JacklessSally

(((Baylee))) ... That is all I have to offer. I am so sorry...

One day I'm actually going to have spare money to attend this sort of thing!

[*]Radio Hell is back! [*]I went to my social media class last night, and I think I learned something [*]We will FINALLY moving forward on B's headstone!

Skin on skin contact, and heart beat... I'd be happy too if their was a little chest hair for me to mess with. I don't think I'm really ready for much more than half naked cuddling.

Boss man! *Big squeezy hug* Thank you for sharing this! And thank you to the glorious mystery voice who belted that out perfectly. I had long forgotten about this song (part of my life before B) but now I just wanna blare Flogging Molly in the office [virtual and real] all day! Happy try not to pinch a leprechaun day! *Drags in the totes of merchandise, the idea pin board, my camp chair and my lap desk* Where you want me?

I can?t hear anyone talk about love without thinking plane crash. locked door. snapped matchsticks. a choir of heartache. Every face, a costume of loss. Trumpet voices in the second line marching band out of my funeral home heart. What I know about grief, I learned in a winter in New Orleans. Nights I would drive the city, end up by some massive body of water. Sob at the shoreline. Stare the beast in its face, and it didn?t give a shit how loud I screamed. It roared back louder. It never stopped. Not even when I did. If there is anything that breaking like a wave has taught me. That grief has curb stomped into my teeth, it is that When love leaves, it doesn?t always shut the shotgun door on its way out. The last time I left my heart wide open, the hurricane in me got so bad the slamming of the stupid screen door kept me up for months. I couldn?t stop pouring out my insides. I couldn?t see the shoreline until I pealed my skin out of bed, looked straight at it and said ?Stupid door. You?re so fucking loud. Would you quit it already?? I didn?t know the carpenters in my heart until I needed ?em. For 3 months, my best friend called me every single morning just to make sure I was still alive. Because sometimes that is the hardest thing to do- just stay alive. On this planet full of zombie hearts. People walking around pretending to exist. It looks so god damned easy to play along. Listen for the people with the upturned palms whispering ?Here, take my sweater. It?s fucking freezing out there.? You deserve to make it home. You compass. Waterfall smile. Umbrella chest. Grand canyon elbows. Ignore the radio static lost signal hearts when all you want are directions back to the lighthouse where your own love lives through this god damned sea storm. Keep swimming. The lighthouse. It?s there. And it?s worth it. That kind of love only stays when it has to. And it stays. Every time. My Mama folded laundry in the hospital that I was born in so that I wouldn?t first see the world as some back road barn in Oregon. I come from a heart made from sturdy hands. A heart made to set sail. Ride the waves. The storm is always thick. It?s always loud. The road home. It?s quiet. Small. A warm you have to get used to. It?s a ship made from everyone that ever said they loved you and stayed when your heart slammed shut so loud you could not say it back. Sometimes, I am so spilling over with feelings that I have to sit in my room with the lights off. blankets pulled up over my head so I don?t explode out all of my insides. I am full. I am boiling over. I am fragile. I am terrified to say that. To say that I am fragile. I break like a bad habit. Like a fever. a windshield. I break like a wave. Sometimes love doesn?t stay, but mother fuck when it does. It is worth every fire extinguisher mouth that told you that you were not enough. It?s worth all the people that tried to put your loves honest flame out. That confused your birthday candle kiss. Firecracker mouth. For some blazing forest. torched chapel. Let ?em run out of you like a house up in flames. They won?t be the first. They won?t be the last. Pull the fire alarm. Let it rain.

4 Months for me landed on Friday the 13th. I wish I could give you more than just a cyber hug. I am in the same boat with the crying days and the DEEP crying days. Just have to take this 10 seconds at a time. (Big Hug)

Sometimes it is easier for me to just believe that I wasn't good enough, and he left me... Instead of what really happened..

I am so so so very sorry for your loss. I am glad you relocated to the new board along with us. I hope that the people of this fine forum (especially the ones with youngens) can help you through this tough time. ((hug)) -Tiffany

Same.. as well as working on Radio Hell merch instead of my work..

While we patiently await our fearless leader, the merchandising department needs some ideas for merch we could create for our favorite radio station, and to support Radio Hell's band The Despondents. What quote from Radio Hell's transmissions stands out to you, and you would rock on a shirt, tote bag, bumper sticker. We wanna hear from you! To the members of the Despondents: If you could each message me your location, I am working on putting together a tour poster of sorts, and want to make sure that your home town is a "stop" on the tour. Also, What did Radio Hell/Transmissions from Hell mean to you? Are you anxious for it's return?

Thank you for sharing this Dr.Banner.

Adding one to my list from yesterday.. I officially have my first therapy session booked.

Threw out two heaping handfuls of sample skincare products that I cant use or will never touch.

That sounds like an awesome opportunity! *fingers and toes crossed for you!*

Grace, Thank you for responding dear. I can take this information to my mother out of law and let her know this as well. I do have a random question for you.. So, my fiancee did not have a will, he and his wife (yeah..wife) were seperated for 5 years but not legally divorced (Paperwork was filled in October, he was killed in November). If no one (that we know of ) was granted probate, would that mean it was her?

Ok Wids, I need your brain power. My fiancee did not put anyone one his bank account information before he was killed. His mother went to close the account, but they could not release the remaining funds in his account to her. I have his wallet and his debit card and I know his pin number. We still get balance notifications for his account and it still shows a positive sum. Can anyone see where we/I could get in to trouble for using his debit card, with his pin number, to remove the funds from his account. There is no reason for them to just sit there...

I don't think it matters who the stuff belongs to, and actually, anything that belonged to your loved one is now yours anyway, so purge away! Rightey-o. I shall start this purge as well

[*]I saw the moon this morning! [*] My coworker sent me an NPR playlist this morning, and I actually like some of the music on it. [*] Getting to catch up with Sphoc this morning in chat 3 good things down, and it isn't even 9 am.

is the rule for it to be our stuff or our loved ones stuff?

Glad I am not the only one who thought this when I read it..

^ this.. 1000000 times this. Fuck the people who compare the loss of my love to the loss of their distant relative or their pet. You do not know EXACTLY how I feel...

Steak and lobster (Although I think im allergic to lobster) Radio played music or Underground indie music

Pardon the title, I couldn't think of a better name for it. While discussing loss with a fellow wid and widda.org member, I started to think about the loss that preceeds my personal loss in my family. 22 years ago, my mother woke up to find her husband had passed in his sleep due to complications of ALS. I was 7 years old. I didn't really understand loss at the time. I knew he was sick, and I understood in a way, that he was gone from our lives. I think being as young as I was made it slightly easier to swallow. My mother had only been with him 18 months. At the time 18 months seemed like sort of a long time, in hind sight I know that it was no where near long enough for her. A year or so later, my mother remarried. I did not get it, at all. How could she forget my step dad that quickly, and just move on. I think now I have more of an understanding about the whole situation. She isn't 100% happy in the marriage, but I think for her, it is better than being alone. 20 years ago my grandmother and step grandmother became widows in the same day. My grandfather was killed by a drunk driver in the late hours of the night. My step grandmother had lost her husband and the man that brought her a small family to call her own. My grandmother had lost the man who gave her her children and helped mold them into the wonderful people they grew up to be. Both women had had my grandfather in their lives for a considerable amount of time. I know for my step grandmother, even that amount of time was not enough. They were so happy together, that was very plain to see. 10 years after my grandfather passed away, my step grandmother started seriously dating a widower. They are still together and are very mad for each other. 8 years ago, my grandmother passed away on Valentine's day. After the divorce from my grandfather, and even after his death, she did not remarry or pursue a committed relationship. She was fiercely independent and knew she could navigate the rest of her life on her own. These 3 women all suffered the loss of their love. They each dealt with the loss in different ways. One remarrying out of convenience, one finding herself a widower who understands loss, and one remaining alone and independent. My mother told me recently that she still misses my step dad and talks to him on occasion. My step grandmother talks to me alot about loss. I go to her because she understands the sudden loss I have suffered. .... not sure why I am sharing this, I just thought it was interesting after giving it some thought...

Fire pit outside! Beer --or-- wine