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TheWidowWhisperer

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Everything posted by TheWidowWhisperer

  1. A minor point but one I feel compelled to make: we had drinks and then walked to a nearby restaurant. After we were seated and I looked at the menu I realized it was a pork place. When I told a girlfriend about it later she said; "yes, they're famous for their pork." Our original destination was a mediterranean restaurant which was a style of food I had expressly requested. I don't know why there was a change in restaurant. I was willing to try a second date originally because sometimes you need more information. I think I stated above that I did find him attractive and he was interesting. As I became more mired in my sadness over the weekend, the last thing I wanted to do was spend time with a new person. His reaction upon hearing I was sad was all I needed to know about him. There was no empathy whatsoever. I strongly disagree that I had any obligation whatsoever to tell someone who clearly wasn't showing any empathy towards me anything more than I wasn't up to seeing him. To those who think I was cheap or cowardly, if you've never felt cornered by a person's strong personality or never felt physically overwhelmed by someone, I envy you. Online dating (or any dating) can be a little creepy and the idea of making an enemy in the dark is not something I embrace. When someone has followed you to the ladies room and is pressed against you saying; "when can I see you? come to San Francisco with me this week? I'll come back early to see you? I don't want to wait to see you!" what exactly would you say? Please don't think of it theoretically, empathize; put yourself in that situation. It's late, you've actually enjoyed his company and there is an attraction. What would you do? I am surprised and a bit stung by what I sense as some hostility to what I shared. Mr. Bourdain's death struck very close to home. And the realization that I actually did not have to keep my grief hidden from people who potentially want to have a relationship with me was stunning. I have been dating for about 3 years and have never wanted to burden anyone with my loss and continued sadness. It was equally stunning to realize that sharing the lows would actually go far in helping who was worthy of the highs. I appreciate those posts who sound supportive and understanding, but it hurts a bit to read those that sound chastising and angry.
  2. Yesterday over eggs with a friend that I realized that not only could I get out of a 2nd date with a man who was coming on too strong but the way to do it was by telling him the truth! It felt revelatory. Simply by saying; "Anthony Bourdain's death was a trigger for me, I'm having a hard time" I could scare him away for good. The truth could set me free. I try not to get any of my widow stuff on men I date. Sure it comes up, and I don't shy from talking about my husband in relationships, but I rarely if ever talk about being sad. Funnily enough I still think these men should demonstrate a little sensitivity and be nicer to me than perhaps they usually are. When the most serious relationship I had (post widowhood) ended, I was stunned when the man told me my widowhood was my problem like his (15 year) divorce was his. I had just told him that lying to a widow about feelings and intentions was not an okay thing to do. Clearly he disagreed. So back to yesterday. I've wanted out of this 2nd date since I agreed to it. I agreed to it just to shut him up. He was coming on so strong (physically as well as verbally) and I just wanted a clear exit. He's a nice looking man that checks a lot of the boxes but the coming on too strong is a complete and utter turn off. He doesn't see me or have any interest in seeing me. He wants a woman. A partner. A bedmate. A wife. If pawing me all night wasn't indication enough, inviting me to London for our second date was. Still not convinced? He insisted we'd have to share a room. Okay, you wanna chalk that up to "never hurts to ask", fine. What about when I tell him I don't eat pork and he takes me to a (very fancy) restaurant known as a pork restaurant. There was one dish I could eat. Clearly he not only didn't see me but didn't hear me. In the days after the date he asked THREE times if I could see him on Sunday. Twice I told him I was busy. I ran outta steam by the third query. So sitting with my friend, talking about how sad I've been the past few days we came up with a plan. It was so simple, so liberating, so freeing. Just tell him the truth. This man will run for the hills. And just like that he texted. You couldn't wish for a better cinematic moment. "How's your weekend going?" "Not great. I've been having a hard time" "Oh, I'm sorry to hear. What's wrong?" "I think Anthony Bourdain was really a trigger for me." "Are you still up for tomorrow?" - TA DA!!!!!!!!!!!! Did you get that ending? I shared that I was having a hard time regarding death and loss and his response is about the date. It was all just so easy. Getting out of it, getting confirmation of who he is...the truth really will set you free!
  3. I would've loved to have been home and on my couch last night! I was feeling fragile and tense (I think Anthony Bourdain's death was a trigger for me.) I actually got teary while walking in the park thinking of having to go out that night. It was a quarterly-ish dinner with hometown friends. One, the most "friend" of these friends, has pretty much ignored me since getting a boyfriend a year ago. I was a clear and present friend to her throughout my marriage and subsequence relationships and feel utterly abandoned by her. The others I do not feel intimate enough with or see often enough to be "real" at dinner. So I simply drank too much at the table. Not a good solution, I know. I'm headed out tonight with a friend to see a singer whom I adore. The last time I saw her was with my husband and the last time I was in this venue was with my one serious relationship since. I'm not going to drink anything but club soda and I know it's going to be an emotional minefield. Sunday night will DEFINITELY be couch night!
  4. There are times I feel that no one in my little world gets it. No one understands me or what I'm going through. My husband was the last person who ever really got me and that makes this all the more hurty. Sometimes I wonder if it would feel less lonely to actually pick up and move to a place where no in fact does know me. At least then I'd really be alien not just feel alien. I probably expect too much from my friends and family. I mean if we didn't go around expecting too much how did we get the expression; "They're doing the best they can"? I know it's illogical to expect a good friend to guess that all this armchair psychology and cheap sentimentality surrounding the death of two local celebrities would be upsetting to me. (Co-opting grief for a Facebook status will always feel like an attack I think.) But I do think it's not too much to ask for those close to me to have some sense of my pain. Yesterday, two people behaved in ways that screamed; "I've no idea who you are!" and it hurt. Probably more than it would if I hadn't been so consumed with the death of a celebrity my husband had met and admired. The thing is though...death is not rare. People should really be more familiar with grief and loss. I get when stuff is rare people tend to be a bit clueless. But I didn't give birth to conjoined triplets. My spouse died. That happens a lot. It compounds my loneliness, this feeling of no one quite understanding.
  5. I love hearing stories of people waiting months to have sex in a relationship. I can't help but feel I'm doing something wrong however. Where do you find these men?! I've only had one experience where the man was equally interested in waiting. Perhaps it's my/their age? Men over 50 may have some sort of use it or lose it philosophy? I went on a first date last night. The man invited me to London for our second date. I explained that flying overseas to see The Rolling Stones wasn't entirely out of the question but sharing a room was. He was not happy. Maybe it's an urban thing? I meet men who honest to goodness discuss sex even BEFORE a first date. I'm an old fashioned girl. I have no interest in having an intimate experience with someone outside of a committed loving relationship. But I feel like I must be in the minority. Someone is giving these men the impression that women have sex on the first or second date.
  6. Keep venting, it's a lot to deal with (the hospital, the diagnosis...). She will be fine as will you. But getting out all the sad, the WHYs and the fear is good. Sending positive thoughts.
  7. It will never be the same for me again until I can totally trust a partner.
  8. I am so sorry and can so relate. Making decisions that used to be a conversation, and are now an internal monologue, is so hard and such a sad reminder of what I've lost. Since he died, 3-day weekends are something I dread. I usually approach them with the strategy more suited to a military maneuver. I make sure I have at least one social plan a day or night and am happy when it's multiple or all-day plans. Nothing makes me feel more alone than to see everyone else relishing their time together as a couple or family. This 3-day weekend was very different as I was emotionally exhausted and wanted nothing more than to be alone. I actually canceled a flight (and chalked up the lost $ as the cost of my happiness) and mostly spent the 3 days on my own. I saw my neighbors and the sailors (it's Fleet Week in NYC) and had one lovely and long date with a girlfriend. But mostly I was alone and for the first time in over 4 years, it felt fine. But I know that the only reason it felt fine is that I felt too emotionally battered to care. I once tried to explain to my (clueless) mother how hard this all is. I said to her; "Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to try and make a life from scratch. Every. Single. Day.?!!!" she does not. Nor do most people. I'm with you in spirit and sending you peaceful and comforting thoughts.
  9. I'm okay with those who lie about their age for search purposes and declare their real age in their bio. Where I live (NYC) men also lie about where they live (perhaps women do too, but how would I know?). I think this particular brand of lie is unique to metro areas. The man wants to appear urban when in fact he lives in the suburbs. What a bizarre thing to lie about. Like the age lie for search purposes, one needs to read the fine print of the bio (i.e., work in NY, live in CT) to discover..."Ah, this man lives a very different life than I do." I have dated men who live in the suburbs. I learned pretty quickly that lifestyle had to go lower down on the list. I never had a list before online dating. In my 20s it wasn't about a list. But now?!!! Well, let's just say there's a reason I'm single. - Funny - Smart - Educated - Kind - Jewish - Emotionally Present - Attractive (to me) - Open minded (politically and socially) Need I go on?! Now take that list and add to it the elusive and intangible "IT" factor. You know? That feeling that makes you feel equal parts "at home" and weak in the knees. Well, as I said; that's why I'm single.
  10. Oh my goodness @mizpah, thank you so much. I'm used to "putting up" with a lot. It's what comes from being raised by a narcissist I think. But I've reached my limit. It's disconcerting to not recognize oneself, but I've changed and there's no pretending otherwise.
  11. I thought I found someone. I thought so so much that I took a giant (for me) leap of faith and flew 2 1/2 hours to see him for our 3rd (4th, 5th and 6th) date. There was some fun and some magic but he wasn't entirely nice to me (not mean, just that it was all about him...always...constantly) and certainly wasn't nice after I got home. It shattered me and made me think I've been mistaken about whether I should be dating at all...https://wordpress.com/post/thewidowwhisperer.com/155
  12. Re: college students coming home for the summer. I can't help but think that this is a natural transition period. Presumably they will graduate and move on soon. They will create their own homes and will always have a place in yours. But it seems to me that this would be the time (single, married, dating or not) to make your home more about you and less about the young adults. Just a thought.
  13. I am so sorry. I feel I can relate to what you're experiencing. I'm not one to shout; Why Me?! or "It's Not Fair!" to the heavens, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's often tempting. I can't help but feel, deep down, that I'm owed some happiness after what I've been through. It's not easy to do what you've done: make yourself vulnerable to someone, but you did it. If you can, please take pride in that. What we can give is as important as what we get.
  14. It's been 4 1/2 years for me and it's only very recently that I refer to myself as a widow. It is a very loaded word and for me, conjured all kinds of images to which I simply couldn't relate. Nobody owns the word or how you choose to identify. You do what feels right to you at any given time. I am so sorry for your loss.
  15. I married at 32 after over a decade of living alone and a lifetime of self-care. When I was a kid my greatest dream was to live alone. Once the shock of losing my husband wore off I began to make our home my home and found peace in doing so. I've had some relationships; one that made it easy for me to picture making a life with someone new. I was surprised by that as I felt pretty certain that I didn't want to live with someone or remarry. Now single again I can't say what romantic living situation I desire as it's not an abstraction. Making a life with someone is dependent upon the someone! However, recently I vacationed with a girlfriend whom I've known since before I married. I had no idea what it would be like to share space with someone I rarely see in real life. It was magnificent! I slept like a baby and felt like "me" for the first time in years. We shared confidences, chores, meals and quiet. It was towards the end of the trip that I realized what I really desire is a roommate. I'm not sure that will ever become a reality for me but it was such a eureka moment to realize that it's not romance I crave but partnership.
  16. I'm just gonna throw this out there... Recently my dates want to know how my husband died. They keep asking even after my facial expression or words make quite clear it is not enjoyable for me to discuss. I meet people all the time (in a non-dating scenario) who are never so clueless and/or self-absorbed. I've been dating for at least three years now and this is a new thing. If my "red flag" "deal breaker" list gets any longer I'm going to have to find a jewish convent.
  17. I still dream of him and it is always, without exception, deeply troubling. In the morning I feel mildly ill and exhausted. I mean; “take to my bed” exhausted, if I were ever to take to my bed. I never did by the way... https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/04/26/i-dreamed-a-dream/
  18. I dream often but not pleasantly. I so wish it was otherwise.
  19. Four plus years later and I still get so angry when people go on and on about celebrity deaths. I don't wanna see the social media posts or hear how much that stranger meant to you. It's not just that it's painful for me it's that I don't want to know that my friends are really that clueless.
  20. I'm almost certain that unless you're in it you can't understand it. There's no way that the people in my life can truly grasp how exhausting survival is. I'm not sure what it would change if they could.
  21. I was a turtle without its shell after my husband died. The air outside stung my skin during those first few weeks. I felt so exposed, so porous and so frightened. The first time I left the house alone at night, I could barely breathe. It was one month after he had died and my lovely and loving friends had come across the country and were taking me to dinner on Christmas night. My doormen eased me into the cab as if I were made of glass. He told me to call him if I wanted him to come get me. The look on my face must have frightened him. I arrived at the Central Park South hotel a bit too early and took a seat in the lobby. There was a piano player and I thought; “maybe I can do this”. I heard the first notes of “Christmas Waltz” and started to tremble...https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/04/19/i-shouldnt-have-to/
  22. “You’re so strong” I lost count of how many times I’ve been told that. It’s happened so often that I’m almost inured now. In the beginning I wanted to demonstrate how strong I was with one swift kick. They meant well, and it is true, but it felt dismissive and to be perfectly frank I’d love the option of not being so strong... https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/04/11/i-yam-what-i-yam/
  23. I don't listen to them but have them and initially went to great lengths to save them. There is also a video of him (toasting me at my birthday party) that was taken 2 weeks before he died. I think I've watched it once. I put the photo albums away years ago but no longer cringe when I see the pics on iPhoto. I disabled the Facebook Memory function as I hated those little surprises. I think of him every single day, but hearing him...that voice which was the very first thing I noticed about him...I cannot do that. It's funny the things I do feel are "him" however. I don't let people use the dishes we got for our wedding (22 years ago!) I like wearing pieces of jewelry that were his favorites. He is with me always. I'll see something on TV and think; "oh he loved that actor". Someone will mention a place and I'll think; "oh he always told me to steer clear." We were together too long and too much for me to decipher where I end and he begins.
  24. If you remove the "widow" and "widower" component, this is a very common story. I'm not sure how his recent loss impacts his behavior, and I'm sorry for your loss. However, for reasons that make little sense to me, there are men who see the woman they should marry as different as the woman they should sleep with. I don't know if it's cultural or a product of age, but there ARE men who go through life like this. I will also add, that I have never found it remotely flattering or telling when a man wants to sleep with me. It's not about me, it's about them. What is flattering is when a man wants to know me, really know me, and want to spend time with me. I hope that helps.
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