Peony

Tulips (Peonies are even better though! Haha!!) Cheetos? Puffs or Crunchy

Hi sudnlysngl! I remember you from before as well. I am so very sorry you are having to go through this. My heart truly goes out to you! Peace and love!!!

Mike - I am so very sorry that you had to endure that painful moment! However, I am so thankful that you shared that experience because you reminded me of how it had happened to me once as well. Now I can prepare myself for if it happens again at the wedding. Mine was at a funeral for a really close friend. During a specific part of the service the priest said the names of those that had gone before us. It was already an emotional day for me & hearing Tyler's name just finished me off. It was full on ugly cry at that point. I wanted so badly to run out of the church, but I knew that would only bring attention to myself. So I just stood there silently melting, flood gates wide open & feeling like a complete idiot. It was one of those moments of maximum emotional impact that you desperately try not to have in public, but couldn't stop no matte how hard I tried. So I definitely appreciate you saving me from being blindsided this time. I can see it happening again at the wedding for sure. As you said, wonderful gesture, but... ??? Judy - I went back and read your post about your daughter's wedding day and the sign you received from John. I remember reading it back in December, but the Hawaiian shirt took on a whole new meaning for me today. Everything you wrote really resonated with me, but I especially loved this line... "This life is like a puzzle and this piece fits here and that piece there and some of my pieces go into other puzzles and I don't even know why. Sometimes I can feel when this is happening. When a piece that fits in my puzzle shows up I am always surprised but never doubt its origins. It still makes me weep, the beauty of this and the sadness of loss." I actually spent the whole morning reading a lot of your posts. You are a very eloquent writer and I find so much wisdom in everything you write. I am a very deep & contemplative person, but I lack the ability to coherently transfer any of my thoughts to words on a page. So I am always thankful for those of you that have that specific gift and talent! I never want to miss an opportunity to say thank you. Especially in a forum such as this, you are putting words to what the rest of us are feeling, but don't know how to say!

Thank you so much to everyone for all of your sage advice! CJF - Thank you for pointing out that either way is appropriate & fine. I really do appreciate knowing how things will appear to others on the outside. Bunny - Thank you so much for the article. That was a great resource to have and be able to give to my daughter. She found it very helpful as well. Mike - What an incredible man you have raised your son to be! That is so beautiful that he wanted both his mom and your wife included on the invitation & announcement. I absolutely love that he asked your wife to walk him down the aisle. That says so much about his character! Jeudi - The "Dad" chair brought instant tears to my eyes! What a terrific way to honor your husband and have him be part of the day! I have a follow up question, if you don't mind? What was the hardest part of the wedding day for you? I'm just curious to know what I'm in for? I cry easily anyway (a good cheesy commercial will do it) so do you have any advice for the tears? At this point I perceive the hardest part for me will be to see my son (brides twin brother) walk her down the aisle. It breaks my heart that it isn't her dad.

Congratulations on finding love again! That is truly awesome. I really identify with this since it is exactly the same challenge I have been dealing with myself. It is a sincere and constant struggle to try and find that perfect balance. When you are used to operating on that "high level of love" that was once the hallmark of your marriage, it is very difficult to back up and downplay those natural & instinctual emotions. I can only speak for myself, but I do believe that the emotions and experiences with SO's have been elevated to a new level as well. I wish this wasn't always the case. But after you have your whole world torn away, all of those "little things" take on a whole new meaning. Especially if you feel a deep connection and can really see a future with this person. As you said, the more will probably come with time. I'm sure that it will. Everything you said sounds very promising. We just have such a complicated relationship with time now. Plus, we have been so battered and worn, it's easy to understand how it's difficult to wait!

For those of you who have had a child get married, how did you word the invitations? Did any of you mention your spouse? My oldest daughter is getting married in November and we are trying to figure out what to say. I love the idea of mentioning DH, but I worry about making it awkward. Thank you!

This reminded me of something someone posted long ago. I wrote it down because I thought it was really good. I wish I knew who posted it because I would love to give them credit, but unfortunately I don't. "The death of a human being is a distinction worthy to stand alone and is not comparable to divorce. A compassionate person knows the difference, and does not compete. But tries to understand. I pray our society truly has not regressed so far that the major difference between the two cannot readily be identified!"

hikermom, This would be so hard because they are so personally DH. Plus, they capture a specific moment in time. The travel books would be hard because they are so personally and exclusively just the two of you. They touch that part of your heart where only the two of you existed. sojourner, This was definitely me as well.

This... "Five years of loss. Five years of tears. Five years of growth. Five years of survival. Five years of regrets and guilt. Five years of bittersweet steps forward. Five years of a completely new life." You have captured the 5 year deathaversary in such a profound way! You are a very talented writer and I love reading your work. It is very honest, sincere and inspirational! Peace & hugs!!!

Congratulations Maureen!!! You deserve all of the wonderful things coming your way!

My heart goes out to you! What a difficult week for sure. I am grateful that you have your family as well. It is true what you said, that the times that meant the most are now the hardest. My birthday and anniversary are back to back, so I understand completely! We are here for you, so just keep posting!

This was a beautifully written eulogy by your pastor. He did an awesome job of reflecting who your beloved Christine was with the imagery of how we are all reflections of God himself. The pastor intertwined the two in a very gifted way. After reading it, you do have a sense of how incredible and loving she truly was. Even though I know it could never even come close to the reality. I could re-quote the whole thing, but the following two really jumped out at me! This is such an amazing testament to who she was! I love that you have a copy of this to keep and look back on. Thank you so much for sharing it. It is something sincerely special indeed!

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Hugs to you LTSLforever, I completely get you! As Trying pointed out, the first stage of isolation is completely about self-preservation. Isolating to keep yourself safe and protected is not only valid, but necessary. Especially when there are complicating factors involved. Your willingness to get more involved says a lot about your resilience though. You are truly inspirational and your words will resonate with more readers than you'll ever know!

I second what Portside said! I always thought that I was just busy. Being a good mom even, if you will. It has taken my kids growing up to make me realize that I am just really detached from the rest of the world. Good intentions or not. I do feel the isolation more in the winter too. I am trying to make an effort though to come back out into the light. I know I have to but it is so hard to do. In some way or another Isolation = Safety!

JeanGenie I can certainly sympathize with what happened to you. I had the same thing happen to me a couple of weeks ago. I wish I could just blow it off, but it still hurts. More than I'd like to admit. I think it's not just the feelings but the injustice of it all that really bothers me. But I realized that I'm used to talking things out and compromising as you do in marriage. You know how you come back the next day and explain yourself or listen to the other persons side and you work it out. This being shut down out of nowhere is completely unfamiliar territory. So it just keeps recycling in my head. Also, Leadfeather touched on something that I have realized about myself lately as well. About the insecurities that I have incurred/created post death. I already feel that I am at a disadvantage in the dating world. But now I see that the time I have spent alone might actually be working against me as well. In some ways I feel hardened. But mostly because I know how truly vulnerable I am. You would never know that on the outside though. As someone else said here previously, I don't think I know how to date. Ironically I told the last guy that and he dropped me the next day. Haha, I have also learned that I need to stop being so honest and thinking out loud!

"I feel so exposed" I truly feel this! I have never been able to yet again find that elusive feeling of 'home' that I once had. I never took him for granted, but I also never knew how much of 'Me' derived from the 'Us' that we had spent our whole life building. But it makes sense really. The 'Us' we all miss is so full & intricate and intertwined into every fiber of our being. How could we not miss the whole package? I can still have happy times of course, but I've never been able to have that feeling of ease and comfort in my soul that came from being loved and someone's partner!

Your writing is very insightful and inspiring. I hope you have a wonderful and peaceful trip!

Thank you Mike! I sincerely needed & appreciate your opinion. You were spot on with all of it. As jgib said, I too will give your words the weight they deserve. I honestly do value the male perspective. It's hard when all you know is the female perspective & all of the voices in your head (of which there are many) are female too!

Hi Maureen! I think I found the YWBB board somewhere around 2010, but I never joined for various reasons. I cannot even put into words how valuable it was for my sanity at that time. Everyone on that board became my compass and helped me in a very real way to navigate this storm. Maureen, please know that you were a part of that! You, personally, have made a difference in my life. It is very much a privilege to be able to say Thank You! I have no doubt that there are others as well. The ripple effect of your wisdom cannot be measured at this point! I cheered you on when you married Polarbear & I was truly heartbroken when he passed away. Through your compounded pain you have been honest, raw and never afraid to be vulnerable. It has not gone unnoticed that you are often the first to respond to others when they post. Always ready with a kind word of compassion. Countless people have passed the way of these boards & certainly you have left an impression on every one! Since I cannot take away your pain, I would at least like you to know how appreciated you are! Hugs to you my friend!

Thank you Virgo! I did follow my gut instinct, but it feels bad. Being "that" person feels bad. Little does he know that I cut it off early in an effort to be honest & not lead him on. I actually have an analogy about why I hate dating. Hopefully it makes as much sense outside of my head as it does inside. It's kind of like when you go buy a new car. You are picky about everything. Maybe black, no maybe red. Should I get the leather or the cloth? What about the add on's? You walk around it and make sure it's you. Good fit inside? Where's the blind spot when I drive it... etc. You all know what I mean. But you're being reasonable cause it matters & it's a big purchase. You want it to be right. Dating is much of same process, but with feelings! Real people are complicated and it doesn't feel as good judging every little thing. But you have to in order to make a reasonable, responsible decision. There's just something really wrong and uncomfortable about test driving people! Does this part get easier in time?

Hi! I'm new here, but I've been a widow for 8 years. I just recently started the online dating. I texted someone for 4 days and just this morning told him I didn't think we were going to be a match. I don't think he took it well, but I felt like something was off. I feel really bad, but I don't know how I could have done it differently. I hated dating when I was young, and it's even worse now. I go back and forth between thinking, don't be so picky and take your time, the right guy will come. I second guess everything. Plus I am well aware that even though my children are older now, this person needs to be a good fit for them too. So there is far more pressure than when I met my husband at 18. It was just so easy, sincere and uncomplicated!