experiences life, love, and loss the same way that anyone else does. And many people don't even know what they are looking for until they realize that they have found it. Case in point. The lady I am living with now had no intention of finding a committed LTR. She lived alone for 34 years before we met and was only looking for casual dating. If I had known that I probably would not have asked for the M&G. I am glad we met though. After 70 years life still holds surprises.

I am very sorry you qualified to join our group of widows Leadfeather. You were right to let the lady know it's in her court if there is a next step. In the meantime get out there at least a couple nights a week with new ladies. Show your mom how to use POF and Ourtime.

klim & Captains wife both make good points Momto, I found myself in this situation more than once. Multiple conversations going on and sometimes multiple M&Gs set up. Then someone comes along who just might be the one. What to do about the others I had been talking to? There is no good answer to that question that I ever found. The best I found was to be open and honest with all. My gilf friend and I both had numerous others that we were talking to or had dates with before we met. She still (after 10 months) has a couple guys who check in to make sure she is still unavailable and she writes to tell them we are happy together and plan to keep it that way. The ladies I had been talking to, or had recently met, thanked me for my honesty and asked that I get back to them if things changed. One of them had a cute way of saying it "If miss 1st place is unable to complete her term please call me first runner-up." No two situations are alike and you are dealing with a recently divorced guy. Another animal altogether. Good luck with that. I share my experience just to offer another perspective.

Keep the faith Kaycee. I can tell from your last post that you have this problem under control. This is a great place to vent. I get the "can't help missing him" thing. Be kind to yourself. We don't always fall in love with the right people or even good people. I'm glad you dodged that bullet and that you will try again.

I like your attitude T2B. "Have a pleasant time" I wish I had known that sooner in my dating. I eventually caught on and had some real fun M&Gs even when it was obvious to each of us that no LTR was going to happen. Those were some of the best encounters. There were other M&Gs, especially in the first year, that weren't so easy going. I met several ladies who absolutely hated feeling like they had to do the M&G. One told me she felt like she was putting herself in a shop window in Amsterdam. I felt so sorry for her.

I think I could feel the same way after hearing such a story Bunny. But I think it's better when one lives on. To remember and to create new memories. I met a very old widow in my first month. She told me that my job was to go and make another woman happy and to waste no time about it. Her wisdom was that widows know how to do that and why. Tonight is the 5th anniversary for me. I have a good life. I am grateful for the life I had before as well. Saying these things here feels a little like saying them to DW tonight. Is that odd?

That may sound obvious but it's an easy thing to ignore when the loneliness is too intense. One part "anything is better than what I feel now" arrogantly stirred with "I know how love works" baked in self deception is a recipe for disaster. Don't ask me how I know this.

Peanut butter & toast & bacon can be comfort breakfast lunch or dinner. Often was.

You expressed that so well Bunny. I can identify with the widow you met. I am 5 years out. I progressed faster than most (typical guy) but I can be brought to tears over the silliest little things. Just a few days ago NG said something that I had not heard since DW spoke of it a decade ago. My eyes got teary, I turned away from NG, she never saw my mood change. I could have bawled my eyes out if I had been with a widow friend. But NG does not need to hear these things too often and I am also comfortable letting the moment pass with a sweet thought of DW as my little secret.

Good for you NT! Having fun is job #1 for a M&G. You did it once you can do it once a week now NT! Of course if this one turns into a relationship and is your last M&G that would be OK as well. pro tip: Wait a few days to see if he contacts you. After that it's OK to send him a message that you enjoyed the date and if he'd like to get together again you would like that.

I vote for doing coffee NT. What have you got to lose? You can always (almost always) have fun with a M&G. Everybody has some funny stories if you can pull them out. After that it's up to you if anything more is going to happen.

^^^^ What everybody said ^^^^ ! I particularly like her explanation of how the heart grows, builds another room that does not diminish anything.

Dishes need to be dried? Who knew?

^^^ This says it for me. I had over a year to grieve before DW was gone. I knew I would recouple I wasted no time working on it. I have no doubt and feel no shame saying that a man, or at least this man, needs a woman more than a woman needs a man.

A couple thoughts from my own experiences for you jgib. Early on in my dating I Emailed with a woman for over two months. We seemed quite infatuated with each other. Our romance lasted until we met. The other person can be anyone you want them to be as long as you never meet. Towards the end of my dating I began insisting that we meet after as few emails as possible. Chemistry can only be judged in IRL. I also had a bad experience as a result of long distance dating. For long distance to work (for me) there had to be a lot of good chemistry. If you are going to travel an hour or more for a date you need strong motivation. Spontaneity is almost impossible. If there is a strong attraction then the pressure to advance the relationship quickly is increased with long distance. The first sleep-over happens a lot sooner than it would otherwise. It is too easy to get involved with someone that you don't really know. That being said, I would not rule out long distance, just be aware of pitfalls. The NG lived 80 miles away and things are going very well with us.

I feel like I have to tell the rest of the story. I was married twice. The first ended badly. The flash point was when a "friend" told my wife that she had seen me at Mc D's with a woman. Our marriage was rocky already but without that flash point could we have worked things out? I think that maybe we could have. I wanted to try. BTW I was innocent. I planned on having my wife meet our new friend and neighbor. If only the rat fink had confronted me honestly before talking to my wife, the politics of the situation would have been totally different. If I met that rat fink today, 40 years later I would feel the sting again.