TheWidowWhisperer

In my experience the comfort and security from being with a pleaser and a man with no boundaries are tempting. If you don't have a pressing need to "come first" but instead can admire his willingness to help, you'll be okay. If you are frustrated by what might seem like an immature need to please his mother, you might not be so okay. It really is up to you. My guess is that there are other behaviors that also indicate his need to be liked and some of them are advantageous. Some of them are not.

I am so sorry for your loss and so glad you are reaching out. Those first few months I became reliant on my closest friends. I learned how to ask for help, and also do the things I needed to do. When the chaos ebbed I slowly, very slowly, found small and silly things that made me feel better. I watched bad TV from my childhood, and reread favorite books. Leaving my house was hard but I did it. I tried to learn a new gentleness and self-care. It's been over four years and I'm still learning. I wish you peace.

One of the hardest things is the unpredictability of the sadness and the triggers. Sometimes it feels like having some sort of neurological disorder. The only thing I've found that works is to remove anything that taunts me (photos, FB memory alerts, favorite haunts) and to remember that the waves of despair will ebb. They always do. It's hard to remember at times, like last week when I baked him a birthday cake. But it always gets better. Sometimes in mere moments, sometimes in days, but eventually I do feel "normal" again.

I can't remember what comedienne said it but..."children wanting happy parents is a myth. they'd rather have them wailing and screaming but in the next room, than out and about and happy." Children are very (healthily) self-absorbed and unformed and in no position to call the shots on an adults' life. They needn't be an audience for your personal life and really don't need to know about your sex life but you should date without any sense of guilt. If that's what you want. They will be out of the house in a few years and perhaps even a bit embarrassed about their position right now. Losing a parent is horrible. But it is not the same as losing the rhythm of your life. Be happy.

Today is my husband’s birthday. It’s the fourth since he’s died and the first that I’m “celebrating”. I made a cake. The same cake I’ve made dozens of times and the one he made for me the week he died. It is fail-proof and ridiculously simple and yet it sits on my counter, sunken, misshapen and tilting precariously. I think where I screwed up was in my self-consciousness. I was acutely aware that I was making a cake for my dead husband and wondering how crazy that really was. I thought all this while crying and stirring. The crying didn’t prevent me from eating the disaster, mind you...https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/03/21/happy-birthday-to-you/

I feel very much the same way and attribute some of that to my age. When I married in my very early 30s money was not an issue. Now, in my early 50s, through careful planning and hard work, I am able to support myself. I feel those are my resources and my security. It's hard to imagine ever marrying (it's all just too complicated) but if I was ever to live with someone we'd have to have some serious financial conversations.

My understanding is that regardless of your age or circumstance you are owed a one time (nominal) amount from S.S. I believe you do need to go to the office to claim it. If you do not have dependents the ability to receive your spouse's benefits is dependent upon your age. Of course your own benefits might be higher than your spouse's. If you call Social Security (and prepare to wait on hold) you can determine the amounts of money and at what age you should collect.

@Leadfeather I've had dates recount similar stories and assumed they were lying! Well, I guess this is my new thing I'll learn today. I suppose, more power to these women, but I'll never really "get" it. Putting aside any safety issues, it's just not how I'm wired. I DO remember my internist giving me some sort of "protection" lecture early on. He went on to explain that recently divorced women (which he conceded I am not) often engage in sexual behavior that increases their risks of disease. He pointed out that some women coming out of a bad marriage feel they need to affirm their attractiveness or make up for lost time or something. I suppose I understand that...maybe...I don't know. I mean I'm not sure a man wanting to have sex with you should be taken all that personally. Does that sound terrible? Probably. I just mean that by and large, men and women are different in this regard. Maybe men have a healthier perspective about it all. I don't know. I just know that the idea of being physically intimate with a stranger holds no appeal for me.

Last night's date reminded me of this post! It was a second date (if you count a 2-hour coffee date as a first date!) and he invited me back to his. Ordinarily I would ROFL but a) I made my intentions crystal clear (as in - NO WAY WILL I DO ANYTHING WITH YOU) and b) he has a prominent professional profile and I gambled he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it. Also, I trust him. Oh and I should probably add that I am always curious to see how people live. So we walked 2 blocks to his, I met his cat, had the tour and settled in. He poured a cordial and turned on the movie we came for. He was handsy and progressed to rubbing my shoulders. I kept pulling my shirt back down. The thing is, I didn't feel imperiled, and I loved the idea of watching the movie and talking and getting to know each other. But it felt rather high school (which I articulated) to be fighting off advances. YES, I was in his home, but so what? I enjoy sex, but with someone I KNOW!!! (hence me thinking of this post). He put on his shoes and jacket and walked me to a cab (when I asked) but I could tell he felt rebuffed. This leads me to wonder; do WOMEN ever try and have (or expect) sex with someone they don't know?! I don't think I wouldn't go out with him again based on this, but it does give me pause.

There's a LOT I don't know about dating. That said, I've never heard of dating someone you've never met. Is this a common phenomenon? How does it work?

It makes my heart soar to read all of these responses. Do whatever you and your new spouse want. It's nothing short of a miracle that you found someone you want to marry, don't let anything get between you and what you want. Mazel Tov

Yesterday I was thinking about my expectations in dating and/or new relationships and how they are so inextricably linked to what was a happy marriage. How I define partnership and how I understand men is all based on a fully functional and healthy 18-year relationship. This is not necessarily helpful in finding happiness now.

My husband was older than I, but when I reached the age he was when we married it took my breath away. There is an unspoken burden to being a survivor.

Upon hearing of my husband’s death my appetite was the first thing to go. Their words were still hanging in the air and my inner monologue was; “don’t throw up, don’t throw up.” I did not throw up. However, I also couldn’t eat, not even my favorite foods. I tried and had to spit it out like a truculent toddler. It took weeks until I could eat...https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/03/15/appetite-suppressant/

I've been dating for over 3 1/2 years and have many (gay and straight) male friends and am STILL gobsmacked when dates are sophomoric in trying to have meaningless sex. I can not believe such antiquated gender roles still exist, but they seem to be alive and well. I have had (several) first dates tell me of prior first dates that resulted in sex. Really? A grown ass woman met you online and got into bed with you on the first date? I've had men tell me on a first date how important sex is to them, trying to suss out my interest. My theory is that their marriages became sexless or sex became an issue. They seem to see sexual activity as an independent experience and not based on how a relationship is going: "My wife lost interest in sex." I have NEVER heard: "My wife understandably wasn't drawn to me as she was unhappy with me and our marriage." So yes, I concur, men use sex talk as a ploy. I'm your age (I think) and see no need to discuss sex (unless someone has a health issue) until one is considering the act.

@keeptrying Thank you for sharing. I'm not sure if your experience is a rarity or if people simply don't tend to share it. Not everyone who ends their life is depressed. Some people make a rational decision to do so, and often make the decision in secret. One of the hurdles one must jump to engage a doctor in assisted suicide is PROOF that one is not depressed. We can never really know someone and that is scary as all get out. We share our lives, our home, the air, with someone and yet can never really know who they are. I wish you peace and send you comfort.

Matthew - I hope the trip is going or went well. I have found that "taking off" no matter how uncomfortable or lonely always makes me feel better about what I left behind at home. I think it's a combination of distance and the feeling of having control over my own life. Feeling at the mercy of someone else's feelings or behavior is so new for me. (I'm talking about dating here, not other aspects of life.) Each break-up or disappointment makes me thoroughly process the relationship that proceeded it. Seriously. I seem to be emotionally behind by one man all the time! That said, it does seem to be a healthy and growth opportunity experience. I learn things each and every time I'm forced to "start again." I don't want to marry. I'm not sure I even want to live with someone. But I'd really like to have a partner. The thing is...unlike having had a marriage that ended in divorce, I have mostly thoroughly positive feelings about my marriage. I don't need to try an replicate that. But oh, to have someone who I enjoy, respect and love. To find a relationship that brings out the very best in me and allows me to be vulnerable and strong...Sigh

How wonderful!!

@tybec you reminded me of something I have difficulty with in new relationships. I love children (not all of them, but most), I even have professional experience with them. However, I do not have any by choice. Before anyone gets Cruella Deville thoughts, I spend time with a neighbor 2-year-old every single day. That said, dating someone who prefers the company of his child to time with adults is something I can't handle. Being a good parent is very attractive, being a lousy adult is not. It doesn't seem to matter how old the child is. I have come across the same quality in grandfathers as I have fathers of school-age children. Perhaps it's the guilt of the divorce. I suspect it's something else. I think they use their children as a source of low-risk emotional connectivity. I am not a princess (sigh) and I have many close friends and important relationships outside of that of a primary partner. But if I'm committed, my partner comes first. (and yes, I think a child's NEEDS must come first, but the RELATIONSHIP between parent and child does not.) As much as I would love to be part of a large and close family (by virtue of partnering) I'm not sure it's really in my future.

You Are Allowed To Be Whomever You Want To Be That said, I suspect your mother, or others, are very literal people. And of course, technically the only way to be a widow is to have been wed. If you and your partner had lived together for 25 years, I'm guessing your mother would still take issue with the term "widow." As someone who was married for 17 years (and with my partner for 18) I take no offense at whatever you wish to call yourself. It's not a competition.

I have, not to the extent you're suggesting however. I'm simply not that brave. While I love my own company, and being an observer of people, my relationships feed my soul. Being away from "my people" for more than two weeks feels punitive. I've taken several extended beach holidays and have traveled the Irish countryside and the streets of London on my own. It was informative and restorative. I'm now interested in traveling with friends as I'd like to share the experiences. I still do the beach solo as that feels more like a spa holiday. I think when it comes right down to it, it's very much dependent upon your social needs. Traveling with a group may fulfill your need. Technology has made connectivity ridiculously easy but I'm not sure it can address my sense of homesickness. No matter what you decide it will be right for you at this moment. No one knows you better.

i'm so sorry. There are many shows, movies and plays that evoke those feelings in me. I somewhat enjoyed This Is Us before this episode. I like how clever it is when they flash forward and back. But their depiction of human beings feels like fiction to me. I could not relate at all as to how the character responded to her husband dying. I also couldn't understand how the Super Bowl resonated so much with the kids when none of them were home that day to watch with their dad. My TV criticism aside, triggers are so unpredictable, so I was a bit surprised that I was dry-eyed during this episode. You just never know what's going to resonate or what will excavate grief. I got sidelined a few weeks ago and wrote something about it if you're interested...https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/02/08/trigger-alert/ I wish you peace and comfort

@BrokenHeart2 thank you for your words and candor. I've discovered there is no timeline and absolutely nothing to gain from rushing or pushing yourself. Listen to your heart and your gut. I don't think I was really ready when I started to date but I felt I needed to get back on the horse before I became too frightened. P.S. It's been 6 weeks and the embargo is holding strong!

I went online in search of a date 9 months after being widowed. I did it not out of any interest in dating but as a preemptive strike. I foresaw that after a full year of widowhood some well-meaning person was going to cock his or her head and ask; “Have you thought about dating?” Like a good boy scout, I was going to be prepared. I never felt guilty about dating, (I suppose knowing what he wanted for me helped with that), I did feel angry however.... https://thewidowwhisperer.com/2018/02/23/dating-game/

I've never heard from my husband's son after he died. He did not come to the service but organized his own religious service (in direct opposition to his father's wishes and religion.) His daughter begrudgingly came to the service I created and was given a grand tour of our neighborhood and favorite spots by my husband's best friend. Neither child had ever visited or reached out in any way while he was alive. They were the recipients of cash gifts and visits but never made any efforts whatsoever. I held onto the ashes for a year in case they wanted them (personally, I have no attachment to the remains of anyone.) I held onto yearbooks and family photo albums, but 4 years later I still have not heard a thing. There really is no reason they should've behaved differently in death than they did in life. It would've broken his heart to know this so in that sense I'm glad he's not here.